REASON #349 COLBERT IS A FUNNY DUDE

He does Kurosawa based jokes.
And treats Twitter as a joke as well.

DID YOU KNOW? / WUSSTEN SIE SCHON?

Achtung bathenzihaus! ( I made that word shit up, see, German is easy!) This neato ad comes from my super blonde German contact buried deep in ze Fatherland. Yeah, I guess it's a big issue being seperated from your pets during sexy German bathtimez. So, when you bathe and absolutely have to keep an eye on your massive chinchillas Dieterzon and Wundernice, German efficiency is there for ya. Bathe with a clear conscious knowing that Dieterzon and Wundernice are watching your every nude move as you laze about in your bathtub for giants.

This is what happens when you lose a war folks. We'd best get used to the idea of furry critters watching us floss, take baths, hot showers and drop dueces.

GETTING BACK INTO IT. LET'S BEGIN WITH: THE CHILD CARE DEN. A SAFE PLACE FOR KIDS.

So, this place caught my eye because of the goofy font whilst I was rolling phat down Georgia Ave one day on my Scootypuff Junior. Then the font became words in my brain and here we are.

Question #1: OK, so you decided to call your daycare a "Den". Good job. Most things that live or frequent dens - in my mind - tend to be Dragons, Hippogriffs, and Jersey Devils. Here's some fun definitions for "Den".

1. The shelter or retreat of a wild animal; a lair.

2. A cave or hollow used as a refuge or hiding place.

3. A hidden or squalid dwelling place: a den of thieves.

4. A secluded room for study or relaxation.

5. A unit of about eight to ten Cub Scouts.

Question #2: Quickie Becky? For reals? I guess question #2 answers question #1, but lays bare the reality that someone approved Quickie Becky's Child Care Den.

I'm spent.

I GUESS DOING A RAINDANCE BACKWARDS DOESN'T REVERSE THE SPELL

Sorta like driving a car backwards doesn't erase mileage. I shold have listened to "Ferris Bueler's Day Off", but was blinded by the logic presented in "The Gate".

It's almost funny in a cosmic sorta way.

ME: "Dear Fall, don't shit on this one day please."
FALL: "So you'll like what then?"
ME: "I dunno, maybe 10 hours of semi-decent weather. Don't go crazy."
FALL: "Right, a lovely week preceeding the day in question, then close to exactly 12 hours of rain during the prime daylight hours, high temperatures, and near 100% humidity. Got it."

ME: "Uh, cool, thanks."

We're so in a fight right now.

I CAN BREATHE ONCE MORE

The nerd backlash was mighty.

An update to the update to fix that which was not broken in the 1st place, has healed all.

Green button does what it's supposed to do.

GoGo, them links to that JC site have ruined my sleep cycle.

BECAUSE MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, NEW IS STUPID

I generally avoid updating crap on my machine. Unless some groundbreaking shit is offered like Manatee Baseball practice or I HAVE to do an update so that my ipod, lawnmower, breakfast cereal etc. works, then fine. I will. I accidentally updated my fucking itunes to version 9 and now I'm in a morning rage. It really doesn't take much to set me off in the computer realm. Little mutations to my daily workflow make me nuts. And my inability to avoid tiny niggling, unnecessary changes only serves to work me into a minor froth.

What's new and awesome then?

First off, and this sounds stupid, but, my podcast main screen background has magically changed from a nice non-intrusive deep black/grey to a glaring white fucking background. My eyes are already screaming and my brain is working furiously to shut off the tiny ragey-annoyance klaxons firing back and forth in the grey matter. Off to a great start.

I'm sorry I didn't listen to the last 2 second's of the episode Tom.
I love you but iTunes is tearing us apart.

Next up, it appears there are fucktons of new podcasts that I somehow missed. What was yesterday displaying "1" new podcast now shows "13". Cool, I guess I missed out on something, John Oliver and Co tricked me with their whole "I'm on vacation, fuck off" schtick. Oh, wait, there's just an annoying new "half" watched open circle icon for all my podcasts and they factor into the total number of unwatched items. Great. So, if you don't listen to every goddamn second, it stays marked as half-watched. And since I rarely listen to the lame ass music or shitty sound effects ALL podcasts jam into the last 10 seconds, my shit is half-watched central. Yes, I know I can right click their status to "watched", but the point is, IT WORKED FINE BEFORE. Maybe I'm missing a preference or something here.

