BUT...CAN WE EAT IN RUSSIA? I CAN SEE IT FROM MY HOUSE, IT'S JUST DOWN THE STREET.

So, the above eBay auction is legit. It's for charity, so that's nice. Pay 25K to start the bidding and maybe, just maybe, you'll win a dinner with a retarded person. No, I speak not of her poor child. I mean retarded in the sense that this person does not actually have extra chromosomes, but chooses to instead act as such. And as bonus, you'll dine with a SNOWMOBILE CHAMPION too! And possibly an honest to goodness retard if you're lucky. Current bid - zero.

Fun details: You need to pre-approved to even bid on the shitty auction. So, there goes the chance of seeing some loose cannon with 25k burning a hole in their pocket spit in her face during dinner. I envisioned the goons from Jackass having an intimate evening with the lady. Maybe riding a flaming, shit covered BMX naked into the restaurant and bunyhop on her face. Oh, well. You also need to pass a background check. Make sense in these dangerous times. Palin gets to choose 3 additional mystery guests. These are TBD, but I can only assume Piper will be there.

Dinner will be no longer than 4 hours, but it could end in minutes! It's all up to the S-dogg. The final bit is the best, you can just read it yourself below. And if you're wondering what the *asterisk in the last paragraph is for, you can keep wondering. Nowhere in the auction is it explained in any way. I've included my version of what it probably means below. You can add you own if you want. It's fun to pretend.

*Easily the most rockheaded, harmful, distracting, lying, bag of monkeyshit in US history since perhaps James Earl Ray.

As is the wonderous way of the interwebz, there are a few fakie auctions in protest and in jest of Palin takin' it to eBay. This one is all about bidding for an evening of ping pong with some dudes who'll wear Palin and Rove paper masks during the entire game and following dinner. Nice.

And hey, it looks like Magog has decided to take a break from the ever zombifiying DC Universe to lend his help with a Sarah Palin dinner. Magog's a good guy. Once you get a few A-bombs in 'im.

And the winner of them all would be this dude. His outfit is for the win, and has currently raised the most cash. So hats off, triangle or otherwise, to you sir!

SO IRAN IS COOL NOW? (MONDAY SUPER RANT)

Because last I checked, the entirety of the Republican base and the majority of the country was shoving hot pokers up Obama's ass, even before he got elected, for saying that he'd be up for having talks with Iran. Ya know, diplomacy. Why? Because it's a nation of terror and Jew hating awesomeness - all of them! But, now that freedom has magically sprung up overnight and some innocent lady dies on tape for the world to see, Iran is cool and Republican jerks are super best friends with Iran and Obama is an asshole.

Apparently the entire country of Iran isn't in fact filled with terrorists, genetically enhanced muslim death squads, Menorah bustin' goons, or American hating fucknuggets that want to rape our children in the night with gigantic eggplants - as previously put forth for years by the fearmonger machine of the right wing. Sure they've their share of dangerous nutjobs. But have you looked around the US as of late? Nutjobs are everywhere.

Basically it turns out Iranians are just fucking people. Wow. They have people in the middle-East? I thought they were all pretty much muslim terrorist robots or simply part of a rampant mummy problem. And these people have been there for years? Really? They haven't just popped up just over this past week? Oh, my head is spinning with the revelations! Zoinks!

So, now the Republican base is up in arms and demanding that we have to go help them and support freedom! Send lawyers, guns and money! America-world-police are go!

The fuck? Really?

Let's go back to the glorious year 2000. Our very own nation (yes, the infallible USA) had a rather fucked and suspect election. One that was decided by the courts. Go Democracy. What if France was like "Hey, you guys should stop counting votes and hanging chads and grow up." or Germany was like "Hey, why do you even bother with elections?". The shitstorm would have been epic. Someone else would DARE tell the USA how to conduct its business and get away with it? Oh, shit no.

Same applies here you douche bags. Let it play out. It's not like there isn't enough broke ass shit in our own country to fix and thousands of people don't have jobs or healthcare. And calling another country's election system a farce is fucking hilarious to the extreme. We still use an electoral college which was designed mainly because FUCKING ROADS HAD NOT BEEN INVENTED.

Douche bag super quote of the week, from some wheezebag named Bill Bennett on CNN:

“We are last best hope on Earth,” “He is the President of the United States. If he will not side with these young people against a religious autocracy that is beating the hell out of people, what is the point of being the moral leader of the free world?”

Oh man, so much comedy in there. Pure gold.

Sorry. Rant over. Regularly scheduled posts of mindless content to follow.

ONE MORE SUPER RANT, THEN BACK TO FUN, I PROMISE. ECONOMIC HELLSTORM!

Insane rant ahead! Somewhat factual, but more or less a writing and filthy image exercise of sorts as I attempt to be amusing. So, you've been warned!

Having read the Wired article Chris dropped in a comment the other day, I feel as though I have a wee bit of a better grip on the whole confuso wall street bustification situation. But it's still insane. As thinking creatures, how could this come to pass? Oh wait, we're really all at our cores, greedy fucktards.

Here's what I gleaned. And it's probably quite wrong, since the concepts are so intangible it boggles the mind. I have a better handle on Kant and stuff like the philosophical takes on Free Will or the problem of Evil or time travel.

