SWINGIN' MENNONITES

Yes, yes. Intercouse, PA. It's hilarious on a 4th grade level. (Hee. Hee. Intercourse.) But hear me out. Whilst at a horribly beardy historical nerd gaming convention located directly across the street from fantabulous DUTCH WONDERLAND, I stopped off at a Wawa. As I chewed on my tasty sandwich, I spied a freebie newspaper bin. Seeing as I was degenerating on the curb for lunch with no one ta' talk to, I picked up the freebie paper. I nearly choked when I actually looked at it. The front page is just pure comedy gold/unfortunate placement of words. Besides the whole Intercourse News thing. "Lancaster county is about families doing things together." Sweet. I think my favorite bit is the excitable COUPONS! COUPONS! text in the corner. The calibration is off, the design is slap dash, and the ghost of white space rules the day. It's a true piece of free (as in cost) journalism.

QUAD LASER < QUAD GUITAR

Every now and then this extra special crazy person I know sends something in one of his email barrages that's actually worth checking out. Keep in mind that there's normally about 72 emails to go through from said nutter on a daily basis. It's nice to get mail. Anyway, here it is. Watch yer volume. Nitro has this dude in it that can play guitar stupid fast. The rest of them kinda suck in a Poison way, but he simply ends skulls. Stay with it for at least 12 seconds so you can witness the exploding guitar that reforms itself into the ultimate object of facemeltery. After that you can go - though you probably won't be able to very easily because your eyes will have exploded.

HEY WILLIE, FIRE UP THAT CRACK PIPE

Continuing the ALF kick and fulfilling a request from my dedicated readership, below you'll find an link to the one and only issue of The Inquirer I've ever bought. I still have it tucked away somewheres, though I figure the cheap paper it was printed on has since disintegrated. It's the wonderful tale of TV's lovable Willie from the super mega hit show ALF, smoking some crack, then smoking some pole. This shoulda been run in Time Magazine, it's that titanic. GO HERE NOW!

ZIET FUR ALF! or TODAY'S USELESS YOUTUBE FIND

There's nothing not funny about ALF speaking German. YouTube is littered with clips of ALF in German. I'll add this to my growing list of stuff that I know Germans love: Hasselhoff, Bacon Beer, 7.5 cm KwK 42 L/70's, and now ALF. Though, now that I reflect on it, I've known this for years. It's only just now that I feel comfortable with it.

ROBOT KID EATS DELICIOUS STEAK, LOSES

Do robots dream? After a fine meal of steak and potatoes and booze Ricky was feeling awfully full. Major bloat was setting in as the mounds of meat within began to cloud his vision. When threatened with a fork, normally a sure fire fear trigger, he seemed unable to defend himself. Disoriented, we manged to guide him to the hotel and a couch.

As you can see, the meats have won.

THE IPOD TOUCH HAS ALREADY PAID FOR ITSELF TWICE or SEARCH RESULTS FOR "GIANT FIFTIES"

Free booze from 5:30-7:30 each night in the hotel? How's this a good idea? Anyways Wifi was working and a single google image search rendered hi-larious results.

CORSPE CLEANUP AT TABLE THREE

This poor gamer tried to extended his life via 14 gallons of Mountain Dew mixed with Atomic Warhead candies in order to make it through the grueling 539 levels of the legendary dungeon tower of perilous stairways. He perished though. Somewhere around the 278th level the DM noted he wasn't breathing in his standard mouth breather wheezy wheeze - but curiously most die rolls were still being made as part of a powerful natural reflex which the body would not forget in death. It's sad, because as you can see, he used his final reserves of energy to try and call in a Red Bull and donut delivery. Nearly made it, but the phone got caught in the velcro holster. With nothing left and gangrene setting in, it was the end of the road for this dude. Epic. Fail.

SAUSAGE HUNTING RAPE LION AND FRIENDS

This thing was promoting something or other, but I didn't trust it. Look at how its googly eyes are fixed upon Cohen's crotch. And the flannel shirt. And the suspenders.

There was also a big muppet monster wandering about. Dan made friends with this one. The monster thing appears to be a less rape oriented, yet hairy critter.

3,2,1 - ALONE

ONE: Murphy starts drinking Jack and Cokes for hours and hours beginning at 2PM. Then he takes his trusty glass from the bar to the Warmachine tournament that starts at 9PM or so and runs until 1AM. Not an unusual thing for the man. He likes tumblers. See how happy he is?

