Thursday, May 13, 2010

OHHHHHHHHH GOOD. IT'S WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED or BLADE RUNNER WAS RIGHT

TVs at the damn pump. Really. A great #1 super best idea.

I dropped by a Shell late last night as the car was on the dreaded orange light of doom. Swiped the card, dropped the nozzle in, and was horrified when a voice behind me boomed "WELCOME! WE'RE GLAD YOU COULD BE WITH US!" I spun around, and there's a tiny Asian man stuffed in a yellow screen smiling at me.

Next thing I know, I'm getting peppered by 10,0000 decibel ads on how Shell gas is awesome. Then it went into a bit on home improvement tips from a bald dude on how you shouldn't paint your home in colors you actually like as you should instead pick neutrals so you can always be thinking about resale value (living is fun!). Whaaa? Not missing a beat, I get the weather report next.

At this point I'm yelling at a TV screen at midnight on Georgia Ave and telling it to shut the fuck up.

But it doesn't listen. It plows on into some other Shell related BS at random and it's like watching a game of Dragon's Lair, but without any Bluth art or Dragons or Lairs. It was so loud and obnoxious. Then the Asian dude pops back up and wishes me well. Fuck you.

I kinda always thought the relentless ads and that flying shit in Blade Runner were crazy nutty. Sadly, Shell or some other evil douche bag is probably already knee deep in developing hoverbot ads to annoy the bejesus out of us all.

I'm never going to Shell again if I can help it.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi there. Welcome to Shell. I'm 'Roger'...the video pump! I couldn't help but notice you've put my gas nozzle in your hot ride. I think you're going to like what I give it. Hopefully you'll let me fill'er up, maybe even top'er off. Oooh. Good choice. That's my favorite octane. Yeah, you like that, don't you? You don't have to keep squeezing my nozzle...just relax. I'll do the work for both of us. I'll let you know when I'm done. But, trust me. You'll know when I've finished. You'll drive differently too. People will notice you've been Rogered at a Shell. If you like what I've given to you, you could talk to...(Orel)...he's a great mechanic here at...(Georgia Avenue Shell).... Tell him you just got Rogered at the video pump and he'll service you with a smile. Well, looks like you've had enough. When you're ready, I'd appreciate it if you'd put my nozzle back where you found it. I'll be doing this for hundreds of customers before we meet like this again...but, don't worry -- I've printed-out my phone number just for you. If you want to clean-up, there's a handi wipe next to the print-out. It smells like a lemony zephyr so you'll remember our time together. Thanks again for getting Rogered at Shell. I look forward to pleasuring you again in the near future...in fact, why don't we just meet here next week, same time? Maybe we could try a different octane! Alrighty then...(Mister Ack Ack Ack)...Stay out of trouble and I'll be right here waiting for you.

Chris Horse said...

A+

Jessica said...

Holy entendre.

Fiend Without A Face said...

Fuckin' gas pump tvs, how do they work?

Aaaaaaaaaaand this is where Crazy C drops more ICP science. (Buffalo, Juggalo, coincidence?)

Ack Ack Ack said...

That last round of unsolicited ICP knowledge left me with a much lessened view of C-dogg's generally high intelligence.

TV's fall into the same category as fuggin reignbowse.