WE'RE SORRY SIR, THERE ARE FIVE OTHERS

OK, fine, I'll take Frodo 6.

WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS BOX? OH WAIT I KNOW! I'LL SHAME MYSELF IN PUBLIC!

Let's bask in others failures who then put it on the internets because they believe they've won a prize. Especially the failure of one of my favorite dork sub-groups: cardboard cosplay dweebs. Die in a fire! Go!

For the Emperor! I hope it doesn't rain! I wet 'em!

Saggy Baggy Load.

We paid money for for the honor of beng mocked.

You will never get the Necronomicon!

That dog from Road Warrior fell on hard times after his Dinky-Di contract ran out.

Repulsors working just fine...

Google it, prepare for horror. Good job kid.

An old fave. Cardboard Tau for the win! Again!

OK, this one is rad. You get a pass.

This is fucking art. Take note all you cosplay goons.

To quote Suicidal Tendencies most well known song. "All I wanted was a Pepsi".

OH VALIANT, AND TO THINK AT ONE POINT YOU WERE EQUAL TO DC

Turok embossed foil covers for all at the thrift store!

BEFORE HE FAILED TO HELP THAT ONE DUDE WITH HIS KNIFE PROBLEM, HE WAS BUSY PROMOTING THE END OF THE "ALIEN" FILMS' GREATNESS

Yeah, all I got is YouTube stupidity. Sue me.
Once you get past the MTV bit, there's a commercial for Alien 3.
It is terrible and make me sad. Just like Alien 3.
The real fun seeps in when you figure out who the one kid is.

NO LOST BOYS 3 I GUESS.

He was certainly the most busted of the Corey's. And most of the reason the other Corey is so currently busted. At least I think so. And he went out in the most predictable manner possible. Great job Haim.

DEATH IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES or FIRE CORPSEY TROPEDOES

When you gotta go, go out like Spock did the 1st time. In a decommissioned photon torpedo. Or if you're not into the whole "irradiated dead body fired into space only to resurrected via the Genesis project and forced through creepy accelerated puberty while Christopher Lloyd hunts you down" thing, save them precious post cremation dust motes forever in a sweet Trek themed urn. No joke. I'd save up, but the price is TBD. Luckily, the cat urns are all set to ship. Go get 'em "Fluffy".

However, if you're low on cash or the kwatloo conversion sucks this week, you can simply opt to go out in a fucking cardboard box. The Green solution! (versus being buried in no box at all.) Styled as inappropriately as you wish. A bottle of wine? A hot licks guitar? Your favorite country? Some dolphins? Classy.

DOLLAR STORE ADVENTURES - CAP'S CRUMMY COLORING BOOK

I went on a dollar store adventure last week and found many gems. These oceans of trash are a lovely snap shot of America's insatiable lust for stuff. I'll start with this crappy coloring book I dug up. I recall seeing this sucker years back when someone bought a copy for the office. Glad to see it's still circling the bowl with all the other junk I had to wade through to find it. Expect more fun Dollar Store Adventures in the future! But for now, enjoy Cap n friends' journeys through mystery.

The Wrecker takes on his deadliest enemy yet - a nondescript snake.
Thor prepares to recreate the infamous Evil Dead tree rape scene.

Cap is feeling a little "unfresh" today and doesn't feel up to trouncing this clown.
To cheer himself up, he gets Hank Pym to make him huge so he can piss on the UN building.

"Sir, I don't have time for this shit. Get up, you pussy."
"Thumbs up. I have plenty of time for this shit."

After a tough day of super heroing, Cap enjoys a dance session and some burning incense.
But like most days, it eventually all ends in a powerful shame spiral.

