HALLOCHRISTMAS LIVES!

I dunno about these spooky light up finger candles I saw at the supermarket. Kinda gross, but in a manner which they aren't intented to be.

But more importantly, this photo is from 2 weeks ago, just one isle over. Christ. (Indeed!)

GRIZZLED DUDE SCARES GIRL, MYERS GOES TO JAIL, PAUL RUDD?

This pretty much sums up Halloween 5+6. Loomis in this one is double super crazed. He spends most of the film acting like a monster and yelling into the face of a 10 year old recovering from being hunted down by a pychopath. The same terrorized little girl is later used as bait, a shield, and then an offering to Myers by our brave action psychiatrist.

The film starts to leap into the fringes of drunken plot points from part 3. Let's simply not hover on the fact that early in the film, Myers is picked up by a river hobo and left to sleep in his river shack for a full year until the next October 31st comes around. What were they doing for a full year? Plus there's some dude dressed in black that mysteriously shows up throughout the film for no reason at all. Except to mystically blow up a jail and set Myers free at the end so that he can careen into the wackyland that is part 6. Although 6 is easily as ludicrious as the infamous part 3, it's strangely satisfying to watch for it's off the rails plot, funtastic kills, abusive fathers, wooden child actors, the mom from better off dead, and a young Paul Rudd.

My advice, checkout parts 1+2, then head straight to Halloween H20. Skip all the other stuff inbetween.

HALLOWEEN IV "THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS" or MAYBE THAT STONEHENGE ACTIVATED BUG MASK THING WAS A BAD IDEA or FURTHER DOWN THE FAIL SPIRAL WE GO

I'm slowly working my way through all the Halloween films right now. I know the 1st one very well, as it is a milestone for horror, but the rest are mostly a blur in my head. I've seen them all at some point in life, but they just never really stuck. Outside of the ludicrousness of the genre-bending tour de force that was Halloween III: Season of the Witch, of course. You can scrub all you want, but the custard filled evil robots remain. The one thign that did stick with me, after it was pointed out, was the fact that Michael Myers is the one slasher villian that drives a car. Which is awesome.

Anywho, the original and part 2 are great because they sorta smash together to make on 3 hour long slash-o-fest. Thanks to the way the second film picks up seconds after where the original left off. But even there signs of the goofery to come were present.

Mainly when Michael's crazy doctor, Sam Loomis played by Donald Pleasence, starts waving a gun at every kid that's wearing anything like the Myers mask. This culminates in an amazing scene where some poor dumbass kid in a mask has Loomis threaten to shoot his ass, only to wander into the street where he is promptly hit by a car. A car which then hits a parked truck and explodes, with the kid imapled on the front bumper. The scene ends with the kid smashed and on fire. But in a funny way. Hey, don't take my word for it.

More importantly the scene from part 2 solidifies the series' true star. No, not Michael Myers silly! The mighty madman - Dr. muthalovin' Loomis! Since the entire series seems to have derailed big time, might as well just go with whatever and let Donald Pleasence go bezerk. So, they pretty much devoted the entire 4th film to Loomis' nutty adventures. Which make sense because they goofed up the friggin' Michael Myers mask and set up some way crap lighting. The film's monster was so goofy in every scene, there was zero menace. I kept thinking to myself that he looked more like Data from Star Trek TNG than anything else.

Now, check out some the many gem filled stills from Halloween 4 I took featuring the good doctor.

Sam surveys the scene of an ambulance Myers wrecked during his mostly off screen escape. The cops are just too busy to even look and count how many bodies are present. They figure, "Welp, that's that." So Loomis steps up.

After surviving a completely unsurvivable explosion in the 2nd film's climax, Loomis now sports a jaunty scar, crumbly hands, and a limp. Not to bad for being in confined space blown apart by volumes of volatile gas and fire mixing. It's like a video game, except Loomis doesn't instantly die when he falls in water.

Donald did his own stunts. Action Pleasence!

Thus he earned his on screen boozin'. I've no doubt he was half in the bag during most of the filming. One anecdote from shooting was that Donald had a hat on his head to keep warm during some night shots. No one noticed it (par for the film in general) and the character of Dr. Loomis with a goofy hat was never really established. Sooooo they had to do a whole nights worth of shooting again the next evening.

More Action Pleasense! Though I think this is a stunt dude, since Pleasence would obviously want any stunt he performed to be lit. By lights and stuff. You know, a lit scene.

Now begins the incredulence of Loomis. He seriously wonders inside "Why won't anyone take my insane ass seriously?" "Look at my scar man, it changes in each scene! That's some serious shit!" "Where are your guns?"

The best Myers moment (there was only one) was the face ripping of a dude as he was driving. It was rad.

OK, now that Myers has been vanquished by guns (didn't work before, but now it does? Okdoke.) A bloody Dr. Loomis is thankful to have survived Michales latest rampage.

