Monday, November 17, 2008

I PICK APART THE ALL NEW STAR TREK TRAILER IN THE LONGEST MOST SPINE TINGLING MOST PHOTO-RIFIC-TASTA-DUBIOUS POST OF 2008

OK, so a crummy YouTube verison of the new Star Trek trailer was out there over the weekend as it was bundled with the latest 007 movie. I missed out on that. But I checked out the bootleg version this morning. Then the HD version went up at a specified time (though their site blew up and said I still had to wait a day, hooray nerds!) for me to check out. The benefit is that you can go frame by frame and pick the bastard apart. So I did. Overall, I'm still totally stoked on the thing. But I fear for the direction my beloved Romulans are heading. But what do I know!

00:08 - Sweet Stingray with it's top up.


00:12 - Sweet Stingray with it's top magically down. Oops.


00:21 - Space shoes! To the max!


00:39 - Space Robot Cop. My favorite robot friend hopes that this is in fact a human with some sorta cyborg face mask. Otherwise, there goes the whole Data is the only sentient human made android thing.


00:58 1st instance of ship porn. Enterprise being built in drydock. Not sure how that works with low orbit type stuff, I didn't think these vessels could enter earth's atmosphere. Again, what do I know.


01:06 - Oh Wynonna. Givin' Sarek some sugar.


01:08 - Spock in his 1st day of school clothes/comfy Cosby sweater.


01:09 - Teleportation stuff goes round and round instead of up and down.
It's new damn it!


01:18 - USS Kelvin going in for it's beating vs some sorta weird organic looking ship.
(please, please, please, please don't be Romulan)


01:21 - Eric Bana as evil tattoo dude. He's Romulan. Hopefully he's some sorta splinter group or pirate Romulan. Because he's too biker tough for my taste. But, above him is a now familiar weird tentacle thing in that observation bubble. Which means the organic ship is probably his. Sadness in pants growing.


01:22 - It's nice to see that Under Armour made it to the future. Mmmm snug.


01:25 - Some super drill thing boring into a planet. Planet Vulcan?
The drill do-dah is awfully tentacle-like...


01:29 - This could be a Roumlan shippy thing.
Early Romulans were weird and had strange shit going on in the aft hull.
Like this whirly-gig critter.


01:30 - Kirk hides under Spock's bed during a surprise visit from Bones.


01:33 - Sulu is all sorts of pissed about Prop 8.
Here we see the continuation of the dirty biker Romulan theme.
Give this goon ridge plates and he's practically Klingon. Booooooo.


01:34 - More super drill stuff. Now it's on fire!
It's attached to some sorta sky rig as Bana prepares to stomp Kirk.


01:36 - It's official. Romulans are dirty leather bikers. Just like Klingons!
I can still hope that they are some sort of fringe group.


01:38 - Meet the guaranteed action figure! Roar! Scary!


01:39 - Another look at the organic tentacle ship messing up the Kelvin.


01:41 - Tentacled ship thing coming from/going to warp.
If it wasn't supposed to be Romulan I'd be more stoked.


01:41 - More tentaclular fun. A bit clearer.


01:45 - This last shot of the Kelvin shows a tiny green powered (Romulan) attack craft strafing the phaser pods and generally wrecking shit. From what I'm seeing, space combat is more about tiny attack craft swarms than cruisers going at it.

Overall: I have a boner. But, it is slightly deflated by the fact that they seem to have "reimagined" my favorite Star Trek race in a totally 180 fashion. These guys look like frigin' Klingons and have strange organic ships. I WANT FUCKING BIRDS OF PREY DAMN IT.

23 comments:

"The Devil" said...

In the words of Sulu, "Oh, my!" I hope Kirk gets his shirt ripped across his torso. Otherwise, it's just not a real fight (unless they have the Kirk chop and double-fisted back punch!).

readwright said...

