An oldie, but a goodie. Turkish Star Wars! I was cleaning out some old folders and found some choice screen caps I took ages ago from this chunkfest of a film. (If you have time to kill, and I mean kill, then check it out.) It's a fantastic mishmash of spliced footage and sounds from all sortsa movies, bloodthirsty muppets, jumps to defy imagination, tinfoil, frisbees, and almost no dancing. Google away and you can find the full film out there streaming. I, sadly, actually bought a physical DVD bootleg version with real money. It's around here somewheres...
But, the important thing is that there's is a whole lot of face crushing in this puppy. Even children are not safe from the cranium compression!
Well, feed them sandwiches and see if then un-skeleton.
Oh losers, when will you learn? Let the crushing begin.
Watched a terrible film the other evening with some friends, mostly because of the descriptive text and the inclusion of a small Colorado town:
After punks at school hand him a savage beating, gay teen McClain Evans (Michael O'Laskey II) secretly begins martial arts training with Karen O'Neil (director Diana Lee Inosanto), a woman who has her own axe to grind with the narrow-minded rural community. But as Evans learns to stand up to prejudice and hate, the boy and his sensei unleash a firestorm of controversy in their small Colorado town.
So I figured it'd be a goofy karate kid type thing with a gay teen angle and full of bad music and high school stereotypes. Well it went into darker AIDS fear fueled territory for the most part, and pretty quick. But the over the top-ness of the family that I guess lived stuffed in a church basement, the Ramones-esque main character, actually decent karate, and the ridiculous school bullies helped ease the pain. As did the most excellent acting.
But most of all the whiteman version of Tim Meadows made it sing. Couldn't get it out of my head once it was pointed out by Mr. Sandwich. Also, despite the box cover, there were no sword fights or climactic showdows. Not enough lasers either. I wanted lasers.
I'm slowly working my way through all the Halloween films right now. I know the 1st one very well, as it is a milestone for horror, but the rest are mostly a blur in my head. I've seen them all at some point in life, but they just never really stuck. Outside of the ludicrousness of the genre-bending tour de force that was Halloween III: Season of the Witch, of course. You can scrub all you want, but the custard filled evil robots remain. The one thign that did stick with me, after it was pointed out, was the fact that Michael Myers is the one slasher villian that drives a car. Which is awesome.
Anywho, the original and part 2 are great because they sorta smash together to make on 3 hour long slash-o-fest. Thanks to the way the second film picks up seconds after where the original left off. But even there signs of the goofery to come were present.
Mainly when Michael's crazy doctor, Sam Loomis played by Donald Pleasence, starts waving a gun at every kid that's wearing anything like the Myers mask. This culminates in an amazing scene where some poor dumbass kid in a mask has Loomis threaten to shoot his ass, only to wander into the street where he is promptly hit by a car. A car which then hits a parked truck and explodes, with the kid imapled on the front bumper. The scene ends with the kid smashed and on fire. But in a funny way. Hey, don't take my word for it.
More importantly the scene from part 2 solidifies the series' true star. No, not Michael Myers silly! The mighty madman - Dr. muthalovin' Loomis! Since the entire series seems to have derailed big time, might as well just go with whatever and let Donald Pleasence go bezerk. So, they pretty much devoted the entire 4th film to Loomis' nutty adventures. Which make sense because they goofed up the friggin' Michael Myers mask and set up some way crap lighting. The film's monster was so goofy in every scene, there was zero menace. I kept thinking to myself that he looked more like Data from Star Trek TNG than anything else.
Now, check out some the many gem filled stills from Halloween 4 I took featuring the good doctor.
Sam surveys the scene of an ambulance Myers wrecked during his mostly off screen escape. The cops are just too busy to even look and count how many bodies are present. They figure, "Welp, that's that." So Loomis steps up.
After surviving a completely unsurvivable explosion in the 2nd film's climax, Loomis now sports a jaunty scar, crumbly hands, and a limp. Not to bad for being in confined space blown apart by volumes of volatile gas and fire mixing. It's like a video game, except Loomis doesn't instantly die when he falls in water.
Donald did his own stunts. Action Pleasence!
