Slayer Placemat

NO ONE'S SAFE

2011-10-07T12:15:00.003-04:00

No nonononono I see what you did there. Turns out comic book based shows can make make crazee ca$$$$h, and AMC has been making the big networks look bad. So, we'll grab a comic property of our own (Fables) and let it sit forever while we decide whether to do this or not. But wait, said comic is based on public domain figures you say? Hmmm, let's just grab the ideas, slap some LOST writers on it, not pay the original writer, and do this on our own! Hey, we did LOST, remember?

Basically, talent would have to be paid accordingly. Which is so 1960. Sooooo ABC would rather make up their own version (now with shitty LOST Easter Eggs!) of the story with characters that are already public domain than have to pay for any Fables talent. Plus they have complete control to stuff LOST bullshit in there as they please. Here's to riding the LOST train into the ground. Wheeeeeeooooooooo!

I'm hoping/guessing 6 episodes, canceled, and no lesson learned - instead of acknowledging/paying for talent and having something potentially great. Excellent job asshats.

Fuck. You.

2011-09-21T11:10:00.003-04:00

When it came time for pops to buy a meat grinder due to dissatisfaction with standard store bought ground beef - he went for the top shelf. The Turbo shelf. The same shelf that now holds his Ferarri wine bottler as well as the STX TURBOFORCE.

MINTY MAD

2011-09-19T11:19:00.003-04:00

So another year goes by.

I received a sweet 1st Ed. copy of At The Mountains Of Madness this morning. There's a weird reflection on the cover that makes it look otherwise, but it's like it just came off the printer in '64.

Oh, I breathed it in. Yum.

ON LIFE SUPPORT, BUT ALIVE or I GOT LAZY.

2011-09-15T17:02:00.003-04:00

Ha, I'd never forget this tried and true vein of wordsmith grandeur! Here's a new samplin' of trashy wordzzzzz - go:

Oh Saved By The Bell. Not good enough for the Disney Channel, but eventually just fine for the TBS - THE SUPERSTATION. Remember those F'd up schedule times? Everything was on at like 4:05 or 10:10 or some multiple of :05. To make it weirder it was also channel 5 back home.

I ramble with direction(?). Maybe the original incarnation "Good Morning Miss Bliss" didn't stay on the Disney channel due to the director's porn star name. What was with Boner and the 80's. Growing Pains had a friggin' character named Boner. What made it OK to use Boner as nickname? How did he get it? Why didn't we get to see that very special episode crossover with Blossom? Or maybe it was the god awful theme song. Argh.

Anyways, perhaps it was due to a young Urkel Jaleel White being present in the pilot episode. Lawd knows his soon to be un-mind-wipable character was dying to get out of it's skin after that one Oreo commercial. Man they also gave his ass a sweet Isetta to drive around in later seasons if I recall.

I'm going to go swing wooden swords at things while wearing a man dress.

LET'S MAKE TRASH FUN or NIGHTMARES FOR ALL

2011-07-14T12:05:00.004-04:00

Here are some creepy ass trashcans from a boardwalk kiddie fun zone type place. They've been there for years and always plagued my sleep a little. Especially the panda, that one's face is all crumpled and looks like it's about to explode.

DO THEY HAVE A UNCF IN CHINA?

2011-07-10T09:01:00.004-04:00

This ironical Space Shuttle ladden sidebar ad was flashing on the side of one of my crummy email accounts. I guess kids have to adjust the whole "astronaut!" thing when they answer this well worn question. Lil' dudes should probably start with "learn Chinese!" before they jump to astronaut.

VEGAS. WHY?

2011-06-21T13:03:00.008-04:00

Vegas is loud and obnoxious and dumb. Being stuck here an extra pair of days alone is only cementing my dislike for this hole. Staring at a fake Statue of Liberty isn't helping. Or the pool closing at 5. Or the inability to find edible food for under 30 bucks. Ugh. I'll admit some affinity for the downtown old Vegas stuff, with the crazy lights and stuff. But the strip is just, yeech. So, here's just a few snapshots of the reasons why this place sucks so badly.

I dunno, sure.

Sluts love them some Eiffel Tower shaped drinks. Comes in three flavors!

Hunter S Thompson wouldn't need drugs to freak out nowadays.
Shit like this is everywhere.