TWO: After a pair of games, you can clearly see how awesome he's doing. Since Jack Daniels doesn't judge you, your sportsmanship, or painting ability, a plan begins to form in the man's alcohol addled brain.

THREE: Murph leaves the tournament calling it bullshit or something, leaving Shaffer to finish the tournament into the wee hours of the morning all alone. Shown here is Lobot, who watched for a bit and then also left Shaff to his fate. Johnny's a trooper.

AROOOOOOOO! WOLFMAN! BOB EVANS!

OK, it begins. Crappily shot photos and words from Gencon '08.

Seriously. After no sleep and driving a buncha hours through the night, having a rubbery wolfman dance on he dashboard whilst Lobot voices "Arooooooooooooooooo!" is fucking funny. It hurt. Almost as much as Murphy calling me a fag for ordering yogurt at the Bob Evans shitty breakfast place. Then the lady dumped OJ on Dan. They put us in the special corner, far, far away from everyone else in the shithole.

GET IN THE HAIR VAN

That's right, all CAPS from now on in titles. Only shouting will do. So, this is old and stuff, but amusing none the less for any Flag fans out there. It was compiled by some goon with extra time on their hands. The hairdos of Black Flag as time passed and members rotated in and out. Robo has by far the most stylish dome of the bunch, do you not agree?

For the next few days expect only updates concerning D&D, Fat Flash, Indianapolis terror, alley dice games, and drunken Murphy.

Still angry, after all these years.

This'll really only make sense to a few folks out there, but that will just make your secret knowledge all the richer. In any case I received yesterday, a textbook bit of rant from my favorite master of Kempo. No, not that Jeff Speakman guy. I present an unabridged paragraph entitled (his title) "Angry White Male rants from a clown in a dolphins hat that I used to live with in college".

"i spend a lot of time bass fishing the pond near my house. i bought a new reel simply because it is called the escalade. i wanted something fancy to match my neighbors. most of them work at places like autozone but drive bmw's, benzes and caddillacs. i cant afford a four wheeled escalade, but the reel has 11 bearings and a nifty design. you have to love the interest only arm loan. that is how people buy houses for $300 a month and lease a luxury vehicle when they make min wage......and live with shlubs like me who have a 6 figure income and a 30 year mortgage on a now worthless house. why worthless? this place looks like a mix of a trailer park and south central la. nothing says class like a primered old bmw parked on a man's lawn. now the government is going to bail out fannie mae and freddie mac so these people can turn their $300 interest payment into a real loan. good use of my tax dollars. why did i vote republican? oh yeah, that is right. they are about low taxes and good economy. now i feel better."

Really, he's harmless. So long as you're not some old dude in a pool. A free sock full of ass-pennies for the correct guess as to our mystery writer's identity.

Fleshy ball with eyes and mouth

Saw this thing on the news the other day and got stoked. Go local-ish news! Someone final beat CNN to a real story. Prolly because CNN was busy pursing this hamdinger. Anyways, head here to learn more about this fine NJ inhabitant.

I shouldn't be allowed to touch stuff.

Continuing the fun and skin related injury, here's a montage of this summer's burns. 1st is my stupid arm burn from picking up the lawn mower in order to drag it up some steps (longish story). I got a fresh picture of the burn like 30 minutes afterwards, then another where deliciously pale new skin is starting to grow in. Yummy. It's a nice scar now.
After that I managed to burn the hell out of my wrist on my painting lamp. The lamp calls for a 60 watt bulb and I have a 120 in there. So, I burned myself painting really lame Star Trek ships. I'm awesome. Ok, that's all the injuries I have for right now, but fear not! I have health insurance (ha ha Razorfish hat) now, so there's bound to be more blood.

Mosquitoes Out To Get Me

So yeah. I'm in the garden for like an hour ripping out dead Zucchini and such (curse you Borer Beetle) and I'm itchy and I know there's mosquiotes and all, but damn. After I took my shower, my body was a roadmap of bloodsuckery. I looked like a damn leper. And I was itchy for hours.


These bastard mosquitoes are some sorta critter from Asia that got here in friggin' used tires. Great. They're evil. And persistent. I go out back to check into my Kabocha for like 2 minutes, and I'm bitten all to shit. Another time, I go back to rinse something off with the hose and they follow me into the car so they can drain my precious blood while I drive. Maybe it's all the garlic I eat. Anyways, enjoy the photos documenting my pain. More to come, because mainly, I'm a danger to myself..