VEGAS. WHY?

Vegas is loud and obnoxious and dumb. Being stuck here an extra pair of days alone is only cementing my dislike for this hole. Staring at a fake Statue of Liberty isn't helping. Or the pool closing at 5. Or the inability to find edible food for under 30 bucks. Ugh. I'll admit some affinity for the downtown old Vegas stuff, with the crazy lights and stuff. But the strip is just, yeech. So, here's just a few snapshots of the reasons why this place sucks so badly.

I dunno, sure.

Sluts love them some Eiffel Tower shaped drinks. Comes in three flavors!

Hunter S Thompson wouldn't need drugs to freak out nowadays.
Shit like this is everywhere.

Bang trucks are everywhere.

Crummy Transformers.

Nightmare clowns with balloons.

MJ and Robot MJ.

Topiary shaped like motorcycles.

Yup.

For after a hard day of slots tournaments.

Rug horror after horror. The tacky design levels are set to kill.

More yuck.

This entire sign is offensive.

Fuck.

Getting dizzy now.

Maniacal slots? Check.

Vampires? Yeah.

I slipped into another dimension for a moment here.

Spelling?

I love gold.

320,000 credits of Romance.

Cherries with pants.

You can't keeps cats out of anything. Same goes for glitter.

THE GREATEST PHOTOGRAPH EVER TAKEN (DIGITALLY)

I don't know who is responsible for it, but it is exemplary.

THE RETURN OF HAROLD AND THE RISE OF JL421 BADONKADONK

Remember Hobo Pete & Harold? Of course you do, you're a loyal Placemaniac. He kept haunting me via pop-up ads wherever I traveled. And he was the subject of a pile of photoshops, bunches of which I have yet to post. (Review the Hobo Pete/Harold Saga here: 0 1 2 3 4)

So anyway, I was stalking Amazon's lesser known regions and came across The Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank. Yes, click the link, I'll wait.

I guess you can sell anything on Amazon. This super neat tank has a comment section that beats the band. But it was seriously lacking something in the customer photos section. So I fixed that. Enter outdated photos of M & 19th Street DC, the Badonkadonk, a dash of Harold - and you get internet magic. Just scroll over a few images on the view all customer images for the full effect. Or hit the image below.

There is a secret, unique pleasure to posting complete bullshit on public sites. I learned everything I know from the Canadian master in this area.

NO, NO, REALLY, IT'S SUBTLE. AND TASTEFUL.

Your right conscious, I've been wasting my life. Painting plastic and metal models for sad sad wargames is a fucking lame. I should instead be catching animals, stuffing them, mounting them on a wall, and then painting beer logos and flaming skeletons onto them. That's some deep respect right there. Had Jesus known about Bud Light or America whilst on the cross, he would have made a mental note to tell pops that all species of sharks and fish need beer logos or flags emblazoned onto their skin.

Give you one guess which state the purveyor of these fine wares resides. Nah, you don't even need one guess. This sums it up nicely.

LATE, BUT MOVING ALONG

I got a late start on garden crap this year, but it's finally starting to show some positive signs of life. Yes, they are but lil' sprouts, but soon they will be delicious.

And the growing season couldn't have started off better. Two weeks of rain soaking hell, then a week of stupid sunny heat death. The results were explosive for late May. Yay!

BAND NAME WIN: SHARKLEGS

Sharklegs' song - Dragon's Bane. They get additional bonus points for singing about dragons. Just listen to the 1st 30 seconds and quit. I think they'd make an excellent opener for Rattler. But on the other hand, no one should have to face the impossible task of opening for Rattler.

EBAY GETS WORSE

Budge. So the powers that be have passed a new decree on how they calculate ebay seller status. Status sets how your stuff ranks in the search. Higher the status, the better chance you have to get plucked into the search results. Besides the search hierarchy being budge in the first place, now the requirements penalize low volume sellers. I have a rather sterling record as a seller, but I didn't sell enough in a yearly period. So my super cool dude status got bumped down a peg. Lame.

Ebay has been on the decline for about 5 years now, especially on the small seller end of things. Sellers have almost no power in disputes, take it in ass if a buyer doesn't want to pay the "unreasonable" (read: actual) shipping costs, and have to prove 6 ways to Sunday that someone might be (read: is) threatening negative feedback to extort cash back. Mega Sellers could give a shit. The volume of stuff covers they churn out buries any blemishes in days.

Don't get me started on the "Buy It Now" fest that the place has become. Auctions? Ha. Double dipping with Paypal? Ha. Final value fee increases? Ha. Some auctions incur more fees than others based on category? Ha. Does it matter that you've been a constant user with an excellent track record for a decade now? Ha. If you don't make us enough money, you can eat it.

GREY AREAS or THIS MALL HAS TOO MANY RULES

What exactly constitutes excessive loitering?

Doesn't the basic definition of loitering involve an excessive qualifier to begin with?

Also, no dirt bike jumps and no dangerous Hoveround races.

This place has too many rules.

THE GUM MUST BE DELICIOUS BY NOW

I wasn't spending the 20 bucks.

No matter how loud Boom Box Bryan was shouting my name inside my head.

TIRED OF THE BALDWIN BROTHERS

Another sweet missive from a robot. (click to read)

Yeah! Junkmail rules!