Thus he earned his on screen boozin'. I've no doubt he was half in the bag during most of the filming. One anecdote from shooting was that Donald had a hat on his head to keep warm during some night shots. No one noticed it (par for the film in general) and the character of Dr. Loomis with a goofy hat was never really established. Sooooo they had to do a whole nights worth of shooting again the next evening.
More Action Pleasense! Though I think this is a stunt dude, since Pleasence would obviously want any stunt he performed to be lit. By lights and stuff. You know, a lit scene.
Now begins the incredulence of Loomis. He seriously wonders inside "Why won't anyone take my insane ass seriously?" "Look at my scar man, it changes in each scene! That's some serious shit!" "Where are your guns?"
The best Myers moment (there was only one) was the face ripping of a dude as he was driving. It was rad.
OK, now that Myers has been vanquished by guns (didn't work before, but now it does? Okdoke.) A bloody Dr. Loomis is thankful to have survived Michales latest rampage.
But no! The twist ending we all saw coming from the 10th minute in is upon us! Who would have thought Michael Myers' niece would have taken up his murderous ways! Shocker!
This shot and expression wraps it all up really. So many more films to go...
Heh. Hot nuts.
Lastly I leave you with the guy responsible for shitting everything up. Alan McElroy. He wrote the script in 11 days. Because he needed to get it done before a writer strike took effect. Great job dude!
Le notti del Terrore or Burial Ground is just another phenomenal Italio-gore zombie gore flick bonanza. Sweet goofy rubber masks, maggots everywhere, tempura by the bucket full, half-made up zombies/dudes with green make-up in the rear ranks, and a plot written in between the prima pasti and secundo pasti of an average evening cena.
But this movie decided to excel above most others when it hired Peter Bark. Now one of the top contenders for creepy man-boy in all of horror cinema. Is it a boy? Is it a man? You're not too sure early on. Why hire such a creepy-ass kid? Surely there has to be some other kid worthy of this part? As the plot unfolds (Well, "stuff that happens", not so much worthy of the noun "plot" - though it is worth noting these zombies used tools like shovels and power saws, which is better than any plot I can think of) the answer becomes clear that he's an adult midget creature, for legal reasons. And these are late 70's Italian legal reasons, which I'd assume are pretty loose.
Anywho - here, in youtubey deeplinks linked via the tantalizing screenshots below (because we want to get to the good stuff right meooooooooow) are Peter Bark's best (and only really) screen moments.
Petey wakes up because he knows his momma is bangin' that dude in the next room. (5 secs)
Peter is freakishly scared. (10 secs)
Peter is still scared, though the audience is probably more frightened of him. (10 secs)
Petey can't take the zombie horror anymore he needs...something. (30 secs)
Our plucky man-boy has a huge crotch area and a jaunty trot. (5 secs)
But he's a dumbass and get's zombified. Mamma however doesn't care. This can't be good, right? Correction this is amazing. (watch until the end)
Douchebags go snowboarding. Get on ski lift when they probably shouldn't. Stuck. TERROR! WOLVES! COLD! STUPID! This is a movie. Someone compared it to JAWS. Even in the vaguest, cast off to the side reference, such an utterance is blasphemy. The only relationship I can see is that the film industry has jumped over a certain aquatic critter. I suggest they change the title from Frozen to Fail Lift. Any better ideas?
When a film ends on the Netflix freebie streaming player a screen pops up that feels just like end of an old NES game. Ya know, the crummy one screen ending you're rewarded with after hours of playing that features maybe a new graphic or a flashing bunch of colors with a single line of text displaying "You are win, let's challenge the stage again !!". Such was the case with Time Barbarians.
I'm huge and buttery!
Barbarian dudes, seriously effeminate evil barbarian dudes, a glowing bunch of rocks named Moltor or some shit, a severed hand, people's barbarian names changing (Gronkor, no wait Griftor, or was it Kogor?) all over the place, and a sword that teleports to LA when necessary. The sword and sorcery genre is almost impossible to do right. It's just so goofy. And when you consistently star muscled up acting tour de forces from American Gladiators, it only amplifies your chance of failure.
Over The Top II?
