Tuesday, March 31, 2009


CNN ran a story on how you shouldn't eat pistachios because of a possible salmonella contamination. OK. Cool.
Adsense or whatever generated the following list for the article. Excellent deal. Can't wait to get mine in the mail. Makes you wonder how bad auto-genearted ads could go wrong for certain stories. Maybe a story about how a man went berserk, used a riding mower to run over his family during a picnic and then sprinkled them gently (in mulch form) on his tomato garden - would feature ads like:
"The John Deere X7000 mowing deck Edge System and 7-Iron™ decks are designed with superior airflow to deliver superior cut quality and uniform discharge, in even difficult mowing conditions."
Followed by: "The common perception is all shovels look the same, but many don't have a pre-sharpened blade edge, not the case with Fiskars Garden Tools"
Capped off with: "So come and smile for a while, come and play for the day at the Hinkle Family Fun Center, for the Games Families Play!"

Thursday, March 26, 2009


It's new! It's exciting! It's SyFy!
It's the fresh promise of new Mansquito, Supergator, and Aztec Rex films!

I don't get it.

Sounds like a pure cash move to me. Or "Siffie" if you say the new name out loud.
Here's what they have to be proud of: The list-o-shit Sci Fi (SyFy) Originials.
They're no fun to watch. Not even a little. Pure pain. I know pain and bad film.

But, President Dave Howe sez:
“When we tested this new name, the thing that we got back from our 18-to-34 techno-savvy crowd, which is quite a lot of our audience, is actually this is how you’d text it,”
P.S. BSG is over dude, don't get cocky.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


I'm not even sure how this happened to me today. But it did. I was having some Dr. Moreau thoughts on the way into work and acted upon them. In an online fashion. (less mess) There's loads of baby maker type programs out there. Most of them you download to your machine and muck with the settings until you achieve the super baby that you want to come out of your child hole. But that's no fun, and mostly sad.

Instead there's a few online baby maker do-dahs that run the gambit from stupid to serious. So, I set out to test the three I dug up using the most virulent and powerful genetic material I could think of in 2 seconds. I chose Ann Coulter (her second asshole still functions as a baby incubator) and Sloth (his will is STRONG). Now, see what these specimens have produced in the online breeding pens! (besides a sticky Baby Ruth and manjuice mess!)

First up was the Volkswagon Babymaker 3000. It's way high tech and spits out a cooing virtual baby that follows your pointer around from it's safety car seat and generally looks uber creepy. But not nightmarish. Which is what I'd expect from this paring. Perhaps Ann Coulter's secondary asshole is just too powerful? Maybe her asswomb can not be defeated? Even if the sperm in question comes from the extra eager mongoloid superstar known as Sloth. Bah, no fun. Onwards.

Make me Babies has a looser interface and mostly produces the kind of fearful beasts I desire. However, it still seems to just jam some of your selected parental features onto pre-stored baby pictures and delivers a mutant that is just "off" enough to be guaranteed a lifetime job at the MVA in Glen Burnie.

Not sure why I kept getting freaking Santa hats for my creations though. The choice of a baby frame is overall a nice touch that adds hilarity value. Especially since it highlights the pictures you used to make your monster.

Lastly, there's a few template baby makers that are interchangeably used to promote baby related movies. Knocked Up and Baby Mama are the two I movie ones I hit. Heck, even Maury Povich has one out there. Anyways, Baby Mama was the one that actually worked. Unfortunately it's filled with fucking sound effects and ads and trailers - just mute it. You pay for quality I guess. BECAUSE this bad boy gets the job done right! Here are the sloughing childspawn of foretold nightmare legend!

Behold! ANNOTHSLUR and ZAGSLOTHCOULTER live! So, go forth and make your own mutant creatures! Most makers provide links to where your lil' deviant lives on the intarwebs, so you can share the joy. Best baby sent in wins a sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet prize.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Insane rant ahead! Somewhat factual, but more or less a writing and filthy image exercise of sorts as I attempt to be amusing. So, you've been warned!

Having read the Wired article Chris dropped in a comment the other day, I feel as though I have a wee bit of a better grip on the whole confuso wall street bustification situation. But it's still insane. As thinking creatures, how could this come to pass? Oh wait, we're really all at our cores, greedy fucktards.