Bang trucks are everywhere.

Crummy Transformers.

Nightmare clowns with balloons.

MJ and Robot MJ.

Topiary shaped like motorcycles.

Yup.

For after a hard day of slots tournaments.

Rug horror after horror. The tacky design levels are set to kill.

More yuck.

This entire sign is offensive.

Fuck.

Getting dizzy now.

Maniacal slots? Check.

Vampires? Yeah.

I slipped into another dimension for a moment here.

Spelling?

I love gold.

320,000 credits of Romance.

Cherries with pants.

You can't keeps cats out of anything. Same goes for glitter.

THE GREATEST PHOTOGRAPH EVER TAKEN (DIGITALLY)

2011-06-09T15:13:00.002-04:00

I don't know who is responsible for it, but it is exemplary.

THE RETURN OF HAROLD AND THE RISE OF JL421 BADONKADONK

2011-06-06T16:09:00.009-04:00

Remember Hobo Pete & Harold? Of course you do, you're a loyal Placemaniac. He kept haunting me via pop-up ads wherever I traveled. And he was the subject of a pile of photoshops, bunches of which I have yet to post. (Review the Hobo Pete/Harold Saga here: 0 1 2 3 4)

So anyway, I was stalking Amazon's lesser known regions and came across The Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank. Yes, click the link, I'll wait.

I guess you can sell anything on Amazon. This super neat tank has a comment section that beats the band. But it was seriously lacking something in the customer photos section. So I fixed that. Enter outdated photos of M & 19th Street DC, the Badonkadonk, a dash of Harold - and you get internet magic. Just scroll over a few images on the view all customer images for the full effect. Or hit the image below.

There is a secret, unique pleasure to posting complete bullshit on public sites. I learned everything I know from the Canadian master in this area.

NO, NO, REALLY, IT'S SUBTLE. AND TASTEFUL.

2011-06-03T09:49:00.004-04:00

Your right conscious, I've been wasting my life. Painting plastic and metal models for sad sad wargames is a fucking lame. I should instead be catching animals, stuffing them, mounting them on a wall, and then painting beer logos and flaming skeletons onto them. That's some deep respect right there. Had Jesus known about Bud Light or America whilst on the cross, he would have made a mental note to tell pops that all species of sharks and fish need beer logos or flags emblazoned onto their skin.

Give you one guess which state the purveyor of these fine wares resides. Nah, you don't even need one guess. This sums it up nicely.

LATE, BUT MOVING ALONG

2011-06-02T10:10:00.004-04:00

I got a late start on garden crap this year, but it's finally starting to show some positive signs of life. Yes, they are but lil' sprouts, but soon they will be delicious.

And the growing season couldn't have started off better. Two weeks of rain soaking hell, then a week of stupid sunny heat death. The results were explosive for late May. Yay!

BAND NAME WIN: SHARKLEGS

2011-05-26T15:16:00.004-04:00

Sharklegs' song - Dragon's Bane. They get additional bonus points for singing about dragons. Just listen to the 1st 30 seconds and quit. I think they'd make an excellent opener for Rattler. But on the other hand, no one should have to face the impossible task of opening for Rattler.

EBAY GETS WORSE

2011-05-26T10:21:00.004-04:00

Budge. So the powers that be have passed a new decree on how they calculate ebay seller status. Status sets how your stuff ranks in the search. Higher the status, the better chance you have to get plucked into the search results. Besides the search hierarchy being budge in the first place, now the requirements penalize low volume sellers. I have a rather sterling record as a seller, but I didn't sell enough in a yearly period. So my super cool dude status got bumped down a peg. Lame.

Ebay has been on the decline for about 5 years now, especially on the small seller end of things. Sellers have almost no power in disputes, take it in ass if a buyer doesn't want to pay the "unreasonable" (read: actual) shipping costs, and have to prove 6 ways to Sunday that someone might be (read: is) threatening negative feedback to extort cash back. Mega Sellers could give a shit. The volume of stuff covers they churn out buries any blemishes in days.

Don't get me started on the "Buy It Now" fest that the place has become. Auctions? Ha. Double dipping with Paypal? Ha. Final value fee increases? Ha. Some auctions incur more fees than others based on category? Ha. Does it matter that you've been a constant user with an excellent track record for a decade now? Ha. If you don't make us enough money, you can eat it.