Speaking of failure, I was greeting by nightmare in miniature form once more the other day. During some research on ancient lead filled GW miniatures to sell on eBay I found a true chamber of model horror. Our topless friend below is but a taste of the bad taste to behold. Dare ye clicketh here? So, I pose this dual question to all 3 of you out there. What is the most disappointing video game ending you've experienced and please locate even worstest naked miniatures from the internets to scoff at. Scavenger hunt!
It all started with some back and forth about a Cobraman from a shitty movie named Dreamscape. It stars the evil gang dude who shot Cyrus in Warriors as a dreammaster-man who invades your shit and performs karate with space nunchucks and turns into a Cobraman that terrifies you. Then Cobraman gets a dream spear through the chest, utters "Daddy?" and dies. Awesome premise, bad execution. I believe the quote was "I was put into the Dreamscape while watching this trash." or something along those lines.
Anywho, the spirit of bad movie Tuesday from the dark, dim past known as "college" has been resurrected on some crazy blog I found. It's run my the mighty Shao Fe Combat Master. He is a Goliath ganger who spent all his skill upgrades on throw, just so that he could hurl you off the ledges and precipices in the nightmare underhives of Necromunda. When Shao Fe is not busy pumping up his Cawdor huckin' gunz, he spends down time at his gang's hideout with unsavory types like Robert Ginty, Harper, Demonfeet Warmonger, Ozzy, Calibus, Captain Delaware, and Animal Mother watching films and then rating them on some beserk 5 star system.
P.S. Shao Fe is not who you think he is, so don't bother with assuming his name is Scot on any comment posts. He insists on being refered to ONLY as Shao Fe Combat Master. Or SFCM for short. Serious.
So I finally subjected myself to a viewing of this LA cult hit film thing called The Room. I had heard about it on the webz, but never pursued the acquisition of it on DVD or even a general viewing. Unlike other such schlock cinema as Bulletproof and Hider In The House (which I had to get from a Region 2 DVD and reburn to Region 1) - which were a bit of work to pick up. But those films were all about Busey. So there's that. Anyways, I was mainly turned off of The Room by:
1. LA 2. It's taken on a Rocky Horror type following in the theatres 3. It was featured in Entertainment Weekly 4. It didn't have monsters or lasers or any other type of that junk 5. No Gary Busey
However, this film came to me highly recomended by Mr. Waters, my main broheimus of 20 some years. This is the guy who willingly suffered through Manos The Hands of Fate when it 1st hit the airwaves, snuck into countless R films with me during our tweens, and suffered through too many other shit films to mention during the college years instead of working on our respective degrees. How could I say no?
So he sat me down and popped it in. He prefaced that it is best to watch this interview with director/star Tommy Wiseau before starting the film. He's a cross between a 600 year old vampire and a mildly retarded person who laughs at everything as part of an uncontrollable tic. The interview alone is fucking priceless. This guy is a gem. Re-dubbed voices, film jumps, preposerous logos, and inane questions galore. It seemed like a fake, like something Tim and Eric would do. But apparently it's all the real deal. Though I still feel in my gut like it's a big joke put on by some smart rich bastard with a bunch of start up money.
So, here's a slew of clips culled from the pits of YouTube so you too can bask in the garbage, but not have to lose a piece of your soul watching the whole thing. Though you do miss out on seeing the homeless street urchin kid character named Denny, the creepiest/best dude of the film. He should be the sole subject of the sequel: Denny's Rampage - A drug addled streetchild turned architect's dream of a vampire cruelty-free world.
This clip is super short and sums up the quality you can expect. It also features a bewildering array of emotions. Also, it features the super cool roof stairway that is really some plywood painted to look like concrete and has no stairs and doesn't go anywhere.
Here we see our Vampire hero getting some flowers for his evil potato faced girlfriend. All you need to know is, "You're my favorite customer."
In this lengthy romp, some brave soul compiled every instance of Tommy Wiseau's laugh, then his crazy downfall at the end of the film. He does this creepy little laugh all the time and it's quite ridiculous to boot. I've taken to imitating it. Help me.
Yes, we have brought the cardbord and tempera.
Well, feed them sandwiches and see if then un-skeleton.
Oh losers, when will you learn? Let the crushing begin.
Childrened!
I know there's a coin behind your eyes damn it!
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