Here's what I gleaned. And it's probably quite wrong, since the concepts are so intangible it boggles the mind. I have a better handle on Kant and stuff like the philosophical takes on Free Will or the problem of Evil or time travel.

This math dude, David X. Li, got hired by investment peeps because academia can't even begin to put out a salary like the ones he was offered. So, advancement of humanity loses once again. Anyways, he went and simplified the impossible (complex correlations and how to make them a constant) and folks flocked to it as a truth, instead of a math theory like Mr. Li stated it. He warned about the flaws and issues with the idea, but few listened. Using Li's equation, investors were able to quantify an insane amount of risk factors into an easy to digest number. And they took that number seriously.

Enter the fail.

Using this new truth investors went and pooled together mortgages with bonds so as to get a AAA rating on mortgages that would never have gotten a watertight rating in the first place because it was pooled with more solid bonds and assets. By basing their logic on, essentially, the existence of Unicorns (ie an insane variable based in mathland ONLY), they were able to make just about every investment a AAA rated good deal by lumping shit together for massive payback. Practically 99% return guarantees with no risk. On paper. Let the trading frenzy begin!

Unfortunately, people in the real world starting saying "Dude, unicorns are bullshit". Then that 1% risk (which was insanely false to being with) blew the fuck up, the simplified correlation theory fell apart as actual correlations quickly spread, and home prices started eating dick en masse. Surprise! It turns out Leprechauns are total shit too, along with Bridge Trolls, the Tooth Fairy, and Honesty.

The variables go boom and now everyone has worthless paper piling up in banks. All the previously guaranteed unicorn money returns now REALLY don't exist and all these fucks are left with zilch. So, banks freak out, dish our bonuses like candy, close shop, and run like hell because they are worthless. The remainders lend to nobody because reality sucks and all banks act like petulant, entitled children who've shit their pants but still want to play in the pool.

Gobment steps up in the middle of a pressy campaign and throws an unjust, short sighted, poorly thought out, midnight special chunk of legislation through the system like Nolan Ryan (after a trip to the future so he can get some real deal steroid cocktails) and a crazy amount of money heads straight back to the original gaggle of fuck-ups who invented this problem in their Umpa Loompa powered ideatoriums. And we're fucking surprised chunks of it mysteriously walked away? U.S.A.!

Who to blame? Fuck. Language I guess. The very essence of syllables got us here. How about the reflexive act of breathing? As Chris pointed out, CNBC should pretty much be shut down and set on fire as an example. For a collective group on it's own separate channel that's supposed to report back to the public on the economy, wall street, and business practices, they really did the world a disservice. To the point that the term traitor should start to be bandied about.

To encompass their inability and stout refusal to report on what was really happening for a decade via honest to goodness hard work and research instead of straight up investigative dark magiks and word of mouth isn't that tough. Let's relate it to Katrina. I think most would agree that it was a fucked disaster that couldn't have been much worse. But if CNBC were in charge - it would of. Essentially, these fucks would have watched the storm abrewin' in the Gulf on their radars and simply shut off that TV monitor, all the while going about business as usual. Sorta like what Burke did to Ripley and Newt in Aliens.

Then they'd get in your face and try to sell you on the fact that those dark clouds on the horizon are actually condensed sun rays that actually take away harmful UV rays from Global Warming and reverse most types of skin cancer, melanoma, and shit, why not, AIDS. So get out there and soak it up! Then the storm shows up and fucks everyone in the mouth and CNBC doesn't understand what happened. As they report from New York or wherever Louisiana isn't.

Alright so that's a stretch, but basically, deep down these cocks knew all about this leaky ship, were making crazy money off of an idea - a concept - and decided to play along. Why bite the hand that feeds? So, we all lose and my taxes go to fuel continued douche baggery. I say let the things that "can't fail' fucking fail hard. Strife is the only way shit gets done ever. Ever. Look at history. No war, no progress. It's harsh, but it's how thing's have been since the start.

They win dude. Bring on CHOAM.

And now, to brighten things up a bit yet depress you at the same time: some puppies and kitties from a popular TV phenomenon.