The Romulans look very Mad Max, and not in a good way. Even the most recent Doctor Who went to the end of the universe/year 5 trillion and what did he find? Crazy-tattoo-biker-humanoids. Why do they do that shit? Create another race, or just use Klingons. I hate change for change's sake! And that teleportation shit is whack. I guess they could (lamely) say that was what teleportation looked like when Kirk and Co. were younger but still...No No No No No No No.

I'm still going to see it as soon as it comes out, of course.

Stuart Spengler said...

Yep.

Beezer said...

You're weird.

Jessica said...

Those still evoke bad 90s new metal for me.

Eric Bana's hot.

I see not Spock. Only Sylar.

That is all.

Murphy said...

Wow...I'm horrified.

Your post needs more Germans!

Curious Cohen said...

Could be dope. Could be less than dope. Won't be ass. "I have a boner." made me raff. My only question is who gets to say "hot wet bitches"?

Jessica said...

"those stills."
I meant "stills."

Damn workskills. Gone to hell.

Jessica said...

GAH!
I mean, wordskills.

Crumudgeonly Cohen said...

Are you drinking this early Jess? Not that you shouldn't be.

Chris Horse said...

If this movie doesn't have tits or copious amount of space battles with hordes of ships than it's to the discount Wal-mart DVD bin with this shizzle.

rick smith said...

Alright, for whoever didn't know it already know it (Ty, Curren...possibly Stu-Art) I'm an uber-Trek nerd. I wouldn't dare say Trekkie, because that would indicate that I would dress up like my favorite character, know Klingon or Vulcan fluently, and have all the TV shows and movies on DVD already.

That being said, here are my nits to pick:

00:08 and 00:12 - That just makes me laugh. Tee hee...OVERSIGHT!

00:21 - Those shoes would be soooo good for riding bicycle it ain't even funny! Gimme!

00:39 - If they're trying to keep to the story line of the already established franchise...well...the done effed it up. But since this is a "reboot", then the android pig can be OK. Especially since I don't like Data (and that means Lore as well). Maybe Abrams hates Data too. Maybe Data just never exists!

00:58 - You're right. There were reasons why most ships created by the UFP were built in orbit in docks: THERE JUST TOO DAMN HEAVY! Besides that, the Enterprise never had surface landing capabilities. Guess they may have changed this. Maybe it's the Swiss Army Knife of space-going wessles know. As you saw in the preview, Scotty was pretty stoked about the ship...

01:06 - Sarek looks like he's about ready to just crush her skull...Bladerunner style.

01:08 - That's kinda more like how the Romulan's are supposed to be dress...

01:09 - May be blasphemy, but I kinda like the new transporter effect - if that's what it is. It look more like your getting your atoms torn apart and then reassembled then just getting smudgy or thrown into a tall, cool glass of iced tea and stirred around until you're off the ship.

01:18 - So far the Kelvin is my favorite ship in the movie. Sadly even more than the Enterprise. Why? Well, it doesn't look like the nacelles were created by some alien race and then given to the Federation and slapped onto a hull from Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

Sadly, I think that is some sort of weapon (hopefully NOT a ship) being used by the Romulans vs. Vulcan.

01:21 - From what I've heard, Bana is from some sort of splinter group of Romulans or pirates or something. Not sure how pirates get a hold of an alien-looking doomsday weapon that looks like it's trying to eat Vulcan though.

01:22 - I'm actually into the new uniform textures. But yes...as a company UA should just die. I always loved my fat, lazy ex-boss wandering around the office in his UA getup.

01:25 - Still don't want to accept this as Romulan.

01:29 - "Chowder" Class Ty? Let's hope so...

http://www.starfleet-museum.org/romulan-lineage.jpg

01:30 - I always thought that Kirk was more forward in his advances towards women. Maybe only if they're some weird color...

01:33, :34, :36 - Here's still hoping that they're pirates. It's the only thing I can think of, since Romulans are impeccable dressers.

