Friday, January 14, 2011


Saw this in the aisle chaos scatter at a Toys R Us the day before xmas. A 2 pack of stink for most kids since one is way superior than the other. You get all jazzed to see Merman poking out of the wrapping paper and hope that maybe the other figure is Man E Faces or Ram Man or something - but then recoil in horror to find Aquadouche. (tangent: how did Optimus Prime end up pimping He-Man in those commercials?)

But some kids might choose wrong. Perhaps this special packaging is sorta like the Daigoro sword or toy test from Lone Wolf and Cub. Helps weed out the chaff. Except today we're not baby killin' barbarians, so instead the Aquaman choosin' kid just gets their hand cut off and is allowed to live in shame. Because Merman is totally awesome. Check out his stylish sea vest and aqua-cummerbund!


Chris Horse said...

Cross licensing is a bitch.

Further proof, however, that Aquaman is truly useless that he is reduced to fighting He-man villains.


Poor bastard can't even drown himself from the shame.

Murphy said...

Fuck! I so want this...

Anonymous said...

Merman, though the douche of He-Man's villainous yang, (not unlike Starscream to Optimus Pussy Galore). Yeah, you heard me. There is no end to that sentence. It's all turtles, bitch. Turtles all the way down.

Turtles until otherwise told.

Where was I? Merman at least beats fuzzy faux-velvet Moss Man. That dude should be happy providing scent to the rear view mirror of a Nissan Sentra. He should have a Sunday night radio show about sadness and the things he's witnessed in alleyways behind 7-11's.

Aquaman, hunh? It's like seeing your third and fourth grade teachers fighting in the middle pool. Not the big pool. The middle pool. They have inflatable weapons and a whistle for time-outs. They tell you that Tom Selleck can hold his breath longer than Alex Trebek and then they teach you how to write cursive.


Thank friggin' Jehosephat that I can write cursive. My once-a-year checkbook is melting with lustful thrusting for this archaic artform. I can't wait for the great Gummy Cousins to come back and smile like our dear friend, Felicity Jizzlips, to discover cursive writing on paper-born placards for the sake of antiquated Selleck-Trebek lovers at the...where do I send these checks anyways?!

I shredded 200 checks the other day just for this reason. Reason being equals English tells you that I won't be alive for 200 more years.

Kurzweil can eat a fatty -- It's just not happening.

Anyways. I think the Kraken would destroy both these wankers with a flick of the wrist...YES...the irony is real. Real and palpable like a palmable pummeling of wank and wrist.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do now. I think I'll walk around and sneer at the cold dark suburbia that surrounds me. Nay! i will Sneer through it!!

Come to me grammar!! We will SLAY!! and sneeeeeeeeeeer...with exclamatory offense and castigatory adjudication!! For Mer and Aquaman are but mirrors of wavy feyness and the tide she is but low. Let the skittering cursive of hermitcrabs and crawdads write short the history of the weak and rightfully forgotten. The third and fourth grades are for middle pools and Buxton bath fantasies.

Yea, for the Pee Wee hath fought. And the Truth hath been told.

If only for Krakenth, our future be bold.

Long live...

The Kraken.