Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I DON'T WANT THE STUFF THAT YOU DON'T WANT, SO STOP HANDING IT OUT TO ME.

PENNIES, QUARTERS, HALF DOLLARS, PENCILS, ERASERS, BRAZILIAN NUTS - ie RANDOM CRAZY SHIT: This is the lowest of the low in terms of Halloween treat giving. This is scum level territory. When you're an adult and you decide that any of these things, or even more berserk items, are a good idea - then you obviously missed out on your childhood somehow. And for this loss, I'm sorry.

Kids don't want you pocket change. They want goddamn candy. Candy by the fistfuls. Candy to get them through the dull November month ahead. CANDY! As for handing out school supplies...for real? You want to remind the kids of school while out on their once a year pagan sugar rampage? Stupid. Even Halloween themed or some other gimmicky shaped erasers are a no-no. School's not fun. Stop ruining the fun.
And nuts of any sort are bullshit. Unless they are soaked in chocolate and hidden inside of something called a "Snickers". I honestly got 3 or 4 Brazilian nuts one year. I was beside myself. I didn't realize it until I got home, which is a shame. I'd have loved to return the favor to their gas tank.

Wrapping up this sort of random crap from around your house and throwing it in opaque "treat bags" is a favorite way for these types of terrible people to hide their wrong doings. Cast a wary eye on such gifts, they inevitable contain sadness. Step on them in front of the giver. You're better off.

IF YOU ARE SCUM AND HAND THIS GARBAGE OUT: Prepare to find the stuff in your bushes, jammed into your lawn, stuffed in you mailbox, or thrown into your gutters. One year just prior to Halloween, out group of lil' bastards discovered the ol' hairspray and lighter flamethrower trick. It was a good Summer. What's more, we linked this reaction to cans of Silly String as well. This way we could take the stuff out on Halloween without turning any heads by dragging cans of hairspray around. And even one better, there was no need for a lighter because there were Jack-o-lanterns a plenty in the 'hood.

Anywho after some fucking Chud handed us a pile of Dixon Ticonderoga #2s, there only one thing to do. Once the dude had closed the door, presumably to masterbate on the glee of causing distress to kids dressed as skeletons and a Rubik's cube, we set upon his pumpkin with wicked intent. Man, that thing went up quick. Three cans or so of Silly String will casue quite the visible fireball in the October evening. I definitely recall peeing myself a little, such was the power of the laughter. Two or three more pumpkins were reduced to a grinning cinder that night.

GOBSTOPPERS: Yeah. I was into those pretty hardcore.

9 comments:

readwright said...

One year this lady gave out little plastic baggies of plain popcorn. Aside from the 10 pieces of popcorn in the bag there was a tiny slip of paper with her phone number written on it. This was presumably so parents could call her and complain if a kid died of poisoned popcorn, but was used instead to make crank calls anytime we were bored. Why torment random strangers when that bitch that gave us a baggie of popcorn gifted us with her phone number?

Stuart Spengler said...

Wow, I would have been severely disappointed to call that number and not be greeted with heavy breathing.

Stuart Spengler said...

How about beef jerky?

Weird, but to me, infinitely more desirable than nuts and pencils. Bacon would be the best, but that is getting kinda sketchy.

Chris Horse said...

Quarters? You fucking complained about getting quarters as a kid during the era of arcades with Street Fighter and Street Fighter 2?

Your priorities were out of whack, yo.

Wordo said...

Ah, but the quarters were good for something else.

When I was 10 and my brother 8, we had made the rounds a few times and had heavy bags of candy and change.

Some jackass thought he'd be Mr. Haunted Mansion and hid in the bushes by his front door to jump out and scare the kids. No spooky decorations to warn us or anything.

Out he jumped at the two of us, and I hit him square in the jaw with my heavy bag of candy and quarters. BAP! His stupid skeleton mask went flyin' into the bushes as he yelled, "Jesus, kid!"

Keep the quarters for defense. And for Super Mario/Altered Beast.

keam said...

pissing yourself when you laugh is stress incontinence. get it checked out.

anyone get verbally badgered by a drunk dude who answered the door on halloween? me and my brother did. best thing his daughter wwas in my class. she never lived that one down

ty said...

Yea dude, seriously, I would have taken all the quarters out there if there were ones to be given. Like that horse fella said, there were arcades a plenty. Between SF2, and MK2, those quarters would have been such joyous pleasure.

I've never tried to silly string/flame to death a pumpkin before. Never too old for something like that I suppose.

I should also steal all the candy my mom is going to give out and eat it all. In its place give out total shit to the kids. Then put someones number I hate along with the shit. Actually, maybe I should just go over to a friends house to do it so their house feels the wrath. Best of both worlds.

Beezer said...

I remember getting apples before the whole razor-blade craze. And popcorn balls–THEY were the crappiest thing to get ever. And I've gotten a few toothbrushes in my time too. Then there was the ritzy neighborhood that gave out giant sized candy! Yeah baby!

Ack Ack Ack said...

QUARTERS SUCKED. I'm talking like 2 of 'em. Arcades and quarters only happened in 5 dollar increments. You had to spend the day there with your pockets fucking bulging. A pair of quarters is just plain depressing.

I mean how many extra turbos can you buy for Ironman Ivan Stewart's Super Off Road with 2 fucking quarters? Though could crush most of Golden Axe on that kinds coin...

Popcorn is just plain lame. Criminal. You eat popcorn during the apocalypse because there ain't shit to eat.