ONE MORE SUPER RANT, THEN BACK TO FUN, I PROMISE. ECONOMIC HELLSTORM!

Insane rant ahead! Somewhat factual, but more or less a writing and filthy image exercise of sorts as I attempt to be amusing. So, you've been warned!

Having read the Wired article Chris dropped in a comment the other day, I feel as though I have a wee bit of a better grip on the whole confuso wall street bustification situation. But it's still insane. As thinking creatures, how could this come to pass? Oh wait, we're really all at our cores, greedy fucktards.

Here's what I gleaned. And it's probably quite wrong, since the concepts are so intangible it boggles the mind. I have a better handle on Kant and stuff like the philosophical takes on Free Will or the problem of Evil or time travel.

This math dude, David X. Li, got hired by investment peeps because academia can't even begin to put out a salary like the ones he was offered. So, advancement of humanity loses once again. Anyways, he went and simplified the impossible (complex correlations and how to make them a constant) and folks flocked to it as a truth, instead of a math theory like Mr. Li stated it. He warned about the flaws and issues with the idea, but few listened. Using Li's equation, investors were able to quantify an insane amount of risk factors into an easy to digest number. And they took that number seriously.

Enter the fail.

Using this new truth investors went and pooled together mortgages with bonds so as to get a AAA rating on mortgages that would never have gotten a watertight rating in the first place because it was pooled with more solid bonds and assets. By basing their logic on, essentially, the existence of Unicorns (ie an insane variable based in mathland ONLY), they were able to make just about every investment a AAA rated good deal by lumping shit together for massive payback. Practically 99% return guarantees with no risk. On paper. Let the trading frenzy begin!

Unfortunately, people in the real world starting saying "Dude, unicorns are bullshit". Then that 1% risk (which was insanely false to being with) blew the fuck up, the simplified correlation theory fell apart as actual correlations quickly spread, and home prices started eating dick en masse. Surprise! It turns out Leprechauns are total shit too, along with Bridge Trolls, the Tooth Fairy, and Honesty.

The variables go boom and now everyone has worthless paper piling up in banks. All the previously guaranteed unicorn money returns now REALLY don't exist and all these fucks are left with zilch. So, banks freak out, dish our bonuses like candy, close shop, and run like hell because they are worthless. The remainders lend to nobody because reality sucks and all banks act like petulant, entitled children who've shit their pants but still want to play in the pool.

Gobment steps up in the middle of a pressy campaign and throws an unjust, short sighted, poorly thought out, midnight special chunk of legislation through the system like Nolan Ryan (after a trip to the future so he can get some real deal steroid cocktails) and a crazy amount of money heads straight back to the original gaggle of fuck-ups who invented this problem in their Umpa Loompa powered ideatoriums. And we're fucking surprised chunks of it mysteriously walked away? U.S.A.!

Who to blame? Fuck. Language I guess. The very essence of syllables got us here. How about the reflexive act of breathing? As Chris pointed out, CNBC should pretty much be shut down and set on fire as an example. For a collective group on it's own separate channel that's supposed to report back to the public on the economy, wall street, and business practices, they really did the world a disservice. To the point that the term traitor should start to be bandied about.

To encompass their inability and stout refusal to report on what was really happening for a decade via honest to goodness hard work and research instead of straight up investigative dark magiks and word of mouth isn't that tough. Let's relate it to Katrina. I think most would agree that it was a fucked disaster that couldn't have been much worse. But if CNBC were in charge - it would of. Essentially, these fucks would have watched the storm abrewin' in the Gulf on their radars and simply shut off that TV monitor, all the while going about business as usual. Sorta like what Burke did to Ripley and Newt in Aliens.

Then they'd get in your face and try to sell you on the fact that those dark clouds on the horizon are actually condensed sun rays that actually take away harmful UV rays from Global Warming and reverse most types of skin cancer, melanoma, and shit, why not, AIDS. So get out there and soak it up! Then the storm shows up and fucks everyone in the mouth and CNBC doesn't understand what happened. As they report from New York or wherever Louisiana isn't.

Alright so that's a stretch, but basically, deep down these cocks knew all about this leaky ship, were making crazy money off of an idea - a concept - and decided to play along. Why bite the hand that feeds? So, we all lose and my taxes go to fuel continued douche baggery. I say let the things that "can't fail' fucking fail hard. Strife is the only way shit gets done ever. Ever. Look at history. No war, no progress. It's harsh, but it's how thing's have been since the start.

They win dude. Bring on CHOAM.

And now, to brighten things up a bit yet depress you at the same time: some puppies and kitties from a popular TV phenomenon.