SNAKEBITED PART TOO

Even more horrible this time around! The sad thing is, that when your do a Google image search for "Snakebites" (Moderate Safe Search On), like I did yesterday, instead of horrific pus filled wounds - you're mostly greeted by another horror. Legions of woman-boys in MCR T-shirts preening for fucking Facebook photos. Snakebites are a goofy type of piercing. Though there were a few Snakebite Ork models mixed in there with the Emo-tards, 70% of the images came up with some form of androgynous nightmare. Enjoy the horror I've collected! All I can think of is the part in Mr. Holland's Opus when he sings BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BOOOOOOOOOY. In fact, play the link above in a tabbed window while you look at the images for maximum effect.

ONE MORE SUPER RANT, THEN BACK TO FUN, I PROMISE. ECONOMIC HELLSTORM!

Insane rant ahead! Somewhat factual, but more or less a writing and filthy image exercise of sorts as I attempt to be amusing. So, you've been warned!

Having read the Wired article Chris dropped in a comment the other day, I feel as though I have a wee bit of a better grip on the whole confuso wall street bustification situation. But it's still insane. As thinking creatures, how could this come to pass? Oh wait, we're really all at our cores, greedy fucktards.

Here's what I gleaned. And it's probably quite wrong, since the concepts are so intangible it boggles the mind. I have a better handle on Kant and stuff like the philosophical takes on Free Will or the problem of Evil or time travel.

This math dude, David X. Li, got hired by investment peeps because academia can't even begin to put out a salary like the ones he was offered. So, advancement of humanity loses once again. Anyways, he went and simplified the impossible (complex correlations and how to make them a constant) and folks flocked to it as a truth, instead of a math theory like Mr. Li stated it. He warned about the flaws and issues with the idea, but few listened. Using Li's equation, investors were able to quantify an insane amount of risk factors into an easy to digest number. And they took that number seriously.

Enter the fail.

Using this new truth investors went and pooled together mortgages with bonds so as to get a AAA rating on mortgages that would never have gotten a watertight rating in the first place because it was pooled with more solid bonds and assets. By basing their logic on, essentially, the existence of Unicorns (ie an insane variable based in mathland ONLY), they were able to make just about every investment a AAA rated good deal by lumping shit together for massive payback. Practically 99% return guarantees with no risk. On paper. Let the trading frenzy begin!

Unfortunately, people in the real world starting saying "Dude, unicorns are bullshit". Then that 1% risk (which was insanely false to being with) blew the fuck up, the simplified correlation theory fell apart as actual correlations quickly spread, and home prices started eating dick en masse. Surprise! It turns out Leprechauns are total shit too, along with Bridge Trolls, the Tooth Fairy, and Honesty.

The variables go boom and now everyone has worthless paper piling up in banks. All the previously guaranteed unicorn money returns now REALLY don't exist and all these fucks are left with zilch. So, banks freak out, dish our bonuses like candy, close shop, and run like hell because they are worthless. The remainders lend to nobody because reality sucks and all banks act like petulant, entitled children who've shit their pants but still want to play in the pool.

Gobment steps up in the middle of a pressy campaign and throws an unjust, short sighted, poorly thought out, midnight special chunk of legislation through the system like Nolan Ryan (after a trip to the future so he can get some real deal steroid cocktails) and a crazy amount of money heads straight back to the original gaggle of fuck-ups who invented this problem in their Umpa Loompa powered ideatoriums. And we're fucking surprised chunks of it mysteriously walked away? U.S.A.!

Who to blame? Fuck. Language I guess. The very essence of syllables got us here. How about the reflexive act of breathing? As Chris pointed out, CNBC should pretty much be shut down and set on fire as an example. For a collective group on it's own separate channel that's supposed to report back to the public on the economy, wall street, and business practices, they really did the world a disservice. To the point that the term traitor should start to be bandied about.

To encompass their inability and stout refusal to report on what was really happening for a decade via honest to goodness hard work and research instead of straight up investigative dark magiks and word of mouth isn't that tough. Let's relate it to Katrina. I think most would agree that it was a fucked disaster that couldn't have been much worse. But if CNBC were in charge - it would of. Essentially, these fucks would have watched the storm abrewin' in the Gulf on their radars and simply shut off that TV monitor, all the while going about business as usual. Sorta like what Burke did to Ripley and Newt in Aliens.