01:38 - Beats seeing yet another humanoid alien with forehead bumps!

01:39, :41 - As a separate Doomsday machine (see also, the original DM) this thing could be really, really sweet. Ty...let's just hope that the Romulans didn't MAKE it. And if they did, I expect you to make rules for it so that it eats my entire fleet next time we meet.

01:45 - I'm actually GLAD that there attack fighters in Star Trek. It just make sense since the UFP is a mash-up of our current Navy and Air Force. Besides that, it adds some excitement to the movie watching experience. If there's one thing that Lucas got right other than is marketing it's the fact that he included dog fights.

However much I like the Kelvin, it still confuses me. Which is the warp engine and which is the secondary hull?!? I THINK the 2nd hull is on top, as the deflector dish matches up with the newly-changed blue dish on the Enterprise and they're shuttle bay doors on the rear section, but the thingy on the bottom of the saucer section makes no sense at all. It looks like another 2nd hull with a deflector dish on the rear and a olde timey deflector dish (see original Enterprise...you know. The brass thing) on the front. It's freakin' confusing.

You can all commence making fun of me now. I care not.

Stuart Spengler said...

I am surprised nobody has mentioned the space/base-jumping in there.

Off for screen grabs...

rick smith said...

"The article confirms long-standing rumors about the movie having a time travel element in the story. This time travel element falls into place when the USS Kelvin - is attacked by vicious Romulan (Eric Bana) who is desperately seeking one of the movies main heroes."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Why time travel?!? WHY?

Ack Ack Ack said...

You done blew up the comments son!

Cabbage Class!

Maybe Mr. Abrams is exploring the whole Romulan/Vulcan dirty little secret - ie hey we're related and we're still filled with hate.

So perhaps this is some pissed off group of biker Romulans (From Remus maybe?) who wanna nuke Vulcan for being pussies, since the proper Romulans (on Romulus) are either too busy to do so with all their political maneuvering or are scared of the Tal Shiar.

Or it could be some bizarre Romulan infiltration of Vulcan society that allowed the events to come to pass. (there's all them kiddie Vulcan shots which could be of an early Spock and maybe Spock's evil playtime buddy Bana.) Who fucking knows. I just know that I'm doing my best to stay away from spoiler sites and stuff!

Where's my Roumlan sweater!

Ack Ack Ack said...

CAN I PLEeEZE HAz A THIME MASHeEN?

NOOOOOOOOOOO TIME TRAVEL!

Send me no more such info Lobot!

Balls.

rick smith said...

I'm sorry Ty.

But why time travel?

It's not like we need to grab a whale or something...

Murphy said...

Christ Lobot! Your nerdosity has achieve most crucial status, in fact so much so it has almost unpickled my brain...

rick smith said...

I try Mr. Murphy.
I try.

Chris Horse said...

Holy fuck, Rick, you need to let that shit out more or you'll spontaneously combust!






















NERD!

rick smith said...

Keep it secret, Chris. Keep it safe.

Wordo said...

It's not really Trek without Khan. The old ways are best.

And don't give me that attack fighter shit to clutter the screen. [Cue Comic Book Guy voice] ST:TNG Season 5, Episode 14 CLEARLY shows the Enterprise blasting multiple Lysian sentry pods like GoGo skewering chicken nuggets. We need big ships blasting away at each other and venting red shirts to space -- leave the starfighters to Alex Rogan and Wedge.

Like a fresh corpse, Star Trek keeps urinating on itself after it died horribly under Janeway. They should just let it be for a while.

Sorry Ty, I'm trying to save you sadness in your pants.

P.S. - Your Prop 8 ref made me raff.

P.P.S. - Why does new Kirk look and act like Maverick from Top Gun? They even poached the stupid "motorcycle ride next to my jet/spaceship" scene.

P.P.P.S. - I typed "P.P."

Stuart Spengler said...

You are one of the good ones Barnes.