Thanks to Christian Harkonnen for inadvertently helping me stumble onto this gem. Not pants wettingly hilarious, but amusing. Giant crabs make me laugh, as do pundits agreeing that Giant Crabs are a good thing. The Onion has been my best friend for a year or so now. Funny shit and lots of useful event info in there too. I wouldn't have been aware of two at least stand-up shows had I not perused its pages. A week doesn't go by that I don't pick one up on the way to the Metro. I even save them all because I am a pack rat crazy person.

As an aside, in the world of bloggy buddies I'm officially giving this rotund bastard (Chris) the SLAYER PLACEMAT BUMP! He's just getting going in the words world and I'm sure his page views suck, but that's sure to change now! Go read his boring computer face nerd shit too if you're into that kinda stuff!

>>>>>> FATTY'S WORDHOUSE <<<<<<

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Been awhiles since I dipped into the political tard jungle! But this whole AIG (or should I say USAIG) thing is crazy. How did it get to be that an insurance-fucking-company has the power to destroy a country? Amazing.

The economy is in the shitter, half the people I know are unemployed or will soon to be unemployed and retardedly rich dudes are taking all the cash they can from these ridiculously leaky and impossible to track bailout plans before boarding jets to island safe houses in foreign waters. I'd prefer if everything just went straight to shit and Mad Max times were upon us. But alas, we're a civilized bunch of idiots. We don't throw shit anymore, we instead to choose to eat it. Daily. And like it.

But one man is brave enough to say what we're all thinking! Enter my hero for the day Sentator Charles Grassley from Iowa! A true Masaki Kobayashi fan! On AIG douches getting crazy bonuses for failing, he sez:

"I suggest, you know, obviously, maybe they ought to be removed," Grassley said. "But I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them if they'd follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, I'm sorry, and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide."

Of course this is all after the fact and a drop in the trillion zillion dollar bucket, but ya know. Take what I can get. It'd be dope if we took up the practices of them Samurai goons from back in the day. Belly cutting party begin! Senate and House gone! Heads everywhere!

Monday, March 16, 2009


Since one blog just isn't enough, I've started another. Along with help from a few dedicated Placemaniacs, I present THE ULTIMATE NULLIFIER! It's a commune of pure comic book geekery as each week we post our faves and most hated comics. Plus, there's plenty of random jackassery in the vein of all things comics. So, make it part of your blog roll bitches!

Thursday, March 12, 2009


Hi, I run some, mostly unheard of miniatures company. Most likely from my 'carport' where I keep spare stock in the 'boot'. I live in England, so obviously the internet is a strange and whimsical place where design and function often cease to exist due to fairy and unicorn interference. I use olde tyme webz terminology like:
"Click on the following links to 'jump'
to these 1:1200 ACW related headings."
This kind of amazing 'jump' technology helps you explore my crazy person website maze. Also, since the cost of free digital images is so costly, I choose not to include images of the models I sell. It's more fun to get a surprise in the post! Don't you agree? But I do include some really faint and jaggy diagrams to help you along, so worry not.

Well, now I come to the important part of my missive. See, I've been operating for years selling tiny historical ships and men getting a sale here and there. It's a nice side hobby I suppose. But, it seems the time has come for a 10% price increase to reflect the growing cost of materials. This has NOTHING to do with the world's largest manufacturer of tabletop games (I believe the fellows go by Games Workshop or some such) recently releasing a Trafalgar ruleset that features my ships in the book heavily as well as 'jumping' out from their site to mine. No sir, this purely coincidental. But it should keep me in Bacon Buddies for a bit!

Furthermore, instead of me actually adjusting the prices on my excellent website, which I believe can't be done with current technology, simply add 10% on top of whatever you plan to buy. Easy! Then when you have your prices adjusted, factor in the package and posting for England's crack fleet of wondrous auto-gyro flying machines. For you yanks please add another 30% (including the previous 10%), UK add 10% and EU add 20%. See simple. Now that you have an inflated total of around 20-40%, finishing your order is a breeze!

