Monday, October 27, 2008

HALLOWEEN SUPER SPECTACULAR #1! (SEE HOW I RESISTED THE URGE TO USE SPOOKTACULAR? IT'S CALLED STANDARDS PEOPLE.)


In the spirit of the single greatest, most ridiculous holiday on the US calendar, I'm gonna take a look at the best and shittiest Halloween candy a kid (ie, me a billion years ago) could get. One a day, along with helpful suggestions for folks intent on ruining childhood memories.

OK, let's begin with probably greatest abomination to the candy world....

NECCO WAFERS. If I wanted to eat flavored-ish chalk in an olde tyme wax paper format, I'd fire up my time machine, pack up a handful of sugar packets, go to a quarry in 1820, destroy my time machine (I've already brutally wasted it's potential) then die a horrible candy fueled intestinal mineral death. These things blow. Here's a fun fact from the NECCO website:

"The U.S. Government requisitioned a major portion of the production of NECCO Wafers during World War II. The candy doesn’t melt and is practically indestructible during transit, making it perfect for shipping overseas to the troops."

Sounds delicious. I especially loathe the "chocolate" flavored ones. My throat swells at the thought of them. And luckily, you can buy a whole roll of delicious dark dusty pain in pure faux chocolate form. Booyah! Thanks Oliver Chase and Silas Edwin! Try harder next time.


IF YOU'RE STUPID ENOUGH TO GIVE THEM OUT THIS YEAR: Expect retaliation. These things are pretty hard. So expect a hail of them to chip the paint on your car, injure your cat, put out an eye, clog your sewers, and serve as the medium for swastikas to be drawn on your driveway/house.


On the better side of things: Reese's Fucking Peanut Butter Cups. These things were the single most sought after item in my quest for sugar charged Halloween nirvana. I remember one year our group encountered some goon who left a big ass bowl of them on his porch, all alone with the note "Please take only one." We just sorta looked at each other, then shit went down like Lord of the Flies. 5-6 of the precious candies were crushed in the ensuing wrestling match. We walked off with at least 10 to a person. I don't remember the rest of the evening, I was wasted on chocolate and peanut butter.

Thank you Harry Burnett Reese. You rule. I'm not sure where all this peanut allergy bullshit came from, but I'm sure you could conquer it with enough of your delicious candies.

12 comments:

Stuart Spengler said...

Yeah, Reese's are probably the best.

Fun l'il Halloween story; back in the day, after we got our candy haul, we would take Smarties, crush them up, and then add them to Coke, Pepsi, orange juice, whatever, and then see how much of the sludgy mess we could handle. I think I saw a Triceratops off that shit once.

Cantankerous Cohen said...

But what about Mr. Bones?!?

Boooga!

Ack Ack Ack said...

Great job on ruining tomorrow's "good candy" post. A round of applause please!

Ty said...

Seriously Mr Bones were amazing.

But I really wonder how it is, that in the 12 years or so since I would regularly go trick or treating, that all kids are allergic to nuts? I guess maybe I should go out this year, then I would get all the Peanut butter cups in Chicago! That or knowing my luck no one gives them out anymore...

Fuckers.

Ty said...

Oh yea, my oldest sister actually likes those necco waffers. I always thought she was retarded for various reasons. This one was one of the biggest of all.

Dastardly Dan said...

mounds and almond joy were always given to the parents, never ate them, as a youngster (not that there is any record of this) I couldn't stand coconut... or guava paste, which I still think is pretty gross.

Necco wafers are the MRE's of the candy world. You can eat them, you will eat them, but you don't wanna.

readwright said...

I think one of those freaky fertility doctors who impregnated all those women with their own juice must have had the peanut allergy gene. Now the population is overrun with their Reeses-hating offspring.

Stuart Spengler said...

Mr. Bones, wtf?

We apparently couldn't get cool candy in the wilds of Idaho...

Chris Horse said...

When overprotective moms sanitize every single surface and don't let their crotch fruit play in the dirt, you get kids with whacked-out immune systems (on the flip side, this means my crotch fruit will be unkillable like cockroaches).

The upshot is Darwin wins sooner rather than later.

Wordo said...

Go-go, your crotch fruit emerged pre-soiled.

Beezer said...

Jerm loves NECCO wafers. Although he tends to eat like the whole pack in about 5 minutes then moan for the rest of the day. The chocolate ones are the only worthy ones.

PS: Jerm does similar with Candy Corn.

PSS: Go-go is fucked up.

Ack Ack Ack said...

I recall the Buttock eating piles of NECCO in my presence during a paint eve. I though he hated the chocolate ones. My memory is failing.

I don't like the idea of crotch fruit. But GoGo certainly does. Small female child #3 to ruin Fatty's life some more - coming real soon!