WHICH NES PRO WRESTLER ARE YOU? I PREFER THE FACE CHEWING KIND. AND FISHMEN.

I pretty much picked The Amazon every time. It's part of my attraction to non-human characters in fighting/wresting type games. They're just more fun. Plus he pretty much chewed on peoples faces when you activated the dreaded Pirahna Bite special move. Star man is a close second. He's from space. Or Mexico. Sorta the same I guess.

Pretty dope NES game overall. For '86

Here's Seanbaby's take on it from a million years ago.

BRITISH CHILDREN CAN'T GET ENOUGH DELICIOUS BALLS AND TWANGERS

Really, this one speaks for itself.

FUCK YOU FREEDOM FRIES! SUCK ON SOME FREEDOM OF CHOICE DOG NUTS!

From the "How to go out your way to make a big pile of something out of absolutely nothing." Department comes this insane-o-vision statement via the American Life League (ALL). They're sorta like the Justice League of America, but with less Batman and Chief Thunder. Actually if Aquaman or Gleek were to run the JLA it would end up as crazy as this place. ALL issued a statement in response to the hidden insideous intent of free donuts provided by Krispy Kreme on the 20th. OK their priceless statement:

CRAZOBORTION PEEPS OUT OF IDEAS

C'mon. Try harder. Dicks.

If you're gonna mince every fucking syllable, then I'd like to personally issue a statement on their wonderful clothing line, particularly how these free thinking folk drag the Holocaust through the mud on a fucking T-shirt here. And as an HTML type person this wonderfully clever button. If it were that easy, I'd / so many fucktards, traffic and money would be a thing of the past. So here's my statement:

"Dear, American Life League, you can ALL get fucked."

See, I can do it too.

I dug the Urban Legends section as well. But the store is full of gems.

Such as this super duper witty get up for toddlers. Might well make shirts for everyone on the planet that claim "Former Ejaculatory Mass" or "I'm sorry for destroying my Mom's Vag".

Or this soul stealin' bumper sticker. I mean I walk by a Planned Parenthood every day. My soul must be fucking dust by now. It's like an evil ipod ad.

But what I really wanna do is rent this fun film. Maybe over a big bowl of oatmeal. The digitized fetus scream? Seriously?

I hate the internet.

NAMOR IS A JERK

And that's why I like him. Because Tony Stark is an ass and Namor makes no bones about tellin' it like it is. And he can breath underwater, fly, and punch whales, and he hits on Sue Storm in front of Reed Richards, and can call forth titanic sea beasts with a horn, and once grew a beard.

From: New Avengers: Illuminati

(Hopefully I'll be inspired in the future to put up more panels from comics that make me laugh or whatever. There are many. They should be shared.)

3D EYESPLOSHUN

I went to go see that thar 3D movie with the pickaxe madman at a special (in that it was a whopping day ahead of release) late night screening. I was stoked to see a 3D horror movie 'cause I missed the whole 3D craze. Which makes me sad. I did see a cut of "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" in 3D, but it was way budget and hard to watch as the greeny grey fuzzy print was hard to focus on.


I'm not sure what Valentine's Day has to do with this new movie, besides ripped out human hearts in heart shaped boxes, but it was a good time. It should be called 101 minutes of pickaxes tot he face. If you're into stupid plots and piles of butchered folks, you're probably already in line. The 3D stuff was well done and easy to watch. Body parts chopped up by pick axes, bushes, branches, arms, midgets, and hurled pick axes all jumped from the screen nicely. DEADLY BRANCHES! Plot, not so much. Acting, not so much. A pair of old dudes delivered their lines so comically (one pictured above), it elevated the acting to stellar. They were amazing and i was bummed when they each ate it.


I also figured I'd share the warning label from the glasses I was given. Beware. Sun-lazers straight through your brain. My brain!

Also, it looks like some folks found the poll and I will be having the chicken salad sandwich...

