Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Insane rant ahead! Somewhat factual, but more or less a writing and filthy image exercise of sorts as I attempt to be amusing. So, you've been warned!

Having read the Wired article Chris dropped in a comment the other day, I feel as though I have a wee bit of a better grip on the whole confuso wall street bustification situation. But it's still insane. As thinking creatures, how could this come to pass? Oh wait, we're really all at our cores, greedy fucktards.

Here's what I gleaned. And it's probably quite wrong, since the concepts are so intangible it boggles the mind. I have a better handle on Kant and stuff like the philosophical takes on Free Will or the problem of Evil or time travel.

This math dude, David X. Li, got hired by investment peeps because academia can't even begin to put out a salary like the ones he was offered. So, advancement of humanity loses once again. Anyways, he went and simplified the impossible (complex correlations and how to make them a constant) and folks flocked to it as a truth, instead of a math theory like Mr. Li stated it. He warned about the flaws and issues with the idea, but few listened. Using Li's equation, investors were able to quantify an insane amount of risk factors into an easy to digest number. And they took that number seriously.

Enter the fail.

Using this new truth investors went and pooled together mortgages with bonds so as to get a AAA rating on mortgages that would never have gotten a watertight rating in the first place because it was pooled with more solid bonds and assets. By basing their logic on, essentially, the existence of Unicorns (ie an insane variable based in mathland ONLY), they were able to make just about every investment a AAA rated good deal by lumping shit together for massive payback. Practically 99% return guarantees with no risk. On paper. Let the trading frenzy begin!

Unfortunately, people in the real world starting saying "Dude, unicorns are bullshit". Then that 1% risk (which was insanely false to being with) blew the fuck up, the simplified correlation theory fell apart as actual correlations quickly spread, and home prices started eating dick en masse. Surprise! It turns out Leprechauns are total shit too, along with Bridge Trolls, the Tooth Fairy, and Honesty.

The variables go boom and now everyone has worthless paper piling up in banks. All the previously guaranteed unicorn money returns now REALLY don't exist and all these fucks are left with zilch. So, banks freak out, dish our bonuses like candy, close shop, and run like hell because they are worthless. The remainders lend to nobody because reality sucks and all banks act like petulant, entitled children who've shit their pants but still want to play in the pool.

Gobment steps up in the middle of a pressy campaign and throws an unjust, short sighted, poorly thought out, midnight special chunk of legislation through the system like Nolan Ryan (after a trip to the future so he can get some real deal steroid cocktails) and a crazy amount of money heads straight back to the original gaggle of fuck-ups who invented this problem in their Umpa Loompa powered ideatoriums. And we're fucking surprised chunks of it mysteriously walked away? U.S.A.!

Who to blame? Fuck. Language I guess. The very essence of syllables got us here. How about the reflexive act of breathing? As Chris pointed out, CNBC should pretty much be shut down and set on fire as an example. For a collective group on it's own separate channel that's supposed to report back to the public on the economy, wall street, and business practices, they really did the world a disservice. To the point that the term traitor should start to be bandied about.

To encompass their inability and stout refusal to report on what was really happening for a decade via honest to goodness hard work and research instead of straight up investigative dark magiks and word of mouth isn't that tough. Let's relate it to Katrina. I think most would agree that it was a fucked disaster that couldn't have been much worse. But if CNBC were in charge - it would of. Essentially, these fucks would have watched the storm abrewin' in the Gulf on their radars and simply shut off that TV monitor, all the while going about business as usual. Sorta like what Burke did to Ripley and Newt in Aliens.

Then they'd get in your face and try to sell you on the fact that those dark clouds on the horizon are actually condensed sun rays that actually take away harmful UV rays from Global Warming and reverse most types of skin cancer, melanoma, and shit, why not, AIDS. So get out there and soak it up! Then the storm shows up and fucks everyone in the mouth and CNBC doesn't understand what happened. As they report from New York or wherever Louisiana isn't.

Alright so that's a stretch, but basically, deep down these cocks knew all about this leaky ship, were making crazy money off of an idea - a concept - and decided to play along. Why bite the hand that feeds? So, we all lose and my taxes go to fuel continued douche baggery. I say let the things that "can't fail' fucking fail hard. Strife is the only way shit gets done ever. Ever. Look at history. No war, no progress. It's harsh, but it's how thing's have been since the start.

They win dude. Bring on CHOAM.

And now, to brighten things up a bit yet depress you at the same time: some puppies and kitties from a popular TV phenomenon.


Chris Horse said...

And this is basically why a number of people have decried the bailout as treason (yes, treason) from the start.

Or as one very smart entrepreneur from one of my tech podcasts said:

"We can give 700 billion to the same people that got us into this mess, or we can let things fail and use the 700 billion to retrain people to do new, better jobs."

