HALLOWEEN SUPER SPECTACULAR #1! (SEE HOW I RESISTED THE URGE TO USE SPOOKTACULAR? IT'S CALLED STANDARDS PEOPLE.)

In the spirit of the single greatest, most ridiculous holiday on the US calendar, I'm gonna take a look at the best and shittiest Halloween candy a kid (ie, me a billion years ago) could get. One a day, along with helpful suggestions for folks intent on ruining childhood memories.

OK, let's begin with probably greatest abomination to the candy world....

NECCO WAFERS. If I wanted to eat flavored-ish chalk in an olde tyme wax paper format, I'd fire up my time machine, pack up a handful of sugar packets, go to a quarry in 1820, destroy my time machine (I've already brutally wasted it's potential) then die a horrible candy fueled intestinal mineral death. These things blow. Here's a fun fact from the NECCO website:

"The U.S. Government requisitioned a major portion of the production of NECCO Wafers during World War II. The candy doesn’t melt and is practically indestructible during transit, making it perfect for shipping overseas to the troops."

Sounds delicious. I especially loathe the "chocolate" flavored ones. My throat swells at the thought of them. And luckily, you can buy a whole roll of delicious dark dusty pain in pure faux chocolate form. Booyah! Thanks Oliver Chase and Silas Edwin! Try harder next time.

IF YOU'RE STUPID ENOUGH TO GIVE THEM OUT THIS YEAR: Expect retaliation. These things are pretty hard. So expect a hail of them to chip the paint on your car, injure your cat, put out an eye, clog your sewers, and serve as the medium for swastikas to be drawn on your driveway/house.

On the better side of things: Reese's Fucking Peanut Butter Cups. These things were the single most sought after item in my quest for sugar charged Halloween nirvana. I remember one year our group encountered some goon who left a big ass bowl of them on his porch, all alone with the note "Please take only one." We just sorta looked at each other, then shit went down like Lord of the Flies. 5-6 of the precious candies were crushed in the ensuing wrestling match. We walked off with at least 10 to a person. I don't remember the rest of the evening, I was wasted on chocolate and peanut butter.

Thank you Harry Burnett Reese. You rule. I'm not sure where all this peanut allergy bullshit came from, but I'm sure you could conquer it with enough of your delicious candies.