WHAT'S IN BATMAN'S UTILITY BELT? EVERYFUCKINGTHING!

A mere day stands before me and sadly perverse nerd joy fufillment. I'm just now finishing up my year plus viewing of the 10 season MST3K run. And thanks to Diabolik, I've been sure to remember to take my "anti" pills so that I won't explode in anticipation.

TRI-COLOR POPCORN FOR TAPEWORM! CRUMB DUNGEON KEEPS EXCESS FRESH UNTIL LATER!

Treat the homeless to a tin of holiday popcorn.
Use both hands! Dig deep!

Maryland is fucking stupid.

Snow is predicted! Run! Mid-Atlantic Panic begin!

Get in line! End of world!

Must have bread! Must have Colas! This line is better!

Oh noes! Meat is low! Line is growing! No time!

Frozen pizza is not on sale! Get Stouffer's lasagna box instead!

Oh shit! We'll live off of Utz! This line is best!

OJ is low too! We're doomed! Noooo!
The line now begins somwhere in Y'ha-nthlei! Ia! Ia!

Oh wait, we already have more food at home than we could ever eat in a week...

(Soooo, why was I out in this BS if I'm so darn smart? Well, I thought it'd be cool to do a taco night, but I had no taco stuff. Taco night rules. So I went out innocently thinking I'd get taco stuff right quick. Once I pulled into the normally empty underground "get robbed here" parking zone at Dangerway, I knew I had made a mistake. Oh yeah, that snow thing I had heard about, I guess people are losing their shit and are in desperate need of bread. But how bad could it really be? Bad. People were out of their minds.)

I'M IN YOUR HOUSE NOW!

Now that he's got his learnin' for free, it's time for Hobo Pete to become un-hoboed. Oh no, wait! They used Hobo Pete's demographic likeness, but he can't refinance his box car! Oh, the injustice. Next it'll be an ad for swimming pool installation or some shit poor Pete can't possibly own.

HOBO GRANTS

I didn't know the government was so big on scooping up the vast, untapped transient market via internet ads posted on Hotmail. Seeing as how those guys are always on their smartphones, it makes total sense. Bums need loans, that's their real problem. The more loans, the less bums. Hooray!

RIDICULOUS IDEAS THAT I'VE MOCKED PRIVATELY IN MY HEAD (THAT'S HOW IT WORKS) AS COMPLETELY STUPID ARE REAL AND NOW SOMEONE MAKES MONEY OFF OF IT.

So, when I sit there and watch rotten films like this Rothrock gem (generally on a Tuesday night), my mind tends to retard a bit. Stupid ideas populate the mind, but are discarded. Because they are a bit off or just plain wrong.

Here, you try. Check the blow by blow, then watch the full scene below and take in every tasty battle cry - and see if it works for your brain.

Now, after all that, I'm sure you may have thought it'd be a great idea to put dogs in a sleeved blanket, or attach a fan to high powered halogens and have Mr. T be the spokesperson, or sell used girl's panties in vending machines, or have Steven Segal develop an energy drink, or simply name such a drink Cocaine. But no, you shelved those thoughts.

Welllllll some Urologist in Florida, (yes Florida - where else does shit like this bloom?) thought it'd be great if he didn't have to work anymore or hear about people's wang problems so that he could watch Roger Corman films all day. Instead folks would pay him for some ridiculous product. More than he likely conjured this up while watching Nightbeast (which had some amazing lazzzer scenes by the way) or some crap. So, he developed the UroClub. It's the 5 Iron that you pee into. Complete with discreet junk towel.

Watch the commercial and allow you mind to just drift away. You can actually hear your brain close a door and walk down some stairs deep within your psyche as it up and leaves you. Below I leave you with a final, puzzling image of the Urologist in question who now lives off this pee filled garbage. It's unknown why there are 4 Photoshopped shots of himself in various degrees of distress. Thoughts are welcome.

STICK LUNCH

Had some pistachios for lunch.

Got a bonus stick for my efforts.

Nummers.

GOOD TIMES FLASH: TURN BASED ALIENS GAME

I recall holding the box to the Aliens boardgame in my hands at some fleamarket as a kid and putting it back because I didn't have the 5 or 6 bucks the dude wanted for it. Instead I used that cash for a pizza lunch and some soda - because I didn't get soda as a kid unless I went out and bought it myself. And the desire to have liquid sugar in my system overtook the desire to own the board game version of an awesome movie. Of course it's valued at a couple hundred bucks now, but boy was that pizza great.