But no! The twist ending we all saw coming from the 10th minute in is upon us! Who would have thought Michael Myers' niece would have taken up his murderous ways! Shocker!

This shot and expression wraps it all up really. So many more films to go...

Heh. Hot nuts.

Lastly I leave you with the guy responsible for shitting everything up. Alan McElroy. He wrote the script in 11 days. Because he needed to get it done before a writer strike took effect. Great job dude!

HELLO CLEVELAND! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK! TO THE WICKED BAD SOUNDS OF DICK WARLOCK!

Watched halloween II last night and had to pause the credits, twice. Dick Warlock was doing double time in this film as Myers and some cop. I laughed, then remembered laughing at that name before in some other film's credits. Like Halloween III, Friday the 13th V, and of course Herbie Goes To Monte Carlo. Oh fun. Would be a good band name though.

CARD WRAP UP EXPOSITIONANZA

As promised, here's a breakdown of some of the better cards we received for our Hallowedding. Thanks for working up such a varied batch of crafty crap. Enjoy.

Here, GoGo followed the rules and did just as I asked.
One Kettenkrad bustin' through a flaming ring.
Zero for originiality, but A for effort.
Ja! Sick jumps! Wundernice!

Motorcycles and pedophiles. Nice.

Close.

Props to Moms for finding and printing a boot out.

A fab surprise upon opening. Thanks Bruce Foley!

This one made noise when opened.
Anything with Conan can't be bad. Or children crying into a pillow.

This was drawn by a Mom peoples. And hand scripted inside. Best one, easily.

These win the best "Wha?" card as well as the only "Duplicate Card" award.
Quite an accomplishment. Rollercoaster? Whatevs.

Count Jake went the extra mile and did up a neato blood spattered card.
Burned it too. Yay!

I DON'T WANT THE STUFF THAT YOU DON'T WANT, SO STOP HANDING IT OUT TO ME.

PENNIES, QUARTERS, HALF DOLLARS, PENCILS, ERASERS, BRAZILIAN NUTS - ie RANDOM CRAZY SHIT: This is the lowest of the low in terms of Halloween treat giving. This is scum level territory. When you're an adult and you decide that any of these things, or even more berserk items, are a good idea - then you obviously missed out on your childhood somehow. And for this loss, I'm sorry.

Kids don't want you pocket change. They want goddamn candy. Candy by the fistfuls. Candy to get them through the dull November month ahead. CANDY! As for handing out school supplies...for real? You want to remind the kids of school while out on their once a year pagan sugar rampage? Stupid. Even Halloween themed or some other gimmicky shaped erasers are a no-no. School's not fun. Stop ruining the fun.
And nuts of any sort are bullshit. Unless they are soaked in chocolate and hidden inside of something called a "Snickers". I honestly got 3 or 4 Brazilian nuts one year. I was beside myself. I didn't realize it until I got home, which is a shame. I'd have loved to return the favor to their gas tank.

Wrapping up this sort of random crap from around your house and throwing it in opaque "treat bags" is a favorite way for these types of terrible people to hide their wrong doings. Cast a wary eye on such gifts, they inevitable contain sadness. Step on them in front of the giver. You're better off.

IF YOU ARE SCUM AND HAND THIS GARBAGE OUT: Prepare to find the stuff in your bushes, jammed into your lawn, stuffed in you mailbox, or thrown into your gutters. One year just prior to Halloween, out group of lil' bastards discovered the ol' hairspray and lighter flamethrower trick. It was a good Summer. What's more, we linked this reaction to cans of Silly String as well. This way we could take the stuff out on Halloween without turning any heads by dragging cans of hairspray around. And even one better, there was no need for a lighter because there were Jack-o-lanterns a plenty in the 'hood.

Anywho after some fucking Chud handed us a pile of Dixon Ticonderoga #2s, there only one thing to do. Once the dude had closed the door, presumably to masterbate on the glee of causing distress to kids dressed as skeletons and a Rubik's cube, we set upon his pumpkin with wicked intent. Man, that thing went up quick. Three cans or so of Silly String will casue quite the visible fireball in the October evening. I definitely recall peeing myself a little, such was the power of the laughter. Two or three more pumpkins were reduced to a grinning cinder that night.

GOBSTOPPERS: Yeah. I was into those pretty hardcore.

MR. BONES VS. WPSTGAMITBOYPAMATOGCSTS (MR. BONES WINS EVERY SINGLE TIME)

MR. BONES: OK, so somebody ruined the unveiling of today's awesome candy by blabbin' his cyber face in the comment section. Oh well, you can't control crazy, only harness it, point it in a direction, and hope for the best! But the point remains completely true. Mr. Bones was a pretty fucking dope candy to get. It was mega-rare, because most people suck and just get whatever for Halloween candy. Few folks think it through.

