Saturday, January 29, 2011


Watched a terrible film the other evening with some friends, mostly because of the descriptive text and the inclusion of a small Colorado town:

After punks at school hand him a savage beating, gay teen McClain Evans (Michael O'Laskey II) secretly begins martial arts training with Karen O'Neil (director Diana Lee Inosanto), a woman who has her own axe to grind with the narrow-minded rural community. But as Evans learns to stand up to prejudice and hate, the boy and his sensei unleash a firestorm of controversy in their small Colorado town.

So I figured it'd be a goofy karate kid type thing with a gay teen angle and full of bad music and high school stereotypes. Well it went into darker AIDS fear fueled territory for the most part, and pretty quick. But the over the top-ness of the family that I guess lived stuffed in a church basement, the Ramones-esque main character, actually decent karate, and the ridiculous school bullies helped ease the pain. As did the most excellent acting.

But most of all the whiteman version of Tim Meadows made it sing. Couldn't get it out of my head once it was pointed out by Mr. Sandwich. Also, despite the box cover, there were no sword fights or climactic showdows. Not enough lasers either. I wanted lasers.


Anonymous said...

Where I live, the future, bacon is flash-crispified by lasers mounted to my grundle. Because the ears, waddle and lower back had already been used for wireless communications devices and ports for 'jacking' into gamepods, the grundle was the next piece of seldom-used real estate for lasers.

The laser points directly down and reaches maximal power at about 1.5 inches, making such phrases as "squat until crispy" common in our future lingo. Also common, though edgier, is 'to pop a pig.' This phrase, born out of 'to pop a squat,' refers to the quick squatting maneouvre used to flash fry a strip of bacon.

A few years ago, though still in your own future, the cossack dance of 2/4 tempo squat dancing was revived by sidewalk short order cooks. I fondly remember quickening my pace towards the school bus stop in the morning in eager anticipation of 'sizzle and scroatmeal.'

We generally had a regular 'squatter' prepare our meals; but in the Winter of one year in your future we had a squatter named 'Sparky.' Sparky was an invalid -- He had been an Olympic medal-winning pommelhorser who gave his legs to science and lived on the resultant income. He didn't need to work another day in his life but he chose to make kids happy with his quick-flipping hand walk squat. Though, that wasn't all; Sparky came accompanied by a well-trained Bengal she-cat named 'Scooch.'

Scooch widened our eyes and filled us with wonder (and great bacon!) as Sparky would line-up a series of conjoined bacon strips and she would scoot along in her inimitable fashion.

'Scooch-fried bacon' was sometimes the lone reason for waking-up and trudging through the snow to wait for the school bus in the dark. The glow and refraction of green lasers across the snow accompanied by the pop and sizzle of crispy bacon strips emitting from Scooch's mobile perch brought tears of awe to most of eyes. By the end of that winter, our bus stop required 3 buses to accommodate Scooch's fans, some of whom were private school kids and commuters who would file onto the bus to see Scooch fry-up the last line of bacon strips in the aisle of the bus as it drove to school.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, Scooch's tail caught fire and she had to retire. Though, she herself was a savvy entrepreneuse. She and Sparky started a menagerie of mobile squatters. "Spoochy's Hot Spots" popped-up all over the city and soon franchised to other cities. But, Sparky and Scooch always remembered that winter at our suburban school bus stop.

Every week, they sent a different animal to laser-fry our bacon and contact-heat our scroatmeal. Each of us had our favorite animals; though my favorite was surely 'G- Rodge,' the Galapagos Tortoise.

He was slower than most, but he was thorough and provided a more balanced squat, even for up to a dozen-wide strips of bacon...and he always looked us in the eyes and smiled that big horny smile of his.

God bless him.

As a footnote, Roger had some substance abuse issues while overcoming depression from a lack of migratory casual sex. He was charged with underage cross-species fornicatory intent and sentenced to life in a correctional facility. Though, for years he continued squatting in his prison cafeteria; and, given his lifespan, he is probably out of prison and happily squatting for patrons again, always with that twinkle in his eyes.

Anyways, those are a few of the characters that got me into 'pig popping.' There were others that tried to market similar products, from Mr. P's "Grundle Wave" to Martha Pooblart's "Flavorgland," but none conjured the initial imagination, awe and beauty of waking-up before sunrise in the dead of winter to the scent, sound and sight of Sparky and Scooch squatting-up a storm of sizzlers and scroat.

I may have retired and 'moved-on' by the time you get to the future; but I hope you or your children will smile in reflective pride for the social history of grundle-mounted laser cooking.

God bless and may bacon be with you.

Ack Ack Ack said...

Wow, I feel like maybe you should be writing these blogs. Mmmmmmmm squat bacon.

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention that Jean-Choad Van Damme, the great grandson of your own actor-turned president of Belgium, reinvigorated the splits not only as a fighting tactic and dance move but also as a method for squatting while wearing tight pants.

He also brought back tight pants.

His comeback scene had him kick two high school bullies (played by non-child dwarf stuntmen) in the face while simultaneously reheating a bacon cheeseburger with his grundle beam...and taking a bite while winking at the camera.

His restaurant chain, 'Jean-Choad's' paid for the product placement.

Unfortunately, his Belgium-based restaurant chain, served squatters...with mayonnaise.

Murphy said...

My movie viewing this weekend was limited to Mega Python vs Gatoroids which was of course DOPE!

Carry on.

Chris Horse said...

This comments section wins the internets.

Ack Ack Ack said...

Seriously, that guy needs to write a novel.

jtabz said...

Seriously, that guy needs to write a novel.

This. This. This.