Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Turns out the dolla dolla dolla sto' is a swell place to score some potentially birth defect ridden mouse traps. Got some centipede's fuckin' with your cereal in the mornin' - DOLLAR STORE. Cave crickets creeping the hell out of you while your on the shitter - DOLLAR STORE. Boa constrictors keep getting in your lunchbox - DOLLAR STORE. But it seems all the guarantees and peanut scent and super power promises aren't enough to grab the consumer's attention. No, we need cartoons of distressed critters for that shit.

This poor lil' fella got stuck in a trappy trap
and now he's gwonna starve to deff, awwwwwwww.
Super effective. Not child safe though, so no deal.

This grey mouse with thumbs is doing his best
Woody Allen impersonation while he slowly dies.
Child safe, but I really want it to be super effective.
Maybe that's why it comes with 4 of them, becasue they suck.

Blue Touch wins hands down. It may cost me an extra .79 cents, but this shit stops boa constrictors in their slithery tracks. Seems to me the snake would only be minorly inconvenienced while it drags around a stupid dollar store sticky trap. Scorpions and the other assorted illustrations the graphic designer plumbed from google images are doomed as well. Purchased! All home pest must die!

Friday, August 21, 2009


A minor celebration of the raditude that is the Owlbear in miniature, art, and gaming.

OK, so the Owlbear is the just about the best D&D monster ever. Or at the very least you'll have to concede it's in the top 10. Made by a mad wizard for reasons unknown (like most of the old D&D critters) the initial experiment got loose, managed to breed, and now they spend their time ravaging farms and adventurers because cows and Dwarves are tasty. Here's a "real life" interpretation of the fearsome beast.

But, let's go back to where it all started. Here's the sweet 1st Ed D&D entry in the Monster Manual. Pretty hot stuff. Though often ridiculed because the concept is so absurd, folks stopped laughing when one of these guys chewed up your party's cleric, then shit his bones out in nice pellet form. Owlbears pretty much hate everything and attack everything with little to no provocation. They are a hateful beast. Except...wait...if you look, its special attack is to hug. Hug you to death! There's other olde timey Owlbear art of one fucking up a party of adventurers/getting zotted by a wizard but I couldn't dredge it up.

Instead I dug this one up from the ancient Rogue's Gallery supplement for D&D. It features a border line suicidal, stupid dude sporting mighty cloth armor, protected by a 2 cp wooden shield, and a stinkin' sword that isn't on fire or anything awesome. He is about to die a couple of times, easy. Unless those faggy boots teleport his ass miles away as an at will power once per day. But he probably already used that power to visit his gay half-orc bard lover earlier that day.

In the miniatures realm, the Owlbear has been represented many, many different ways, but never one as close to the original artwork as this one from Otherworld Miniatures. If your a fan of old D&D art, then this miniatures company is the one for you. They have piles of cool stuff based directly off the old art. The gnarled old Troll, Barbed Devils, Yellow Mold, Stirges, Violet Fungi, etc. Cool stuff. I plan to nab one when they release in a few weeks. If only they'd do a Juiblex or Rust Monster.

Here's an old Grenadier Owlbear. He's more adorable than anything. Though a deadly sort of adorable because it's probably pure lead. I don't have him, but I do want him. He's just sort of standing there, like he's waiting in line at the post office to mail a box full of Duergar heads to his friends back East.

Continuing the ancient, lead filled, deadly miniature thread, we come to the Ral Partha Owlbear. Probably the worst of them all. Ol' Owly is gettin' his Tai Chi on here. That or he's doing some sorta 60's dance craze. Either way, ass. I'd buy these all up just to bury them next to all those ET Atari carts in the desert so no one will remember it ever existed.

When D&D 3.0 hit, the Owlbear went through a transformation of mightiness. No longer could foks make fun of the Owlbear as a total goofball critter thta looks like it's sporting a wicket mullet. No sir, now he was looking righteous and full of furry. So, how did this translate to miniature?

Poorly. Up above you can see the mighty dumb Reaper version of the Owlbear. He's more owly than bear. And he's very shocked to see you. And he's yelling. Owlbears always yell, they can't help it. I imagine that they sleep screaming.

This is the alternate Reaper sculpt. More of the same goofiness. Wide open crotch area, budget biker tassels on the arms, and what looks to be a large, furry Phillip Drummond sweater vest. Yeah, I just name checked Phillip Drummond.

Whoa boy, look out for ass. Here's the Chainmail Owlbear from Wizards of the Coast's super fail of a miniatures game. I remember this game coming out and being minorly stoked. Then I saw the Owlbear. Why is this so hard? Just make a fierce looking Owlbear you bastards! Moving along.

