MMMMMMMMMM FLESH or CORPSEFACE OF THE WEEK

This simple image brings me no end of joy whilst trapped in the ol' dayprison.

HE'S WATCHING YOUR BREAD.

A POINTLESS POST ABOUT WEATHER

The weeks of gathering up neighborhood cats, catching raccoons, trapping a curious hobo and then slowly sacrificing them (or parts of them) during late Winter night rituals to a Mythos deity which dwells underneath my garden in our backyard has paid off pretty well. The DC standard Summer weather configuration of 100% swamp-ass has been successfully diverted. Nights that aren't hideous sweat endurance contests! Nice days to ride to work and back! Air that doesn't hurt to breathe! No need to slap deodorant on my balls!

But, for how long will this last? I'm not sure. That hobo chained in the garage is running low on limbs and those things (limbs) are gold in terms of offerings to an alien being trapped just outside our dimension who is only really able to alter local weather patterns and gift followers with bountiful crops of particular green leaved vegetation. I think I can keep the rituals up for another week or so. After that I think we're just gonna have to deal with the horrors of August.

REASON #753 THAT GAMERS SHOULD COLLECTIVELY BURN CHESSEX TO THE GROUND

The reasons are numerous, but one that really brings it home is simple. Plague and Pestilence. A fun little card game. These fucks have been sitting, SITTING on the license and rights to a complete, finished, no need for tweaking, dead simple but extremely popular card game, for close to 2 years now.
As you can see on their abso-wonderous fail site (reason #49), the game is "on hold". Along with another game they claim to sell, but currently have never released nor do they have a release date for it. Yeah, wrap your head around that sentence. Such is their sound business logic. You can also see on the page some other items that you may want but can't have because they will be out of stock until the end of time.


All they have to do is print the fucker. It's a done deal. It's like printing your own damn money. Plague and Pestilence is a perfect little game. It needs no new art, no new rules, no new nothing. It just needs to exist! Print the cards, put them in a box and, slap some of your fucking precious skull dice in there and ship it to the hungry nerds that are paying up to 120 bucks for a copy currently. Assholes! There a few sites on the internet that are pre-ordering the game, but have no idea (December maybe?) when it'll arrive. Gotta love pre-orders for stuff that may not exist.


Now, back to their website. Please, do go and enjoy the largest dice manufacturer's shit filled website! See how many different copyrights you can find! Oldest copyright wins a prize! The prize of course being whatever you want to take as yours since the copyright barely made this millennium! Check ou tthat jaggy logo! Marvel at the use of white space on the Dice home page! Wonder if you're going blind due to the crummy blurred pictures! Enjoy the sense of confusion you feel as you click on the Blank Dice link found here and are dumped onto a page with a giant list! See if you can find the cleverly hidden "click here to order" links scattered throughout the site!

It' simply amazing that these tards are allowed to continue to run a business. I'd be fucking embarassed to the extreme if this was my company's website and general ethos. So, gamer nerds, burn Chessex to the ground. Or at the very least, whoever hosts this abomination of a webpage, please delete it. I'll trade you my copy of Plague and Pestilence if you do.

4TH GRADE FUNNY FOREVER

Oh, man, bag toss is funny enough, but cornhole is way better. I remember seeing this game being actively played and advertised on a college campus when I went out to visit the E-dogg a few years back in Ohiiiiiiiiiiiiahhhhh. Go laugh at the site and it's giant images of bag tossing and cornholing.

YTMND NIGGA STOLE MY BIKE

You either love or hate these things. I obviously love them to death and wish I could devote my life to making them and get paid. There are so many ytmnd "Fads" out there and one of them is the famous Lil' Mac training sequence from the NES Punch Out. Makes me giggle every time. The music from the bit is burned into my brain from playing the hell out of the game and now I can never hear it the same way again. Here's a slew of some of the better ones I dug up. Note, these all have sound and stuff:

One of the originals

Goonies

Benny Hill

Captain Planet

Kiddie Version

Here are a pair that actually took time and skill to put together as well as twist the joke in a clever direction.

Maniac Mansion

DOS

Finally, here's what we all were thinking, even at age 9, about just what Doc was up to between the rounds with an exhausted Lil' Mac...

Strokin'

DC METRO TRAIN PAIN

Just a quick bit to say thanks to all the folks that attempted to phone my potential corpse last night.