Next, the killer. The mindbreaker. The one thing that will simply fuck with my head until they switch it the fuck back. Since day one, or near enough to day one that you'd be splitting hairs - when you clicked on the lil' green damn button in itunes, the motherfucking itunes window would transform into the handy dandy tiny mini player. Click on the green guy, away it goes. Click again, big screen returns. Yay!

But no, that shit was too useful and utilitarian.

Now, this ingrained muscle reaction instinct brain function #1 is dead. I've been using this stupid program since it's inception and now it's trying to kill me through a minor change that is totally unnecessary. Click on the green dot now and the itunes window sorta dances a few pixels, but stays in the main itunes window function. No miniplayer transformation. See the fun below:

BEFORE: Full window. I click on ol' greenie like I've been for years and...

AFTER: Yay! It moves 30 pixels! Much better than no miniplayer!

WHAT I WANT: Functionality

Oh yes, there's a new hotkey function, and if you hold Option down when you click on the green button, the miniplayer does it's thing - I know this now. But why the change? What has been made better by this fucking pointless change? Nothing. If all the carmakers decided, "Fuck it, lets place the key ignition on the left side from now on, and all door locks will be located under the seats, just because." there'd me mass social upheaval due to this useless and non-functional change.

It's a minor change, but my brain is rebelling at it in every way. Because it's so pointless. So, don't download itunes 9 until it gets undone or you're ready to deal with this garbage. I know I sound like an 8 year old throwing a fit over a free gift that sucks, but damn, I can't help it. Lifeline was a terrible GI Joe to get for xmas.

Turn that shit back Apple.

CROSSBOW TO FACE, FOR THE NEW CENTURY

Fast Police Action. Or is that Polic, e , action? It's a new century, so that means a new design. Tactical crossbow with scope. Awwwww yeah. Price: 1$.

FLOATING TROUSERS, FLOATING YETI

I've been haunting military surplus stores online for a few days now in search of various items. Whilst I've found some amazing, often frightening things - this image from a UK surplus shop (thus the use of "trousers") is the winner. It beat out the Yeti costume, mosquito man, head in a bag, and Yeti boat accessory. Just what the hell is going on with those trousers?

BUT...CAN WE EAT IN RUSSIA? I CAN SEE IT FROM MY HOUSE, IT'S JUST DOWN THE STREET.

So, the above eBay auction is legit. It's for charity, so that's nice. Pay 25K to start the bidding and maybe, just maybe, you'll win a dinner with a retarded person. No, I speak not of her poor child. I mean retarded in the sense that this person does not actually have extra chromosomes, but chooses to instead act as such. And as bonus, you'll dine with a SNOWMOBILE CHAMPION too! And possibly an honest to goodness retard if you're lucky. Current bid - zero.

Fun details: You need to pre-approved to even bid on the shitty auction. So, there goes the chance of seeing some loose cannon with 25k burning a hole in their pocket spit in her face during dinner. I envisioned the goons from Jackass having an intimate evening with the lady. Maybe riding a flaming, shit covered BMX naked into the restaurant and bunyhop on her face. Oh, well. You also need to pass a background check. Make sense in these dangerous times. Palin gets to choose 3 additional mystery guests. These are TBD, but I can only assume Piper will be there.

Dinner will be no longer than 4 hours, but it could end in minutes! It's all up to the S-dogg. The final bit is the best, you can just read it yourself below. And if you're wondering what the *asterisk in the last paragraph is for, you can keep wondering. Nowhere in the auction is it explained in any way. I've included my version of what it probably means below. You can add you own if you want. It's fun to pretend.

*Easily the most rockheaded, harmful, distracting, lying, bag of monkeyshit in US history since perhaps James Earl Ray.

As is the wonderous way of the interwebz, there are a few fakie auctions in protest and in jest of Palin takin' it to eBay. This one is all about bidding for an evening of ping pong with some dudes who'll wear Palin and Rove paper masks during the entire game and following dinner. Nice.

And hey, it looks like Magog has decided to take a break from the ever zombifiying DC Universe to lend his help with a Sarah Palin dinner. Magog's a good guy. Once you get a few A-bombs in 'im.

And the winner of them all would be this dude. His outfit is for the win, and has currently raised the most cash. So hats off, triangle or otherwise, to you sir!

THE GAUNLET'S BEEN THROWN BITCHES.

Dare ye even attempt a radder well wishing wedding card? Outside of a Kettenkrad ramping through rings of fire, I think y'all are screwed. But, do try. You've got a month to dig some shit up. Winner receives 6,783 Placemat points redeemable towards a holster of fries.