THE DUENDE TERROR

Are you prepared for a horror such that you may never be able to sleep again? The answer is no! Feast your eyes upon and bare your soul to the most recent creepy critter to terrorize South American folks who simply love to play football in their living rooms and shoot mega-grainy videos of each other performing said acts of footballery. I bring you three studies in YouTube macabre and yound men screaming like 8 year old girls, the unbridled terror of... THE DUENDE!

Plus an old link to an article featured in the super trustworthy Sun concerning this terrifying phenomenon!

WEEKLY NIGHTMARE CREATURE THAT SHOULDN'T BE: GIANT COCONUT CRABS

They'll crush your skull while you sleep because they think it's a coconut.

AND WHERE MIGHT THIS JOURNEY BE TO THEN?

Wow. The folks running this freebie online Populus/SimCity type game are really trying to get me to "Registered Now" (nice) for their creation. It pops up on The Bugle's site/The Times Online UK as well as Hotmail and somewhere else I can't remember. I'm not sure what heaving lakes of bossoms and Medieval whorefests have to do with managing food, livestock, farming, the plague, and a bunch of Minas Tirth rip-offs.

ZUCCHINI BLOW

I planted the zucchini a bit late and it has been a stupid dry Summer thus far. So, not much love on the garden front. But the green beasts have finally started showing some fruit. This is one of the weirdo strains I picked up. It's a Florentine type zucchini. I dug it because it's has all these deep ridges (note the star shapes after cutting) instead of a smooth skin. Tasted just fine. I may have picked it a wee bit too small, but I needed something green for dinner last night. Such a strange vegetable, with the flower attached and the way it just grows into a tuber out of nothing. Creepy.

YOU ROLLED A "1" ON THE ZOCCHIHEDRON, YOU LOSE

This dude is gold. Lou Zocchi is some sorta dice god who's been around forever. He holds a patent for freaking "dice braking systems" and developed the D100 (Zocchihedron). He understands polyhedral angles and verticies to the point that perhaps one day he will be needed to thwart a freshly loosed Cthulhu and his busted geometry dimensional tricks. I've seen Lou at GenCon each time at his sad little booth of outdated wonders, but one time, I did buy some of his Trek plastic ships there. Though to be honest I though he had plastic Romulan BOPs. But, I was wrong. I did get a magic trick along with my purchase though.

OK, the point. Listening to him kick dice science in these videos is amusing. If you stick through the 20 minutes (doubtful), you'll learn a few further reasons why Chessex should be burned to the ground. But mostly, just enjoy the airbrushed shirt, handmade graphs from 20 years ago, copyright dated "200", little china girl, the sweet editing job between part 1 and part 2, his hapless unbiased assistant, magic tricks, usage of curse words like gee whiz, and the pure mania the guy exudes.

BREAKIN THE LAW or TOTAL BULLSHIT CAMERA FUCK TICKET GARBAGE ROBOT CAMERA MONEY EATER

Check out my speedin' image, lovingly printed out and sent my way care of Maryland's magical safety camera robots. I'm amazed at the speed trap camera's ability to capture such a tiny target moving at the eye blisterin', mind shatterin', dong splittin' speed of 38 MPH. I'm now officially certified to buy a spiked German helmet, excessively large shoulder chains, an Iron Cross choker, and various swastika accessories.

JAMES THE HAPLESS BURGLAR

I guess you have to start somewhere. Oh junk mail sometimes you are awesome.

MMMMMMMMMM FLESH or CORPSEFACE OF THE WEEK

This simple image brings me no end of joy whilst trapped in the ol' dayprison.

HE'S WATCHING YOUR BREAD.

A POINTLESS POST ABOUT WEATHER

The weeks of gathering up neighborhood cats, catching raccoons, trapping a curious hobo and then slowly sacrificing them (or parts of them) during late Winter night rituals to a Mythos deity which dwells underneath my garden in our backyard has paid off pretty well. The DC standard Summer weather configuration of 100% swamp-ass has been successfully diverted. Nights that aren't hideous sweat endurance contests! Nice days to ride to work and back! Air that doesn't hurt to breathe! No need to slap deodorant on my balls!

But, for how long will this last? I'm not sure. That hobo chained in the garage is running low on limbs and those things (limbs) are gold in terms of offerings to an alien being trapped just outside our dimension who is only really able to alter local weather patterns and gift followers with bountiful crops of particular green leaved vegetation. I think I can keep the rituals up for another week or so. After that I think we're just gonna have to deal with the horrors of August.

REASON #753 THAT GAMERS SHOULD COLLECTIVELY BURN CHESSEX TO THE GROUND

The reasons are numerous, but one that really brings it home is simple. Plague and Pestilence. A fun little card game. These fucks have been sitting, SITTING on the license and rights to a complete, finished, no need for tweaking, dead simple but extremely popular card game, for close to 2 years now.
As you can see on their abso-wonderous fail site (reason #49), the game is "on hold". Along with another game they claim to sell, but currently have never released nor do they have a release date for it. Yeah, wrap your head around that sentence. Such is their sound business logic. You can also see on the page some other items that you may want but can't have because they will be out of stock until the end of time.


All they have to do is print the fucker. It's a done deal. It's like printing your own damn money. Plague and Pestilence is a perfect little game. It needs no new art, no new rules, no new nothing. It just needs to exist! Print the cards, put them in a box and, slap some of your fucking precious skull dice in there and ship it to the hungry nerds that are paying up to 120 bucks for a copy currently. Assholes! There a few sites on the internet that are pre-ordering the game, but have no idea (December maybe?) when it'll arrive. Gotta love pre-orders for stuff that may not exist.


Now, back to their website. Please, do go and enjoy the largest dice manufacturer's shit filled website! See how many different copyrights you can find! Oldest copyright wins a prize! The prize of course being whatever you want to take as yours since the copyright barely made this millennium! Check ou tthat jaggy logo! Marvel at the use of white space on the Dice home page! Wonder if you're going blind due to the crummy blurred pictures! Enjoy the sense of confusion you feel as you click on the Blank Dice link found here and are dumped onto a page with a giant list! See if you can find the cleverly hidden "click here to order" links scattered throughout the site!

It' simply amazing that these tards are allowed to continue to run a business. I'd be fucking embarassed to the extreme if this was my company's website and general ethos. So, gamer nerds, burn Chessex to the ground. Or at the very least, whoever hosts this abomination of a webpage, please delete it. I'll trade you my copy of Plague and Pestilence if you do.