Fast forward a bunch of years and D&D puts out a line of mostly terrible pre-painted plastic miniatures. The 1st set had an Owlbear up in it. He is dope. I still have him on a bookshelf somewheres.

Here's the later updated Owlbear that goes by the name "Furious Owlbear". Oh, he's a furious one. Less than stoked about this guy. He kinda totally sucks and is pouchy slouchy.

Not sucky enough in standard colors, Wizards went and released a Con only variant of the furious suckbear miniature in white. These were worth a few bucks and probably still are. I recall a fellow nerd at a D&D session during last year's Gencon getting excited and offering the DM 20 bucks (edit: it was only 10 bucks) at the table for one of these. I was excited too, until I saw that it was just the same shitty sculpt dipped in white. The DM caved and passed the suck on.

The final and most recent version would be this guy, the Owlbear Rager. He's ready to hit the rave scene in a big way. Actually, that would make for a great film. I'd watch 90 minutes of an Owlbear let loose in some crappy dance club, tearing kids in baggy pants assunder. Non-stop fun. But, I'd be worried about the Owlbear ingesting all those lightsticks and led blinky things. Probably how the movie should end - with a bloated, glowing/blinking Owlbear stumbling out of the club into the morning light, then keeling over into a pile of Red Bull cans.

The future? there is no future for the Owlbear. He's run his race. The only real glimmer of hope would be that they release on for the D&D Heroscape that just came out. Only time will tell. In the meantime, remember, if you run across a few adorable Owlbear cubs while camping, kill their ass. I don't care how much gp their worth to train up as exotic guards for you estate.

Monday, August 17, 2009


Writing is hard. So, pictures, do your magic. Here's a small pile of images taken over the nerd week along with some text that no one will care about, but I feel compelled to post.

The legendary drinky guy attempted to re-create the previous year's feat of taking a full glass of booze with him out the bar door in his pocket, this time with just as awesome results. Awesomer though, when you consider the strategic placement of the fluids this time around. Earlier drinky guy threw and entire glass tumbler into a trash can (thus shattering it) instead of placing it back on the bar counter. Unfortunately he didn't utter his catch phrase "This sucks." while doing so. He instead saved the catch phrase for each of his delicious Wendy's salads.

The ever curious robot boy met up with Dany Divito in an unlikely encounter at the Italian restaurant. We didn't have the heart to tell him that it was a cardboard cut out. It was cute.

In his continuing search for human feelings and bolstered by his encounter with cardboard Divito, robot boy later tested out some Japanese boyband dude nipples. Again, he used his "pose with inanimate objects" stance and expression.

After a tough day, The Devil read up on the local boot fetish scene in Indianapolis and hunted the personal ads for a viable kidney donor/victim. Meanwhile Grandpa Munster took a brief nap on the giant ottoman in the lobby and displayed his junkmound in a attempt to ward off potential conversation with strangers and disciplinary action from cagey hotel managers.

Lastly, gaze upon the mighty barefooted amazitude that was our shit DM's bare fucking feet. Not only did the dude use fridge magnets to represent the monsters in the encounter, make up rules left and right, constantly ask if 27 hits out Will Defense (yes), curse at our character choices, belittle out character's stats, and run the adventure in the best non descript way possible (a guy jumps out of the water and attacks!) - he also ran the whole thing without fucking shoes on.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


More fun from the dollar store trip. This round has bunches of that busted English we all know and love. I'm sure my Chinese would be flawless and all, but these phrases are still pretty choice.

Love whip 5000 for bathroom use only.

My bad, it's totally a Chengenming Appliance conduit dredge Implement factory.

There's an odd bunny in a red leotard that wants to ring your bell.

"Exquisite flowing line typed facial box."

So full of win, I nearly bought it. If only it really came with a CUT SWORD.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


I went on a dollar store adventure last week and found many gems. These oceans of trash are a lovely snap shot of America's insatiable lust for stuff. I'll start with this crappy coloring book I dug up. I recall seeing this sucker years back when someone bought a copy for the office. Glad to see it's still circling the bowl with all the other junk I had to wade through to find it. Expect more fun Dollar Store Adventures in the future! But for now, enjoy Cap n friends' journeys through mystery.
The Wrecker takes on his deadliest enemy yet - a nondescript snake.
Thor prepares to recreate the infamous Evil Dead tree rape scene.

Cap is feeling a little "unfresh" today and doesn't feel up to trouncing this clown.
To cheer himself up, he gets Hank Pym to make him huge so he can piss on the UN building.

"Sir, I don't have time for this shit. Get up, you pussy."
"Thumbs up. I have plenty of time for this shit."

After a tough day of super heroing, Cap enjoys a dance session and some burning incense.
But like most days, it eventually all ends in a powerful shame spiral.