Wednesday, October 8, 2008

SO IT'S COME TO THIS or NO AMOUNT OF BOOZE HELPS or MR . TOM BROKAW, PLEASE TO BE SITTING THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT YOUR NEWSIE PIE HOLE

Round two of the excitement and thrills as 2 dudes who hate each other go at it for the betterment of the nation! Yeeeeeeeeeeah! Ice the ponies of High Life!

First Problem: Which channel to watch it on. So, Fox News had the candidates double mic'd. It was all weird sounding as their voice faded in and out between pauses. PBS was all wavy and snowy because my cable sucks. I can't find the damn olde tyme channels (3,6,10). CNN had the fun-o-meter (people with friggin' dials to register their joy or disgust as the talking went on and on) and the sound was right, so I went there. The meter turned out to be quite entertaining. It would make for a good "flatline" screen capture to prove that McCain is in fact, already dead.

Second Problem: Moderators so get in the way. Of everything. Again. Poor Tom Brokaw, (I mean who the fuck does he think he is anyway?) tried to remind the guys that they had a time limit and that there were rules agreed upon ahead of time so that many topics could be covered and everyone got fair time share. He tried several times to keep them on point. He tried to mention the lights (which McCain prolly can't even see, thus the "Just wave your hand at me when time is up." comment), he interrupted their ramblings, he tried being jokey, and finally he just gave the hell up.

Third Problem: Pesky, pesky, questions. By my count Obama answered/nailed 2ish questions. McCain answered/nailed one. Good job. There had to be about 10 of them. By my grading scale, they both get held back a grade. Seriously. I spent most of this stupid program yelling either "Answer the fucking question!", "Booooo!", "More Ponies!", or Shut up! Times up bitch!". These debates are a fucking circus event of non-information. I'm voting for the Sharpie. (which was once more audible. and on that note weren't they supposed to not be writing stuff down in this folksy town hall free for all format?)
Fourth Problem: I could not get drunk enough, fast enough. I really tried. I even mixed in real beers between ponies of High Life. And when they both kept going back to finger pointing and character attcks, I was besides myself with rage. Especially after the "Hey since your fucked up parties got us into this economic mess by bickering, what are you going to do to make us trust you again?" question. Fuck. Really? By acting like children? Win.

Fifth Problem: "That one." [points at Obama in a sidelong manner] Holy shit. Just keep it civil and call him a chocolate face already. Jeeze. And do you remember those little Tomy Robots you'd get at Radio Shack in 1985 where you'd stick a few AAs in that bad boy and it would bump into walls, turn, and bump into a new wall until you smashed it to pieces out of a mixture of sheer boredom and overpowering pity? McCain is that robot. He shuffled to a fro like the lil' Tomy Dingbot, Sharpie in hand, as he blathered on and on about nothing in particular. The dude looked ooooooooooooooooooooooooooold.

Fail: Both candidates and thus, the nation. I have little hope left. Especially after waking up to people on the CSPAN radio show calling in and continuing to reference Obama as a Muslim and terrorist, along with the racists who have nothing better to do at 6AM. Fuck. I quit.

Ultimate Fail: The atrocity I left in the ol' Thunder Bucket this morning, thanks to the "Champagne of Beer". Or, if you'd prefer, its lesser known moniker "Man Juice". (Not shittin' you.)

6 comments:

crazed cohen said...

Ponies - this commercial says it all:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjlvGAt1CDk

As a note, when we both stood up and shouted at the tv - "If Iran attacks Israel they'll be a glass sheet!" was a high point. Who came up with that question? It's stupid on multiple levels. Iran could only attack Israel on Saturday. Everyone knows that.

crazed cohen said...

Stay off the Man Juice:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aS6VFtieYsA

Chris Horse said...

Wow, please videotape your viewing parties as they sound vastly more entertaining and informative then the debates themselves.

We're talking YouTube gold here!

Ty/Curren '08 for a drunker, more insane America.

Goat said...

I remember a happier and simpler time, when voting was for chumps.

Stuart Spengler said...

Voting is for chumps, especially with this election.

GO TEAM ELECTORAL COLLEGE!!!

Wordo said...

I ain't got time to debate or vote.

Too busy sharpening sticks in preparation for class war, just like Arnie taught us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfMKCvBiOzk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kie8t5nolWg