This math dude, David X. Li, got hired by investment peeps because academia can't even begin to put out a salary like the ones he was offered. So, advancement of humanity loses once again. Anyways, he went and simplified the impossible (complex correlations and how to make them a constant) and folks flocked to it as a truth, instead of a math theory like Mr. Li stated it. He warned about the flaws and issues with the idea, but few listened. Using Li's equation, investors were able to quantify an insane amount of risk factors into an easy to digest number. And they took that number seriously.

Enter the fail.

Using this new truth investors went and pooled together mortgages with bonds so as to get a AAA rating on mortgages that would never have gotten a watertight rating in the first place because it was pooled with more solid bonds and assets. By basing their logic on, essentially, the existence of Unicorns (ie an insane variable based in mathland ONLY), they were able to make just about every investment a AAA rated good deal by lumping shit together for massive payback. Practically 99% return guarantees with no risk. On paper. Let the trading frenzy begin!

Unfortunately, people in the real world starting saying "Dude, unicorns are bullshit". Then that 1% risk (which was insanely false to being with) blew the fuck up, the simplified correlation theory fell apart as actual correlations quickly spread, and home prices started eating dick en masse. Surprise! It turns out Leprechauns are total shit too, along with Bridge Trolls, the Tooth Fairy, and Honesty.

The variables go boom and now everyone has worthless paper piling up in banks. All the previously guaranteed unicorn money returns now REALLY don't exist and all these fucks are left with zilch. So, banks freak out, dish our bonuses like candy, close shop, and run like hell because they are worthless. The remainders lend to nobody because reality sucks and all banks act like petulant, entitled children who've shit their pants but still want to play in the pool.

Gobment steps up in the middle of a pressy campaign and throws an unjust, short sighted, poorly thought out, midnight special chunk of legislation through the system like Nolan Ryan (after a trip to the future so he can get some real deal steroid cocktails) and a crazy amount of money heads straight back to the original gaggle of fuck-ups who invented this problem in their Umpa Loompa powered ideatoriums. And we're fucking surprised chunks of it mysteriously walked away? U.S.A.!

Who to blame? Fuck. Language I guess. The very essence of syllables got us here. How about the reflexive act of breathing? As Chris pointed out, CNBC should pretty much be shut down and set on fire as an example. For a collective group on it's own separate channel that's supposed to report back to the public on the economy, wall street, and business practices, they really did the world a disservice. To the point that the term traitor should start to be bandied about.

To encompass their inability and stout refusal to report on what was really happening for a decade via honest to goodness hard work and research instead of straight up investigative dark magiks and word of mouth isn't that tough. Let's relate it to Katrina. I think most would agree that it was a fucked disaster that couldn't have been much worse. But if CNBC were in charge - it would of. Essentially, these fucks would have watched the storm abrewin' in the Gulf on their radars and simply shut off that TV monitor, all the while going about business as usual. Sorta like what Burke did to Ripley and Newt in Aliens.

Then they'd get in your face and try to sell you on the fact that those dark clouds on the horizon are actually condensed sun rays that actually take away harmful UV rays from Global Warming and reverse most types of skin cancer, melanoma, and shit, why not, AIDS. So get out there and soak it up! Then the storm shows up and fucks everyone in the mouth and CNBC doesn't understand what happened. As they report from New York or wherever Louisiana isn't.

Alright so that's a stretch, but basically, deep down these cocks knew all about this leaky ship, were making crazy money off of an idea - a concept - and decided to play along. Why bite the hand that feeds? So, we all lose and my taxes go to fuel continued douche baggery. I say let the things that "can't fail' fucking fail hard. Strife is the only way shit gets done ever. Ever. Look at history. No war, no progress. It's harsh, but it's how thing's have been since the start.

They win dude. Bring on CHOAM.

And now, to brighten things up a bit yet depress you at the same time: some puppies and kitties from a popular TV phenomenon.

THE 1560's WERE AWESOME

Been awhiles since I dipped into the political tard jungle! But this whole AIG (or should I say USAIG) thing is crazy. How did it get to be that an insurance-fucking-company has the power to destroy a country? Amazing.

The economy is in the shitter, half the people I know are unemployed or will soon to be unemployed and retardedly rich dudes are taking all the cash they can from these ridiculously leaky and impossible to track bailout plans before boarding jets to island safe houses in foreign waters. I'd prefer if everything just went straight to shit and Mad Max times were upon us. But alas, we're a civilized bunch of idiots. We don't throw shit anymore, we instead to choose to eat it. Daily. And like it.

But one man is brave enough to say what we're all thinking! Enter my hero for the day Sentator Charles Grassley from Iowa! A true Masaki Kobayashi fan! On AIG douches getting crazy bonuses for failing, he sez:

"I suggest, you know, obviously, maybe they ought to be removed," Grassley said. "But I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them if they'd follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, I'm sorry, and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide."

Of course this is all after the fact and a drop in the trillion zillion dollar bucket, but ya know. Take what I can get. It'd be dope if we took up the practices of them Samurai goons from back in the day. Belly cutting party begin! Senate and House gone! Heads everywhere!

MINOR FAIL

Forever 21 decided it'd be dope to use the Minor Threat font/logo on the above sweeeeeeeeet ass shirt. Just add neon and checkers! Fuck yeahs rock shirt! They done got shut down right quick. I'm not sure what's funnier, a chain store having a line getting shut down by ancient punk rock dudes or being an ancient punk rock dude and having to call Forever 21 and bitch about stealing logos off a band you did when you were 15.