Italian class pretty much took out any chance of us being on or near the metro wreck. So, hooray for foreign languages. Now we just hafta figure out a reliable way to get to work and stuff since it's all kablammo in the area at the moment. Current solution is me=Vespa, Jess=stay at home.

SO IRAN IS COOL NOW? (MONDAY SUPER RANT)

Because last I checked, the entirety of the Republican base and the majority of the country was shoving hot pokers up Obama's ass, even before he got elected, for saying that he'd be up for having talks with Iran. Ya know, diplomacy. Why? Because it's a nation of terror and Jew hating awesomeness - all of them! But, now that freedom has magically sprung up overnight and some innocent lady dies on tape for the world to see, Iran is cool and Republican jerks are super best friends with Iran and Obama is an asshole.

Apparently the entire country of Iran isn't in fact filled with terrorists, genetically enhanced muslim death squads, Menorah bustin' goons, or American hating fucknuggets that want to rape our children in the night with gigantic eggplants - as previously put forth for years by the fearmonger machine of the right wing. Sure they've their share of dangerous nutjobs. But have you looked around the US as of late? Nutjobs are everywhere.

Basically it turns out Iranians are just fucking people. Wow. They have people in the middle-East? I thought they were all pretty much muslim terrorist robots or simply part of a rampant mummy problem. And these people have been there for years? Really? They haven't just popped up just over this past week? Oh, my head is spinning with the revelations! Zoinks!

So, now the Republican base is up in arms and demanding that we have to go help them and support freedom! Send lawyers, guns and money! America-world-police are go!

The fuck? Really?

Let's go back to the glorious year 2000. Our very own nation (yes, the infallible USA) had a rather fucked and suspect election. One that was decided by the courts. Go Democracy. What if France was like "Hey, you guys should stop counting votes and hanging chads and grow up." or Germany was like "Hey, why do you even bother with elections?". The shitstorm would have been epic. Someone else would DARE tell the USA how to conduct its business and get away with it? Oh, shit no.

Same applies here you douche bags. Let it play out. It's not like there isn't enough broke ass shit in our own country to fix and thousands of people don't have jobs or healthcare. And calling another country's election system a farce is fucking hilarious to the extreme. We still use an electoral college which was designed mainly because FUCKING ROADS HAD NOT BEEN INVENTED.

Douche bag super quote of the week, from some wheezebag named Bill Bennett on CNN:

“We are last best hope on Earth,” “He is the President of the United States. If he will not side with these young people against a religious autocracy that is beating the hell out of people, what is the point of being the moral leader of the free world?”

Oh man, so much comedy in there. Pure gold.

Sorry. Rant over. Regularly scheduled posts of mindless content to follow.

DC PERTINENT FUN RAPPY TIMEZ

Brown sandals y'all.

FURTHER FLORIDA DONG PROOF

If you travel to Florida's Capital, you'll find the lovely Capitol Building. It is shown here. How fitting that the most dongtastic state in the US is governed from an equally dong-like building which at one point was run by a complete and total dong.


This was brought o my attention via The Bugle, a wonderfully Britishy podcast you can find here or in iTunes. It features John Oliver in the US and Andy Zaltzman in the UK. I dunno, John Oliver can do no wrong in my eyes. He's got a crazy impish quality about him and is always Daily Show gold. His co-talker dude can spew the most amazing paragraphs of well thought out BS, which often seem for a mere moment like it may actually be true, but certainly isn't - that it hurts the brain. In conclusion, fuck Florida.

NO, TRANSFORMER COSPLAY IS NEVER NOT FUNNY

Deal with the double negative folks because the 4 images here multiply the double and transform (hahah ahha haa oh my god) it into a octuplet sized negative. A black hole of comedy if you will.

This stuff always brings the mirth to my brain. Well loved cardboard is fashioned by hopeless cases into some semblance (in their creator's eyes) of their most beloved toy robot cartoon character. Then they parade about in cardboard fail boxes and demand photos be taken at Cons in vain hopes that some hot chick is underneath that Arcee costume (it's a dude, dude). It's simply that "step too far".

Anyway, please continue to do what you do best Transformer Cosplay tards, because it is a wonderful service to humanity in that:

1: You provide thousands with amusement.
2: You promise an end to your particular genepool.

Yes, I'm judging these people because they dress up like stupid fucking toys.