I still get excited when I see the stuff in CVS or whatever. My mind subconsciously scans the shelves for Mr. B during the October month. I can't control it. But it's been goddamn years since my last Mr. Bones encounter. Oh, where have you gone, you beautiful bastard? There's some bullshit impostor out there called Scary Skeletons, but they are bullshit. The candy isn't as hard and goes all powdery pretty quick. Fuck Scary Skeletons.

So, what is Mr. Bones? It's basically a crummy plastic coffin filled with various colored pez-like bones that you assemble to make...yup, Mr. Bones. But it was tough to assemble the fucker. You either were missing a precious bone, had three heads, or got a few busted bones bits which ended up being quite necessary. So you had to trade with your friends, but your friends are all dicks and generally withheld the precious finishing pieces and you just ate the shit bit by bit anyways because it's near impossible to just stare at candy when you're 10. As to gettin' a complete Mr. Bones all in one color? That's the stuff of legend. I heard some rich kid in the next neighborhood had one once, but it was probably bullshit.

Mr. Bones rules. Here's to you Fleer candy!


WPSTGAMITBOYPAMATOGCSTS: Now, the shit candy of the day. I don't even know what to call them. It took 10 minutes of various internet searches to even pull them up. For such hateful little things that are so hard to find, it sure seems like they always ended up in my haul. Always. Let's call them waxy-peanuty-shits that get all melty in the bottom of your pillowcase and make all the other good candies suffer their stink. Or WPSTGAMITBOYPAMATOGCSTS.

You knew from the second you set your eyes on that black or orange waxy lump of ass, that this stuff was no damn good. Hell, even the parents would toss 'em away because they were uber-suspect to tampering. Peanut buttery in nature, but gooey and mostly stuck tot he wrapper, these things sucked. They might have been the bomb in 1920, today, not so much. So, a hearty FUCK YOU to home owners who continue to perpetuate the existence of these worthless garbage candies by purchasing and distributing such crap.

IF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO GIVE THIS SHIT OUT TO KIDS: Fuck you. Instead of spending that whopping 2 bucks for 50 lbs of this crap, you should instead lay the 2 dollars on the ground and piss on it. Then, shutter your house, turn out your lights, and be that douche bag house on the street. You know, the one that isn't answering the door and will be missing lawn ornaments in the morning because you hate Halloween and are not paying the yearly Halloween tax which keeps your house on the "good list" in the minds of the neighborhood kids - thus protecting you investment from eggy transgressions during the night of October 30th.

HALLOWEEN SUPER SPECTACULAR #1! (SEE HOW I RESISTED THE URGE TO USE SPOOKTACULAR? IT'S CALLED STANDARDS PEOPLE.)

In the spirit of the single greatest, most ridiculous holiday on the US calendar, I'm gonna take a look at the best and shittiest Halloween candy a kid (ie, me a billion years ago) could get. One a day, along with helpful suggestions for folks intent on ruining childhood memories.

OK, let's begin with probably greatest abomination to the candy world....

NECCO WAFERS. If I wanted to eat flavored-ish chalk in an olde tyme wax paper format, I'd fire up my time machine, pack up a handful of sugar packets, go to a quarry in 1820, destroy my time machine (I've already brutally wasted it's potential) then die a horrible candy fueled intestinal mineral death. These things blow. Here's a fun fact from the NECCO website:

"The U.S. Government requisitioned a major portion of the production of NECCO Wafers during World War II. The candy doesn’t melt and is practically indestructible during transit, making it perfect for shipping overseas to the troops."

Sounds delicious. I especially loathe the "chocolate" flavored ones. My throat swells at the thought of them. And luckily, you can buy a whole roll of delicious dark dusty pain in pure faux chocolate form. Booyah! Thanks Oliver Chase and Silas Edwin! Try harder next time.

IF YOU'RE STUPID ENOUGH TO GIVE THEM OUT THIS YEAR: Expect retaliation. These things are pretty hard. So expect a hail of them to chip the paint on your car, injure your cat, put out an eye, clog your sewers, and serve as the medium for swastikas to be drawn on your driveway/house.

On the better side of things: Reese's Fucking Peanut Butter Cups. These things were the single most sought after item in my quest for sugar charged Halloween nirvana. I remember one year our group encountered some goon who left a big ass bowl of them on his porch, all alone with the note "Please take only one." We just sorta looked at each other, then shit went down like Lord of the Flies. 5-6 of the precious candies were crushed in the ensuing wrestling match. We walked off with at least 10 to a person. I don't remember the rest of the evening, I was wasted on chocolate and peanut butter.

Thank you Harry Burnett Reese. You rule. I'm not sure where all this peanut allergy bullshit came from, but I'm sure you could conquer it with enough of your delicious candies.