So, there's plenty of print and play zip files out there that I'll someday get and maybe invest the time to recreate the contents. Until then, there's a flash version that does the trick nicely. Great way to blow some time. And shoot some aliens in the face. And blow up that turd Burke.

Mechanics are Space Hulky to the max. Or is Space Hulk actually Aliensy to the max? Release dates point to a toss up since they were released the same year - 1989.

IT'S SO GOLDEN BROWN AND CRISPEE!

Mr.T's FlavorWave Turbo is not a fever dream. He's gone the infomercial route in the hopes of achieving Forman Grill status and maybe to pick up a new van in the process. This shit is epic. The production is top to bottom hilarity: cuts to the near rapturous audience, breaking things, eating things, incredulous queries, saying Mmmm alot. Yeah. It's all in there.

The whole thing opens with Mr. Tureaud, our 57 year old hero,
busting through a door. While wearing a red shirt to honor the Kool Aid Man.

He looks a bit stunned afterwards. But triumphant nonetheless!

The crowd straight loses their shit. Especially that one grey hair.

After some cooking and stuff, the ladys busts out a cake
(not made in the turbo machine).

"It's not my Birffday!" Exclaims Laurence.

Well, it may not be his birffday, but that one grey hair think T should get some bling for his efforts.

Presto, the piece de la resistance.
A fucking FlavorWave gold medal. I can't deal with this.


Here's the real deal video. Favorite moments at 2:02, 3:03, and 5:20.


And, the inevitable mashups. This one is more aggro.
Breaking things and making demands are front and center.


This one is a bit more soulful, with a lovely chewing breakdown. Nice.

BARBARIAN SHAME & RANDOM NAKED LEAD

What have I done?

When a film ends on the Netflix freebie streaming player a screen pops up that feels just like end of an old NES game. Ya know, the crummy one screen ending you're rewarded with after hours of playing that features maybe a new graphic or a flashing bunch of colors with a single line of text displaying "You are win, let's challenge the stage again !!". Such was the case with Time Barbarians.

I'm huge and buttery!

Barbarian dudes, seriously effeminate evil barbarian dudes, a glowing bunch of rocks named Moltor or some shit, a severed hand, people's barbarian names changing (Gronkor, no wait Griftor, or was it Kogor?) all over the place, and a sword that teleports to LA when necessary. The sword and sorcery genre is almost impossible to do right. It's just so goofy. And when you consistently star muscled up acting tour de forces from American Gladiators, it only amplifies your chance of failure.

Over The Top II?

Speaking of failure, I was greeting by nightmare in miniature form once more the other day. During some research on ancient lead filled GW miniatures to sell on eBay I found a true chamber of model horror. Our topless friend below is but a taste of the bad taste to behold. Dare ye clicketh here?
So, I pose this dual question to all 3 of you out there. What is the most disappointing video game ending you've experienced and please locate even worstest naked miniatures from the internets to scoff at. Scavenger hunt!

NES SEASONAL JOY TRIGGERS

When the holidays near, I can't help but be reminded of the countless joys our stupid NES brought my brother and I. Holidays meant new games. Sweet, sweet new games. Either we got some new ones or friends did. Either way: Many days off in a row + sledding hills freezing over + NES games afterwards = childhood gold.

So, a pile of YTMNDs in the NES vein, for us all.

This one sums up a buncha the childhood memories, all up to a funtastic 8-bit soundtrack.
Can you name all the game screens flashin by? I got 17 written down.

Yay MacGyver!

Zidane's legacy in 8-bit

Bon Jovi + Zelda

Electman was the 3rd robot you had to take out. And a fave.

The blinking screen of doom!

Contra Police.

WOW. REALLY? FRANCE, MAN UP. BOW OUT.

For Murphy.

Ball in.

And down.

Misses 17, through to Henry.

Uh oh, might pass the end line!

I'll use my patented "4th foot" to set this right!

There we are.

Nice set up now.

And cross to 5.

Bing.

Put a head on it.

We're off to Africa! Thanks 4th foot!

Haaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd...

...bbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllll...

.....lllllllsssshhhhiiiiiiiitttttt.

And with that, France boots out the Irish from World Cup dreams. Pretty sad way to get in to the cup. Cheating/BS handball shenanigans in the freakin' wild card series? I don't think Henry cheated on purpose per se, but damn, he shoulda walked into that goal, told his teammates to stop running around like a legit goal happened, handed the ball to the Irish keeper, and said "my bad."

Well, I know who I'll be double cheering against come this Summer. Here's to an early defeat!