GREY AREAS or THIS MALL HAS TOO MANY RULES

2011-05-24T16:39:00.003-04:00

What exactly constitutes excessive loitering?

Doesn't the basic definition of loitering involve an excessive qualifier to begin with?

Also, no dirt bike jumps and no dangerous Hoveround races.

This place has too many rules.

THE GUM MUST BE DELICIOUS BY NOW

2011-05-20T12:03:00.005-04:00

I wasn't spending the 20 bucks.

No matter how loud Boom Box Bryan was shouting my name inside my head.

TIRED OF THE BALDWIN BROTHERS

2011-05-11T13:28:00.002-04:00

Another sweet missive from a robot. (click to read)

Yeah! Junkmail rules!

DIGGING HURTS

2011-05-09T11:30:00.004-04:00

After two determined days of digging (in sessions a week apart to help heal all injuries) the garden plot is looking real nice. It's easily double what I used to have. Thanks to the old lady and our Cuban mercenary, the plot took half the time it woulda all by my lonesome. There's still lots of roots and crap to sort out, but the majority of the heavy lifting is behind me. Due to the lack of bloodthirsty bastard mosquitoes, this garden should be less scary to tend too. Now to figure out what to plant and stuff.

First one to send me a Garden Yeti wins a framed, autographed photo of yous truly in a saucy dress.

NOW I KNOW WHAT ALARM LOOKS LIKE. I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH A WHOOP THOUGH.

2011-05-05T17:28:00.003-04:00

Found this helpful, yellowed instruction sheet on a hotel door.

WE'RE SORRY SIR, THERE ARE FIVE OTHERS

2011-04-22T12:48:00.002-04:00

OK, fine, I'll take Frodo 6.

ASSHAT TAKES TO THE RING!

2011-04-21T09:40:00.003-04:00

A simple yet enduring pleasure, the joy of custom names in old 8-bit games.

A THIN CRUST APPLE II PIZZA PLEASE - TO GO

2011-04-13T09:52:00.001-04:00

With extra Oregon Trail.

FAMICLONE DEATHZONE

2011-04-11T11:03:00.008-04:00

Ma' fuckin' Super Megason yo. Personal fight and laser blatin' "New" gun guaranteed!

I've been looking at various famiclone systems online. What's that you ask? Basically the guts of a Nintendo or Sega or whatever are slapped onto a chip then jammed into the nearest oddly shaped piece of plastic fail you have lying around. It's then sold for 10 dollars, renamed some berzerk shit using as many "supers" as possible, and plastered with barely related imagery to catch your eye. You know, the weird more than likely foreign based super systems loaded with 70 games that you see at crazy flea markets and dollar stores. Some of them are straight up amazing. Here's but a few to gander upon. Check a full list of known clones here if you're so inclined. Waste some time and dig up some gems.

Oh yes, obviously this is the one I really want.
Check the shape and 4 button hotness controller.

You'll find a definite footie theme going on with some of these.
But this one is going to far.

Gold Leopard King comes with melty controllers and Laser Tag approved gun.

Hey, Simba's Strider sounds like Spider. Spider...hmmm...Spiderman! PRINT IT!

Mortal soccer in space above the deadly holo-planet. Note: Super action set is good, not great.

BITZ-N-SCAMMIN'

2011-04-05T23:03:00.004-04:00

One of the more amusing (at least to me and other scam-n-flip on eBay folks) aspects of this dork event called Acon is the late night "bits trade". Basically everyone empties out their closet of unwanted junk and tries to either trade for new junk or just straight sell the shit. They take over any empty table space, corner and hallway to create an insane-o gamer fleamarket.

It springs up out of nowhere and throngs of nerds clamor for the best bargain. The haggling is often quite amusing, though it can get dickish pretty quick with the wrong folks. It's a big live action eBay grab fest, but themed to carry some of my favorite dorky models n' things.

The original spirit is still there, though some take it a bit far and essentially open mini-stores. Going so far as to buy big lots from one dude, then walking 10 feet to a new table and selling it at a mark up. All's fair I suppose.

