Friday, March 6, 2009

I PICK APART THE NEW, 3RD, STAR TREK TRAILER BECAUSE I CAN! BESIDES, I WANT TO WIDLY SPECULATE ON CRAP THAT I SAW FOR A MERE SECOND!

New trailer means new fun speculation and rabid rantings from barely researched facts! This 3rd trailer opens up a few more questions and closes a few at at the same time. Kirk and the Enterprise just gets weirder and I'm beginning to like this Nero dude. There's a comic out now that's a prequel of sort and it's setting up how Nero got to be the way he is now. Basically he was a good dude, loyal to the Romulan Empire to the last, but he blames Vulcan and the Federation for the destruction of Romulus (along with his wife and unborn child) due to those two planets' people and their beaueaucratic inability to get anyfuckingthing done in a rapid manner. Now this is future Romulus, so he travels back in time somehow I guess to fuck up these two galactic powers so the Romulan Empire will be that much better. Or something. I love Romulans, so who cares.

Kirk snarfs his chocolate space milk after Spock drops
some choice racial slurs against Andorians.

Pissing off Asians is Kirk's specialty. Well, any foreigner really.
They best not bust up that jukebox damn it.
Those things are hard enough to get nowadays for crissakes.

I believe this is Papa Kirk about to bite it on the bridge...

...only to save his wifey and newborn son Kirk.

San Fransisco of the future seems to be doing just fine.
This is despite all that I hear the gays are doing to ruin the place
for good American regular straight folk.

But that Nero due isn't into queers I guess. Laser to face.

Lookit that orange haired dude in Starfleet College: Kilingon Manners 101.
I think I know his retarded red-headed father.

The mighty space vage disgorges Nero's ship!

Some planet imploding after getting the drill? Maybe Vulcan.
Mess with the Romulans, get the horns!
Even time travel can't save your ass!

So based on the dialogue, the Captain and 1st officer eat it.
So, Kirk just sorta takes command.
Because he's nearest the command chair and sits down first.
Starfleet Rule 329.78z9: Musical Chairs will be played in the event of...

Why is Kirk in this snowy realm?
He goes there after he takes over the Enterprise based on his face contusions.
I have no idea, but old tyme Spock is on this planet me thinks.
Maybe Spock came back with Nero and was then exiled?

1701 vs The Nero ship thingy.
Sweet. A little close though!

This ship bugs me.
It looks like the form of a person is standing there.
Like Spock in a blue uniform.

But then it goes off towards Nero's ship...

...and rams into it causing a big explosion?
Maybe past Spock has to die so future Spock never was?
I don't like time travel.

Spock gets some "play".

Laser blast from sky confirms that Nero attacks Vulcan.
Or someone with that ship at least.

Even Spock's hair is highly logical and mathematically perfect.

Sulu rocks a sword reverse hand stylee.

And he flips and whirls around like a Samurai.

While Kirk gets straight bitched by Nero.

End result: They both get tossed off the friggin' drill platform.

Nero is pissed and says:
"James T Kirk was a great man, but that was another life."
Oh, how I don't like time travel.

Kirk runs from a bearlike snow beast.

Then the snow beast gets eaten by some other huge bastard!

Papa Kirk on the bridge just before it blows the fuck up.
He's getting lifted out of the chair from the blast behind him.
Action crotch!

Enterprise drops out off warp to enter the debris field that was the USS Kelvin.
I think that's Pike or April, not Kirk in the command chair.
So the current captain eats it somewhere during this sequence.

Nero's ship seems to fire nothing but hordes of physical missiles.
I don't recall a single phaser or anything.
Maybe refitted drilling equipment?
Damn Romulan hillbillies.

Old Spock or Past Spock I guess.
He was revealed in an earlier web only trailer version.
I just stuck him in here.
That makes FOUR Spocks in this movie.
Infant, boy, young adult, ancient.
Spock, the Final Frontier.

9 comments:

Chris Horse said...

WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE A GOOD FUCKING SPACE SHIP BATTLE MOVIE? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HAVE TIME TRAVEL TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING?

I FUCKING HATE TIME TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unless it's Terminator.

Fiend Without A Face said...

Of all the people I knew, his hair was the most... red.

You really think that was Vulkan? I thought it was some moon they balsted to prove they weren't fucking around. No wonder Spock joined Starfleet...

Note that Kirk doesn't appear to be wearing a Starfleet uniform when he hops in the big boy chair. Another reason why the retard field trip shouldn't include the bridge. When the shit goes down and some Downer is taking a shit in the Captain's chair, Starfleet says Corky is in command?

I bet Kirk is on Hoth as part of the "shitty Academy experiences I had" sequence that seems to include extreme space jumping. I really hope that all concludes with him cheating like a bastard at the Kobiyashi Maru and celebrating with a three-way with the green chick and Go-go Junior.

Can Spock's hair be perfect if there is still sideburn shadow? You can't tell me there isn't somebody in Hollywood like Lobot who wouldn't have been thrilled to have been on set and whose job it was to shave Sylar every time they cut filming. Hair farming is extremely logical. You would think they would ditch the Prince Valiant and just go straightedge kid chrome.

Is Kirk Senior kneeling in the chair? Who sits like that older than eight? Starfleet is messed up...

And of course, every time they show him, Scotty has to be dripping wet.

readwright said...

That icy scene is when Clark Kent creates the Fortress of Solitude. Or, no wait, it's when Superman gives up his powers to be with that crazy bitch Margot Kidder who loves hot dogs and orange juice (yeah she does!) and then has to walk back to civilization (what, they have time travel but no snowmobiles?). Many a lesson is learned while walking hundreds of miles over snow and ice!

rick smith said...

I don't like shaving dudes. Even for Star Trek. Alright...maybe I would, but only if I was listed in the credits as "Spock's groomer" or something.

FaceMeltingDesigns said...

I can only hope that the morbidly obese couples on a double date, who were downing double orders of pretzel bites and chocolate-covered-god-knows-what for the entire watchmen movie, will sit next to me if and when I go see the star trek movie. They gave the trailer a hearty ovation. I really need someone to sit near me and whisper to each other how awesome everything is, just so I know. Nerds are to sci-fi movies what black people are to movies.

Chris Horse said...

OH NO YOU DIN"T!

OH SNAP!

Ack Ack Ack said...

Fiendy: It's VULCAN. I don't know where VULKAN is.

I think Spock can trim his hair with his mind alone.

Murphy said...

This post lacks Germanz, Star Trek how disappointing...

Wordo said...

And Hollywood continues on its greedy rampage, raping our collective childhoods. Next up: GI Joe with a Batman and Robin look.