Tuesday, October 28, 2008

MR. BONES VS. WPSTGAMITBOYPAMATOGCSTS (MR. BONES WINS EVERY SINGLE TIME)


MR. BONES: OK, so somebody ruined the unveiling of today's awesome candy by blabbin' his cyber face in the comment section. Oh well, you can't control crazy, only harness it, point it in a direction, and hope for the best! But the point remains completely true. Mr. Bones was a pretty fucking dope candy to get. It was mega-rare, because most people suck and just get whatever for Halloween candy. Few folks think it through.

I still get excited when I see the stuff in CVS or whatever. My mind subconsciously scans the shelves for Mr. B during the October month. I can't control it. But it's been goddamn years since my last Mr. Bones encounter. Oh, where have you gone, you beautiful bastard? There's some bullshit impostor out there called Scary Skeletons, but they are bullshit. The candy isn't as hard and goes all powdery pretty quick. Fuck Scary Skeletons.

So, what is Mr. Bones? It's basically a crummy plastic coffin filled with various colored pez-like bones that you assemble to make...yup, Mr. Bones. But it was tough to assemble the fucker. You either were missing a precious bone, had three heads, or got a few busted bones bits which ended up being quite necessary. So you had to trade with your friends, but your friends are all dicks and generally withheld the precious finishing pieces and you just ate the shit bit by bit anyways because it's near impossible to just stare at candy when you're 10. As to gettin' a complete Mr. Bones all in one color? That's the stuff of legend. I heard some rich kid in the next neighborhood had one once, but it was probably bullshit.

Mr. Bones rules. Here's to you Fleer candy!


WPSTGAMITBOYPAMATOGCSTS: Now, the shit candy of the day. I don't even know what to call them. It took 10 minutes of various internet searches to even pull them up. For such hateful little things that are so hard to find, it sure seems like they always ended up in my haul. Always. Let's call them waxy-peanuty-shits that get all melty in the bottom of your pillowcase and make all the other good candies suffer their stink. Or WPSTGAMITBOYPAMATOGCSTS.

You knew from the second you set your eyes on that black or orange waxy lump of ass, that this stuff was no damn good. Hell, even the parents would toss 'em away because they were uber-suspect to tampering. Peanut buttery in nature, but gooey and mostly stuck tot he wrapper, these things sucked. They might have been the bomb in 1920, today, not so much. So, a hearty FUCK YOU to home owners who continue to perpetuate the existence of these worthless garbage candies by purchasing and distributing such crap.

IF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO GIVE THIS SHIT OUT TO KIDS: Fuck you. Instead of spending that whopping 2 bucks for 50 lbs of this crap, you should instead lay the 2 dollars on the ground and piss on it. Then, shutter your house, turn out your lights, and be that douche bag house on the street. You know, the one that isn't answering the door and will be missing lawn ornaments in the morning because you hate Halloween and are not paying the yearly Halloween tax which keeps your house on the "good list" in the minds of the neighborhood kids - thus protecting you investment from eggy transgressions during the night of October 30th.

10 comments:

Contrite Cohen said...

Mea culpa. Harness this: Vote Wez for Congress.

readwright said...

The evil candy tasted like chemicals. Too many preservatives, perhaps?

I buy awesome candy but no kids ever knock on my door. I'm not on the main road. But I still manage to get rid of the candy by inviting certain friends over and letting them raid the bucket. I'll try and get some Mr. Bones for next year.

ty said...

Hahaha. My parents used to always tell me to throw out those black and orange shit bricks as well. I was always glad, cause they totally sucked anyways.

There used to be some old ladies around my house that would fill little paper bags with those things. But also in the bags were pennies. I was never quite sure if she was paying me off for taking the things from her, or if she was giving me ammo to chuck back at her house.

I should try to find Mr. Bones in the next week.

Ack Ack Ack said...

Best of luck on the Mr. Bones front. His shit is MIA. Look for rants on pennies and such in the coming days.

Stuart Spengler said...

Along the same lines of the Lord of the Flies rampage upon any unobserved candy jar, said unobserved candy jar was always good for leaving the shitty candy. If we weren't already hopped up on sugar, we'd try to swing by to see how following Idahoan trick or treat savages responded.

Ack Ack Ack said...

Stu, I'm really into your use of Idahoan.

TOMORROW: BIRTHDARRITTO!

Stuart Spengler said...

How about some Birthdachos?

Though thinking about Go-go's 'crotch fruit' makes me physically ill...

Wordo said...

Don't forget WPSTGAMITBOYPAMATOGCSTS's cousin, Bit-O-Honey. Same shitty properties, but better marketing. I've never trusted bees since.

Beezer said...

Bit o honey rocks. As do Mr. Bones. Just be glad you can get good Halloween Candy instead of the crap they do here. At least Cadbury makes snacksize.

I MISS HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET ME HOME SOON!!!!!!!!!!!

Ack Ack Ack said...

Trust the bees Wordo. It's not their fault humans turn their precious gift into nightmare.

The V-fam will be back for the next pagan celebration. So the Beeze will get to have a proper Halloween experience.