Personally, I love fleamarkets and stuff like this. The sad giddy thrill of overturning some crap pile and unearthing some gem from years past. So I wander about and hope to maybe find a Rogue Trader era Ork in power armor or maybe some goofy ass miniature from when I was younger. And of course the odd rare/valuable bit of lead that can help fund the trip in the first place...

I've one guaranteed compatriot in this venture at this specific convention. He's the Chicago version of myself, down to the name even. Though he is way more vested in this grab and sell adventure than me. And quite good at it too. But, it's always nice to get a call from Chi Ty sayin' there's some ancient stuff I just gots ta check out on the other side of the hall.

So, the end of this long winded missive (phone blog capability is dangerous stuff) is to simply point out that I scored some totally sweet old ass style epic scale Orks, Chaos, and Imperial Titan heads and weapons. Yeah!

- Acon 2011 fun blog edition.

RANDOM DULL TABLE SHOTS AND BORING GAME COMMENTARY

2011-04-05T23:02:00.004-04:00

I generally go to Acon to hang out with old pals, be a giant nerd, and play in a Lord of the Rings tournament. As you can see from the grainy photo above, it's blistering excitement. My first day started out great with a super nice dude who was pleasant and fun to roll dice against. He made a few mistakes, but mostly I had some hot dice and a wicked Nazgul chewing dudes up like candy. I was off and running to a fine beginning.

Which soon ended! Next some dude's Fiefdom army pert much crushed my poor little mans. Shot above shows the high hopes my army had for 10 minutes or so. The guy eventually won the event, so at least there's that. The scenario had the worst extra rule bit out of all the rules bits in all the scenarios ever written for this game. A frustrating little 4+ die roll that seems just plain impossible to make. It was out if my reach for sure. And it just went bad after that... Getting slaughtered isn't the funnest thing, but the dice straight abandoned me during this game. I settled in and laughed off the fact that 2 models made it out alive. Such is life!

The next game was a bit more fun and challenging. The kid was unassuming and quiet. Had to laugh when he asked what classes I was taking now. So I asked how old he thought I was, and to keep in mind that I'm old. He pegged me at 23. Har. I'm agin' pretty well playing this Peter Pan bullshit.

But the kid was a straight math killer. And a pilot of some sort, so I guess it makes sense. Dude had his army dialed, the total opposite of my situation given that it was the 3rd time I had ever used my force. It was super fun and light hearted. I even threw in quick lightning round turn at the end so he could get the victory he deserved, even though I coulda called it a game and taken the points. Just a good time had there.

In the end I picked up the one nerdy thing I desired most at this and all such events. Best army. (upside down photo courtesy of exhaustion.) Sure it's not the toughest award to collect in this smaller field of competitors, but I certainly put some effort into earning it. My twisted, humped back stands as proof to the hours I spent in pursuit of this sad sad accolade. Sadly it looks like picking this up on Friday went against winning the same award for the team tournament the next day. Anyway, it was a full 10 hour gaming day preceded by a tiring, restless evening - at the end of this sucker I was pretty drained.

Lucky I had a super sexy manly man to relax with, talk gossip, and trade secrets with later that evening.

- Acon 2011 fun blog edition.

SHOWER FOR FOUR

2011-04-02T00:56:00.003-04:00

More ridiculous? Two shower heads as well.

- Acon 2011 fun blog edition.

FORCE WAS REQUIRED or SQUEAKY ANGRY WHEEL GETS THE GREASE PLANE

2011-03-31T16:52:00.002-04:00

10 Easy steps to plane travel success.

1: The weather. Plane is late due to stupid Florida. Normally, this is no big deal. I understand the miracle of flight and that tornadoes eat planes.

2: Connect-o-horror. Problem arises when it looks like the connecting flight is gonna leave without me due to the delay. I get called up and the nice lady swaps the connector to one that leaves an hour later at the next airport. Super. Sounds great. Better than waiting 6 hours for the next direct flight.

3: Enter the irony. Plane makes good time, excellentin fact. I check the big board when we land for the connecting gate number. Huzzah! It's 4 hours late (estimated) thus making the original "forget waiting 6 hours" plan look like it would have been a better idea.

4: Circumstance goes for the dick punch. A bit deflated, I scan the board some more. Looks like my original connector was delayed as well- and is currently boarding. A quick run down the airport and I spy the 2 folks I was to meet up with and fly out with. But, I don't have a ticket for this plane. I used to, an hour ago, but now I don't. Yay! So I solemnly turn my back on them.