Basically we can give 700 billion to Detroit who can't think past 1960's cars and fail at running business or we let Detroit fall and retrain all those people to do things like administrate networks, build computers, and code shit.

A new workforce for a new American economy that is science and tech based - not manufacturing based.

Or we can continue to fail doing the same stupid shit over and over.

Unfortunately there are business entities so tied into government (all government, not just democrats not just republicans) that they will continue to get the bailouts until enough citizens (that's you) are educated enough to call people out on this shit.

Wordo said...

Oh Go-Go. The reason your very sound logic is confined to a blog comment is because the same megacorps own the press.

No one wants retraining! Then we have an educated workforce that can push management around and demand things.

Meanwhile, the press says: "Look, over there: Britney's va-jay-jay!"

Wordo said...

Oh, and for the Beezer clan: CHOAM is a perfectly suited Dune reference.

The Jerm is the spice!!!

Chris Horse said...

There is something to be said about Brit's Va-Jay-Jay.

Mainly, has gravity taken that much of a hold on it such that it appears to pour out of her pants like an octopus out of water?

The horror.... the horror...

And yet I WOULD tune to Fox News to watch that very same clip.

Cohen the Cretaceous said...

Watch Idiocracy again. Then look around you. We have become that for the most part. Terrible. Prepare the sidecar and gimme the chain-axe. I'm ready for my mohawk.

Murphy said...

I wrote a bunch of shit blastin you turds for not knowin what your talkin bout, twice, but I can't say it nice enough without sounding like a total d-bag.

Cohen that is your best comment ever pure cruciality.

Ty your grasp of the current economic crisis is also most crucial...I hear CNBC is hiring.

Gosh I haven't been this riled up since last years Champions League final.

Ack Ack Ack said...

Murphy: I claimed to have no true grasp of the knowledge at hand. This is pure knee jerk reaction. And babies covered in shit.

And this year's Champion's League Final can not be worse than last year. There's just no way.

rick smith said...

Babies covered in shit. FTW!

FaceMeltingDesigns said...

Fuck Jon Stewart, if you look to a 24 hour news channel for your financial advice, you deserve to get robbed and butt raped by a dozen bankers. It's like the equivalent of watching Fox News or MSNBC to find out what is happening in our government and the rest of the world. Head up asshole.

Ack Ack Ack said...

I think fucking Jon Stewart is a bit rough. Dude runs a comedy show that skirts news issues and opens lines for conversations on topics mainstream news ignores or misses.

It's total easy win 20/20 hindsight humor in most cases. Cramer got singled out as the CNBC rep because he couldn't keep his own mouth shut. He then walked into the lion's den and surprise, looked dumb. He did the same thing on Colbert a few nights before, but didn't get the point I guess. Anyways, it was an uncomfortable interview that I took no joy in watching. Ain't what I want to see.

I'd much rather watch stuff like Sam Bee's interviews and Lewis Black's silly diatribes on The Daily and instead watch the douche bags get their shit thrown back at them on standard news media.

It's just a general indicator of the sad state "news" is in that a comedy show has to pick up the slack on issues that get missed.

Like that Leprechaun picture I found. C'mon, how can you type angry with that lil' fella on the page?

"The Devil" said...

You know at first I was upset after reading this. Not having a job, using up my remaining savings, all with a kid on the way has me stressed to say the least. But having just watched the kitties play, all is well! I can finally untie the string from my big toe and put the shot gun away!!

Chris Horse said...

I never understand the hate tossed Jon's way when he points out 'entity A' is being a fucktard and should be called out for it.

What is the deal with that?

Jessica said...

I think Jon Stewart's sorta rolling up his sleeves, heaving a big sigh, and resigning himself to wade around in shit for a little while cause the people who are supposed to do that dirty work--the 'real' media--don't want to get dirty. He didn't look like he was relishing his 'conversation' with Cramer. He looked like the way I look when I'm signing up to give blood or something.

As for folks getting what is coming to them if they're retarded enough to let CNBC tell them what they should do with their investments, I hear you to a point. A lack of critical thinking skills abounds all over our great 'idiocratic' country. That said, CNBC needs to start using slogans like "Cramer: He'll Tell You Some Stuff You Might Want to Consider When Buying and Selling and Whatnot" instead of "In Cramer We Trust."

The way they present their role to their viewers is deliberately misleading, and, regardless of whether or not those viewers should have picked up on the fact they were being fed bad advice ranging from merely misguided to blatantly untrue, having a financial broadcast team of professional charlatans is pretty freaking shameful.

Cohen Waits for the Future said...

Once we get to this the economic situation will bearable or we won't care anymore.

Anonymous said...

A whole lot of monday morning quarterbacks, but where was the big red STOP sign when everyone was getting great returns then? Everybody is a fucking expert after the fact.

Oh, quick, let me look in my book and somehow link this to Nostradamus!! I have my hockey mask in the basement just in case...