Saturday, January 10, 2009


Whilst incessantly searching for stupid Banpresto 14" Ultraman crane prize crap, I hit this nightmare page of internet horror. I know I've stumbled upon it before during some other kaiju related madness internet search and most certainly it's awesomeness simply wiped its existence from my memory. But now... I. Can't. Forget. Welcome to the wonderland that is:

Website 101 fail times a thousand scavenger hunt checklist:
Gigantic graphic about one page scroll in length. - Check
15 Font colors on page - Check
Animated gif - Checkaroo
Image link borders on - Check
Sized images via browser - Win
Amazing Link page with little to do with business - Oh shit yes

America in your face - Check

More Jesus than Kaiju - Check
Kentucky - Check
Single mega page of doom layout - Affirmative
Navigation that changes magically at bottom of each page - Yuppers

Tables from hell - Check
Bon Jovi - Yeah
Pictures of your children holding merch - Checkers

Super jaggy images - Check

Sweet merciful internet, please take this server and business away from this reject. Suck it into the internetz black hoelz and make it die.

Clicking on the "Movies" page alone is like sending your browser to Dutch Wonderland. Which is easily the equivalent of strapping yourself to a bed and having Tiger Woods wail on your junk with a 1 Wood for a good hour and a half. For the ladies, I guess it's like strapping yourself spread eagled to a car hood and having Evil Knievel's reanimated corpse drive you through a corn field while simultaneously rocking an hour long mammogram performed by "Nurse Crushatron". It's just plain torture.

How do these folks stay open? Why can't a sane person run these places? Why must everything be so hard?

It's just plain craziness. What are they selling? How did Ben Stein get mixed in there? Jesus, Godzilla, 9-11, Ultraman, Prayer, gun ownership? I just wanted some vinyl toys. Remind me before I set off to G-Fest this year (no, not that G-Fest) to eat a sizable plate of Asparagus and piss on this fucktards booth. I mean Charlie Daniels? I wasn't expecting that kinda shit on a Godzilla site. Ugh.


Fiend Without A Face said...

I am surprised the iPhone could hang with that shit, though how complex could a 1995 Geocities-lookin' site be?

I think somebody needs to make them a nice 9-11 Godzilla image. That would probably break their little redneck minds.

Ugh, I almost don't want to explore it further, but where is this giant sack of intarweb fail from?

Ack Ack Ack said...

I almost feel sorry for your iphone. But then I look at my inferior touchpod, and don't.

Failmasterwebbs is based in Kentucky.

Jessica said...

flagrant apostrophe abuse... check.

Anonymous said...

People's who do'nt know how to use apostrophe's are dumb.


rick smith said...

I still don't know how to use apostrophes. I didn't even know how to SPELL apostrophes and had to copy what was written before my post to make sure I had it right. Does a plural "Apostrophe" actually get an apostrophe?!?

I suppose that I am dumb.

katherine said...

Dutch Wonderland never caused me to emit any audible groans. I'd rather ride the Sky Princess than click on that link again.

Anonymous said...

Well, I' gonna go on the assumption that my buddy Rick is not being sarcastic and throw some hard earned knowledge your way.

An apostrophe is used to indicate ownership, not plurals. As in "Rick Smith's drawings are rad." But not in, "There are not many Rick Smiths in this porno." Of course, an apostrophe is also used in contractions. As in "Rick isn't coming to the orgy."

A tricky one is "It's" vs "Its"
"It's" is used to mean "It is" or "It has". "Its" is a possessive pronoun and would be used in a sentence such as "That crazy website needs to get its shit together before my head explodes from looking at it."

rick smith said...

I would ALWAYS make it to an orgy.

I guess I'm smarter than I thought I was, because all of what you said made sense. I think.

rick smith said...

PS - I like the american flag with the sun's rays streaming through forming a nice crucifix. America + Jesus x Godzilla = facemelt.

rick smith said...

PPS - I think I used my apostrophe right there...sweet!

Ty said...

Shit man, does that mean you're heading back my way this summer???

Murphy said...

Come on Cairo, even Murphy knows that Jesus loves the "monster from the black lagoon" for christ sake.

And is that wolfman from the Gencon voyage standing next to him?!?!!?

Ack Ack Ack said...

Chicago, yes. Looking like it.

I'm sure I fucked up an apo in there somewheres. It's and its always stall my brain. And the words must flow! Sometimes at the expense of apostrophes.

Murph, I believe the wolfman from Gencon is in a gutter somewhere, right now.

And The Creature was around since way before Jesus. They were boys. Taught JC how to crush out a mean butterfly stroke.

Booyah! said...

I need that gun shirt.