5: Get in line. I head to the flight desk thing as the plane starts to board. As luck would have it, there is a lovely line full of angry people who want to go to Florida. (no joke) My kind of people! Ugh. I just need to get on the plane that is boarding right now to Chicago.

6. Dickery part one. They start announcing stand-by names for the flight I used to be on. I'm 10 deep in the help line, easy. I begin politely asking these Floridians if I could jump ahead to talk to the lady as you see time is important and that plane over there that is boarding is my target flight and yours isn't slated for another hour or so according to the big board. To which I receive several "nah, I was here first" replies and go fuck yourself stares.

7: Alls fair in dickery and dickery. Another name gets the stand-by call. No one replies. The lady calls out for any other stand-by folks. I leap ahead of the stupid Floridians and several stand-by folks shouting "wait, me" or something thick. Timidity and pleasantry will not win the day, I realize.

8: A plea on deaf ears. I go through the story and show my previous itinerary with the flight number. She looks sad and asks why I didn't come up earlier. I reply that the line was full of assholes who wouldn't let medi such a thing She says sorry, but there are no more seats. The only way one is to get one of those 2 people over there in the tunnel to give up their seat. Ugh. Well, at least it was a chance.

9. Southern fuckatality. I give the story and show my proofs to the lucky 2 and that their seat is in fact logically my seat as neither of them were on this plane originally. Fate has messed with my day and is there any chance you could see ti helping me out? The red headed Southern lady bitch wouldn't sell you a smile. She wasn't having any of it. So I turned to the other dude.

10. A human after all. Ignoring the redheaded lady's "ignoring you" gaze. I ask the business dude. He's cool with it and says no problem, go for it. So at the end of a tunnel of dickish humanity, a compassionate soul. Hooray for humans.

Yum. Pretzels and comics. On a plane.

- Acon 2011 fun blog edition.

OFF TO A GREAT START or FLORIDA, GO TO HELL

2011-03-31T12:16:00.002-04:00

Awesome times from the get go! I was hoping to start the Acon fun blog edition off with heartwarming photos of old friends well met. But. Yeah. Weather in my favoritest state of our great union, Florida, is affecting flights all over the board. Instead you get a photo of a giant reptile trying to open doors so that it can better eat cats. It does this because all the homeless people it normally eats tend to carry unbreakable plastic Vodka bottles and makes it sick.

So I sit in the airport and wait and watch the flight delay grow and wave goodbye to my connecting flight and the all good times this time drain is gobbling up. Yay! Florida +1!

See, it's a great place to be. Abuela agrees. (also iPhone wants to turn the word Abuela into Whirls reeeeeeeally badly. ) The only positive, is that this here phone bloggy app is working pretty well.

- Acon 2011 fun blog edition.

TURKISH DELIGHT = FACE CRUSHING

2011-03-21T16:56:00.007-04:00

Yes, we have brought the cardbord and tempera.

An oldie, but a goodie. Turkish Star Wars! I was cleaning out some old folders and found some choice screen caps I took ages ago from this chunkfest of a film. (If you have time to kill, and I mean kill, then check it out.) It's a fantastic mishmash of spliced footage and sounds from all sortsa movies, bloodthirsty muppets, jumps to defy imagination, tinfoil, frisbees, and almost no dancing. Google away and you can find the full film out there streaming. I, sadly, actually bought a physical DVD bootleg version with real money. It's around here somewheres...

But, the important thing is that there's is a whole lot of face crushing in this puppy. Even children are not safe from the cranium compression!

Well, feed them sandwiches and see if then un-skeleton.

Oh losers, when will you learn? Let the crushing begin.

Childrened!

I know there's a coin behind your eyes damn it!

SORRY DRIPPY GHOSTS, SHADOWS, AND POLTERGEISTS, YOU ARE OUT OF LUCK (AND DRIPPY)

2011-03-18T10:30:00.004-04:00

Shit's biased against incorporeal creatures.

JAPAN, YOU ARE MY HERO

2011-03-17T17:30:00.006-04:00

I'm a big fat unabashed lover of Japanese culture, its cinema legends, samurai related history, tasty teas, crazy precise tank model kits, Nintendo stuff, giant monsters, and the just plain wonderful weirdness that comes out of that island nation.