Then they'd get in your face and try to sell you on the fact that those dark clouds on the horizon are actually condensed sun rays that actually take away harmful UV rays from Global Warming and reverse most types of skin cancer, melanoma, and shit, why not, AIDS. So get out there and soak it up! Then the storm shows up and fucks everyone in the mouth and CNBC doesn't understand what happened. As they report from New York or wherever Louisiana isn't.

Alright so that's a stretch, but basically, deep down these cocks knew all about this leaky ship, were making crazy money off of an idea - a concept - and decided to play along. Why bite the hand that feeds? So, we all lose and my taxes go to fuel continued douche baggery. I say let the things that "can't fail' fucking fail hard. Strife is the only way shit gets done ever. Ever. Look at history. No war, no progress. It's harsh, but it's how thing's have been since the start.

They win dude. Bring on CHOAM.

And now, to brighten things up a bit yet depress you at the same time: some puppies and kitties from a popular TV phenomenon.

AMAZINGLY CONVENIENT PRICE INCREASE and JOIN THE "RECENT" INTERNET AGE YOU FUCKING LUDDITES

Hi, I run some, mostly unheard of miniatures company. Most likely from my 'carport' where I keep spare stock in the 'boot'. I live in England, so obviously the internet is a strange and whimsical place where design and function often cease to exist due to fairy and unicorn interference. I use olde tyme webz terminology like:

"Click on the following links to 'jump'
to these 1:1200 ACW related headings."

This kind of amazing 'jump' technology helps you explore my crazy person website maze. Also, since the cost of free digital images is so costly, I choose not to include images of the models I sell. It's more fun to get a surprise in the post! Don't you agree? But I do include some really faint and jaggy diagrams to help you along, so worry not.

Well, now I come to the important part of my missive. See, I've been operating for years selling tiny historical ships and men getting a sale here and there. It's a nice side hobby I suppose. But, it seems the time has come for a 10% price increase to reflect the growing cost of materials. This has NOTHING to do with the world's largest manufacturer of tabletop games (I believe the fellows go by Games Workshop or some such) recently releasing a Trafalgar ruleset that features my ships in the book heavily as well as 'jumping' out from their site to mine. No sir, this purely coincidental. But it should keep me in Bacon Buddies for a bit!

Furthermore, instead of me actually adjusting the prices on my excellent website, which I believe can't be done with current technology, simply add 10% on top of whatever you plan to buy. Easy! Then when you have your prices adjusted, factor in the package and posting for England's crack fleet of wondrous auto-gyro flying machines. For you yanks please add another 30% (including the previous 10%), UK add 10% and EU add 20%. See simple. Now that you have an inflated total of around 20-40%, finishing your order is a breeze!

There are a bevy of options available. The preferred method of course is to simply mail us a letter with money in it. If you don't trusty your cheeky postman, then get on the blower and give us a ring. Fab! But we do realize in this age of 'dotcoms' and 'browsers' that we should offer up an alternate method to you folks. That's why we are pleased to offer you Secure Ordering (of a sort). We suggest if you fear identity theft, which is absurd really, simply send a few different emails of a few days with your credit card infos and we'll piece them together, then send your order out. Huzzah!

THE THRISS OF VICTORY

I can barely spell most days, but dang. My favorite non-greek, yet totally greek friend sent the video linked above which leads to a YouTube clip from WHEEL OF FORTUNE. (shout it in your head please). It's pretty choice, if you have the time to check it out. I easily lost about half an hour afterwards watching other crappy clips and here's what I've dredged up. For. Your. Pleasure. (Pleasure is optional)

TACO YOU DUMB BITCHES! TACO!

K IS FOR STUPIK!

SPECIAL, SPECIAL VIEWERS. WITH CAMERA. AND TIME.
(like me without a camera)

Finally, let's turn the camera on us, the know-it-all viewer with 20/20 hindsight. Who are we to judge? Well, after this clip. I'm fit to judge ALL! Especially these fucktards.