Friday, December 18, 2009

Maryland is fucking stupid.

Snow is predicted! Run! Mid-Atlantic Panic begin!

Get in line! End of world!

Must have bread! Must have Colas! This line is better!

Oh noes! Meat is low! Line is growing! No time!

Frozen pizza is not on sale! Get Stouffer's lasagna box instead!

Oh shit! We'll live off of Utz! This line is best!

OJ is low too! We're doomed! Noooo!
The line now begins somwhere in Y'ha-nthlei! Ia! Ia!

Oh wait, we already have more food at home than we could ever eat in a week...

(Soooo, why was I out in this BS if I'm so darn smart? Well, I thought it'd be cool to do a taco night, but I had no taco stuff. Taco night rules. So I went out innocently thinking I'd get taco stuff right quick. Once I pulled into the normally empty underground "get robbed here" parking zone at Dangerway, I knew I had made a mistake. Oh yeah, that snow thing I had heard about, I guess people are losing their shit and are in desperate need of bread. But how bad could it really be? Bad. People were out of their minds.)

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I lost my mind once. I stayed calm, though.

I went to the village pound and rented (under the table) a toothless zombie named 'Gary.' I kept Gary on a leash and he was able to sniff-out my mind within a few minutes.

Pet stores and dog rescue services sometimes keep a zombie or two on-hand during snow emergencies. They like to ball-up under the straw in their cages. They can ball-up real good.

Gary liked to listen to Chopin nocturnes on his headphones while he worked. If Gary is reading this...I'd just like to say 'Thanks' and 'Keep reaching for the stars.' I guess that's kind've an inside joke 'cause he liked to point to the sky in time with the music. He says he can see the notes.

Anyways, without Gary, I'd still be wandering around the grocery store searching for my mind in the bulk meat department.

Chris Horse said...

It's the royal two-fer screw.

Last minute Christmas shopping plus DANGER DANGER snow shopping.

Heavy shit, yo.

Now just imagine the lines if they had forecast a doom-yielding zombie apocalypse! I mean, it's your LAST trip to the store. That's a two-cart trip.

Fiend Without A Face said...

Heh. Fuck Maryland weather.

Not like Washington is any better. Oh fucks! Rain! How will we drive?! Needless to say, my commute is usually fueled with rage, the most 'green' energy source of all.

Coach Cohen said...

I say take this and clear a path. Also, it doubles as a zombie removal device.

"The Devil" said...

Here on the late news in Baltimore they spend their 30 minutes talking about 2 things, murder and weather. Then another 30 minute show focused just on the weather. Brain dead freaks. The zombie apocalypse has already happened, and the undead all reside in Baltimore.

Murphy said...

Awesome stuff, however you have lived in MD for how long and you're just figurin this shit out..? Come on Cairo that shit happens when we get .5 inch.

BTW, we had deer tacos (killed by crazy Jimmy himself)yesterday and they were way dope...best part I went to Teeter saturday at 3pm (heart o the storm) for ye ole taco kit and I was one of only 5 customers. "Lakisha" the angry checkout bird actually smiled and thanked me...this has never happened before, truely the snowpacalypse was upon us.

The bad part, due to my beard being yeti-like and snowinfested a lil girl actually ran away from me screaming and cryin, well anyways I hope it was my beard...

Ack Ack Ack said...

Frightened child Yeti snow beard for the 100% Placemat comment win of the year. Which, I think you already previously had to your credit.

Fiend Without A Face said...

@Mad Murf-Pics or it didn't happen! How epic is your face garden?

Murphy said...

My crumb dungeon is indeed epic.
Rest assured, I would not look out of place in the mountains of Waziristan or some such local.