As such, the wreckage of said nation has sat black with me. I'm certainly not Japanese, know no Japanese folks (natives), have no family in Japan or any other ties to that land. I should by all means not be a fan of Japan given that both my grandfathers spend lots of time dodging kamikaze attacks and type 38 Arisaka rounds.

However, it left me sad to see the videos of destruction and hear tales of people being swept away by walls of water. Then I started seeing images of victims with nothing left after the wave, waiting in orderly lines for a cup of water. Or patiently doling out equal cups of soup. Or taking up only a certain amount of space in the shelters. This adherence to fairness is self-imposed as well.

Cops don't have their hands completely full with jackasses jumping lines and bashing TVs onto puppies. It's astounding. Now they're not superbeings without greed, hate or avarice, I know that. But overall the public has responded in a much more civilized manner to such absolute desolation than, say, just about any group of Americans during the dreaded Black Friday sales. It's inspiring in a way.

Now, couple this devastated nation's plight with a pending nuclear catastrophe. What do you get in the news?

Americans buying every single ounce of fucking potassium iodide they can get their goddamn fucking shit hands on. Because people in LA are wondering how this radioactivity will affect them. Christ. Get over yourself America.

So this week's mood has gone from bleakness, then to respect, and now to anger. Woo. Hoo. I think I miss bad movie night more than ever, as it used to ease these things from my brain.

But, at the end of the day, Japan, you are still my hero. (But I think you already knew that.)

THERE'S SOME SORT OF DRONING BACKGROUND NOISE IN MY HEAD or GIGA PUDDI

2011-03-10T10:49:00.003-05:00

Are you having a day filled with deep, meaningful thoughts? Currently deep in concentration, attempting PUDDI PUDDI!!! to solve some riddle or puzzle. Or perhaps PUDDI PUDDI!!! you are enjoying a complex piece PUDDI PUDDI!!! of literature PUDDI PUDDI!!! and totally getting what the author intended. You could PUDDI PUDDI!!! even bePUDDI PUDDI!!! contemplating a well thought out film PUDDI PUDDI!!! GIGA PUDDI!!! you recently saw.

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P.S. Imagine JPS in this video and replace custard with flan. Only makes it better.

MY MIND JUST WENT 'PAFF' or BALROGS NEED AIRLINE MILES TOO

2011-03-02T17:23:00.004-05:00

Lately I've been passing the time spent painting stupid little models listening to various podcasts. One of which is a college lecture podast on Tolkien's works. As such, I've learned a thing or two. Mainly that I've made an incorrect assumption my entire life. Never thought twice about it. I can take some solace in the fact that this is not entirely all my fault. Essentially, 99% of the artwork and imagery associated with the beastie known as a Balrog is incorrect.

Balrogs don't have fucking wings.

Turns out it's all a misconstrued simile. When the Balrog shows up in Moria, the flame and shadow it exudes is a representation of its power. A shadowy form is wreathed within the flame and darkness like a cloak of sorts. The line:

"His enemy halted again, facing him, and the shadow
about it reached out like two vast wings."

- isn't a hard description. It's a simile. The shadow spreads out, but never became solid, real deal wings. The phenomena stands in juxtaposition to the light Gandalf emits. Ol' G-dogg might have ended up with wings as well if Tolkien had worded it as such! Again:

“It stepped forward slowly onto the bridge, and suddenly
it drew itself up to a great height, and its wings were spread from wall to wall”

Same deal, just spreading out some more. But still no wings as such. Just the Balrog flexing its power. Besides, the Balrog friggin' fell off the bridge when Gandalf busted it - and was scared. When it took the plunge it let out: “a terrible cry,”.

Now I need to go off and realign my brain. I guess I should have trusted the Ted Naismith depictions all along...

8 BIT GODS AND MOUTHBREATHING MILLENNIALS

2011-02-28T16:39:00.000-05:00

Castlevania. Level 5. Stage 15. Grim Reaper.

Oh man. I've spent a buncha of time with a buncha different Castlevania titles and this stage + boss combo still haunts me. The image above is likely a ROM capture with a game save feature enabled (save whenever, whereever you want). Just way too many hearts, full life, and III Holy Water. Yeah, no.