There are a bevy of options available. The preferred method of course is to simply mail us a letter with money in it. If you don't trusty your cheeky postman, then get on the blower and give us a ring. Fab! But we do realize in this age of 'dotcoms' and 'browsers' that we should offer up an alternate method to you folks. That's why we are pleased to offer you Secure Ordering (of a sort). We suggest if you fear identity theft, which is absurd really, simply send a few different emails of a few days with your credit card infos and we'll piece them together, then send your order out. Huzzah!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Forever 21 decided it'd be dope to use the Minor Threat font/logo on the above sweeeeeeeeet ass shirt. Just add neon and checkers! Fuck yeahs rock shirt! They done got shut down right quick. I'm not sure what's funnier, a chain store having a line getting shut down by ancient punk rock dudes or being an ancient punk rock dude and having to call Forever 21 and bitch about stealing logos off a band you did when you were 15.

Friday, March 6, 2009


New trailer means new fun speculation and rabid rantings from barely researched facts! This 3rd trailer opens up a few more questions and closes a few at at the same time. Kirk and the Enterprise just gets weirder and I'm beginning to like this Nero dude. There's a comic out now that's a prequel of sort and it's setting up how Nero got to be the way he is now. Basically he was a good dude, loyal to the Romulan Empire to the last, but he blames Vulcan and the Federation for the destruction of Romulus (along with his wife and unborn child) due to those two planets' people and their beaueaucratic inability to get anyfuckingthing done in a rapid manner. Now this is future Romulus, so he travels back in time somehow I guess to fuck up these two galactic powers so the Romulan Empire will be that much better. Or something. I love Romulans, so who cares.

Kirk snarfs his chocolate space milk after Spock drops
some choice racial slurs against Andorians.

Pissing off Asians is Kirk's specialty. Well, any foreigner really.
They best not bust up that jukebox damn it.
Those things are hard enough to get nowadays for crissakes.

I believe this is Papa Kirk about to bite it on the bridge...

...only to save his wifey and newborn son Kirk.

San Fransisco of the future seems to be doing just fine.
This is despite all that I hear the gays are doing to ruin the place
for good American regular straight folk.

But that Nero due isn't into queers I guess. Laser to face.

Lookit that orange haired dude in Starfleet College: Kilingon Manners 101.
I think I know his retarded red-headed father.

The mighty space vage disgorges Nero's ship!

Some planet imploding after getting the drill? Maybe Vulcan.
Mess with the Romulans, get the horns!
Even time travel can't save your ass!

So based on the dialogue, the Captain and 1st officer eat it.
So, Kirk just sorta takes command.
Because he's nearest the command chair and sits down first.
Starfleet Rule 329.78z9: Musical Chairs will be played in the event of...

Why is Kirk in this snowy realm?
He goes there after he takes over the Enterprise based on his face contusions.
I have no idea, but old tyme Spock is on this planet me thinks.
Maybe Spock came back with Nero and was then exiled?

1701 vs The Nero ship thingy.
Sweet. A little close though!

This ship bugs me.
It looks like the form of a person is standing there.
Like Spock in a blue uniform.

But then it goes off towards Nero's ship...

...and rams into it causing a big explosion?
Maybe past Spock has to die so future Spock never was?
I don't like time travel.

Spock gets some "play".

Laser blast from sky confirms that Nero attacks Vulcan.
Or someone with that ship at least.

Even Spock's hair is highly logical and mathematically perfect.

Sulu rocks a sword reverse hand stylee.

And he flips and whirls around like a Samurai.

While Kirk gets straight bitched by Nero.

End result: They both get tossed off the friggin' drill platform.

Nero is pissed and says:
"James T Kirk was a great man, but that was another life."
Oh, how I don't like time travel.

Kirk runs from a bearlike snow beast.

Then the snow beast gets eaten by some other huge bastard!

Papa Kirk on the bridge just before it blows the fuck up.
He's getting lifted out of the chair from the blast behind him.
Action crotch!

Enterprise drops out off warp to enter the debris field that was the USS Kelvin.
I think that's Pike or April, not Kirk in the command chair.
So the current captain eats it somewhere during this sequence.

Nero's ship seems to fire nothing but hordes of physical missiles.
I don't recall a single phaser or anything.
Maybe refitted drilling equipment?
Damn Romulan hillbillies.

Old Spock or Past Spock I guess.
He was revealed in an earlier web only trailer version.
I just stuck him in here.
That makes FOUR Spocks in this movie.
Infant, boy, young adult, ancient.
Spock, the Final Frontier.