NOW I'M A SINGSTAR TOO

My fastidious mutant mangoat field reporter brought this crime against humankind to my attention earlier today, and I haven't been able to stop crying for hours. My eardrums have since ruptured and my eyes still display phantoms where there should be nothing. It is my theory that one of the seven Ogdru Jahad have finally managed to escape from their cosmic prisons. It's all I can think of.

The dilly: Microsoft made this sweet infomercial thing for this casio-tastic program called Songsmith. You sing at your computer and then it slaps a sweet midi-rific shit beat to your face words and presto - you are a top shelf singstar pro extraordinare. You can tweak it with sliders and dials and what have you to make it even betterest.

The commercial is of amazingly low standards and a fucking musical ta boot, which equals awesome. Plus, the blatant use of a Macbook Pro is nice. And the photo of the dude above is actually from this piece of nightmareterrorcommericalizationhellathon. Check it below.



Since the actual commercial isn't funny enough on its own (Glow in the dark towel song? That fucking Asian lady boss?), someone made a parody of what I have already come to view (for sanity's sake) to be a parody in the first place. This one is pretty heavy on the abuse of gays, but it's funny stuff without being too offensive. Quality kicks in when "Punjabi" get thrown around..



Finally, this guy showcases how superrrrrrrific this shit can be if only there were a little more cowbell. I mean, how doesn't the cowbell make ANY song better? I'm looking at you Mr. Canty.

I GROW...FATIGUED

Sad but true. Interstellar superhuman, fantasy island hopper, friend to all midgets, and Kirk lover extreme Ricardo Montalban has gone into his own version of the SS Botany Bay for good. Check his unfadeable style with bitches in the video below. He will be missed.

ROCK, FLAG, AND EAGLE! AND KAIJU?

Whilst incessantly searching for stupid Banpresto 14" Ultraman crane prize crap, I hit this nightmare page of internet horror. I know I've stumbled upon it before during some other kaiju related madness internet search and most certainly it's awesomeness simply wiped its existence from my memory. But now... I. Can't. Forget. Welcome to the wonderland that is:

MONSTERLANDTOYS

Website 101 fail times a thousand scavenger hunt checklist:
Gigantic graphic about one page scroll in length. - Check
15 Font colors on page - Check
Animated gif - Checkaroo
Image link borders on - Check
Sized images via browser - Win
Amazing Link page with little to do with business - Oh shit yes

America in your face - Check

More Jesus than Kaiju - Check
Kentucky - Check
Single mega page of doom layout - Affirmative
Navigation that changes magically at bottom of each page - Yuppers





Tables from hell - Check
Bon Jovi - Yeah
Pictures of your children holding merch - Checkers

Super jaggy images - Check

Sweet merciful internet, please take this server and business away from this reject. Suck it into the internetz black hoelz and make it die.

Clicking on the "Movies" page alone is like sending your browser to Dutch Wonderland. Which is easily the equivalent of strapping yourself to a bed and having Tiger Woods wail on your junk with a 1 Wood for a good hour and a half. For the ladies, I guess it's like strapping yourself spread eagled to a car hood and having Evil Knievel's reanimated corpse drive you through a corn field while simultaneously rocking an hour long mammogram performed by "Nurse Crushatron". It's just plain torture.

How do these folks stay open? Why can't a sane person run these places? Why must everything be so hard?

It's just plain craziness. What are they selling? How did Ben Stein get mixed in there? Jesus, Godzilla, 9-11, Ultraman, Prayer, gun ownership? I just wanted some vinyl toys. Remind me before I set off to G-Fest this year (no, not that G-Fest) to eat a sizable plate of Asparagus and piss on this fucktards booth. I mean Charlie Daniels? I wasn't expecting that kinda shit on a Godzilla site. Ugh.

GOOGLE IMAGE FAIL. ART WINZ.

Google the following: News Icon

Good times.

HELP, MY EYES: EMAIL WIN OF THE DAY.