The stage leading up to the Grim Reaper fight is pretty rough. Way too many erratic little Igor bastards jumping around and pain in the ass regenerate-o red skeletons. Though the stage is loaded with secret hidden treasures and a rare 1up, so it's point heavy. But, points are secondary to survival here. Once you manage to survive the level and meet the boss, often beat to shit, it gets worse. Sure, it's a breeze if you've made it this far with Holy Water and II or III throw, since there's a one hit glitch that pins the undead bastard in place while he burns. But, that's pretty rare stuff and you need a pile of Hearts to fuel it.

Generally you make it there with a boomerang and a few Hearts. And even with the super useful boomerang, the Grim Reaper is a mafucker. So much so that if you do kill him, his animated scythes still remain and continue to do damage until the magic glow ball finally appears to end the level. Which has happened several times. The high of victory coupled with the horror of defeat, seconds later, is too much to bear. You basically go tin there and hoped he'd fall into a bouncy pattern on one side of the screen so that his accursed scythes would appear on the other.

Castlevania is a game of pixel precision and the Grim Reaper hucks so much crap at you from weird angles, it makes for an unpredictable maze of doom. If you fall to the floor below, you're done. Get hit and bounce in a bad direction - done. Poorly timed jump - done. I break into a sweat thinking about battling the guy. But there are those who would walk among us mortals as 8 bit Gods. The video link above is one example. Initial whip form. No sub weapon. No damage taken. Grim Reaper - toast. Amazing.

Then, there's the sloppy bastard nerds who need to get the fuck off the internet and stop clogging it with their sticky, hair covered, thumb ridden, poorly quoted pop culture video content.

This particular special person has 4 videos, totaling about 35 minutes of some of the worst Castlevania skills I've ever seen - complete with mouth-breathin' bad nerd commentary. I've linked out to one choice hunk of terrible gameplay above. It also contains piles of lovely evidence that nerd culture needs to fucking die already. It's been glommed onto by the lowest common denominator that I don't even know where to draw the line anymore. This particular videodude makes several boasts about how Castlevania was great "back in the day" (he sounds 17) when he played it and how it was his first game.

Well, I call bullshit. No one who has played Castlevania for any amount of time can wipe the 1st stage of the game from their memory. It's ingrained like breathing. Yet, this toad has difficultly hitting the first fucking candle. See below.

The rest of the damning evidence includes: several incorrect "Whip It" references, 307 jokes about the absurdity of candles producing hearts and treasure, barely completing the 1st stage, fluent verbal use of "Oh Noes" and the "I Can Has Cheesburger?" language, hand eye coordination of a salmon, Medusa sound effects, a plea to not leave negative comments about his voice, and actually uploading these videos for the world to see.

Finally, there's the fact that this shitheel is playing a friggin' ROM (which is fine, not completely hating on that fact) that has a game save feature engaged. Wow. Just, wow. Even with a mega-cheat in place he has no clue. Oh, and he complains about the lag his shitty computer produces while running the damn ROM.

I had a point to this, but lost it in the bile somewhere. Meh.

I'M CONFUSED, IS THIS A GOOD THING? or IT REALLY TAKES 7 WEEKS TO KNOW IF IT'S BEEN BLOWN UP?

2011-02-17T10:27:00.004-05:00

THE INTIMIDATOR OF ANNE FRANK or IF ONLY SHE HAD A NUMBER 3 CAR TO ESCAPE THOSE PESKY NAZIS

2011-02-11T10:42:00.005-05:00

A few weeks back, three things happened at the supermarket.

1: I was in a supermarket and I hate being in them.
2: Some pizza junkie emulating Stu Spengy's diet jumped the line in front of me.
3: I saw a Time Life cover that seemed a bit off.

Can you spot the poor photo placements/choices and crummy barcode location? I guess I'd like to have been in the room during the selection of said important people while the Indy 500 was on.

BLACK MANTA SCORES AGAIN

2011-02-10T09:25:00.004-05:00

Besides being super rad, Black Manta is an accomplished underwater blade master and the main reason I watched Superfriends back in the day. He's a straight up murder factory, an underwater Voorhees if you will. So, I flipped through a recent Brightest Day issue because Manta was on the cover beneath the banner "Aquawar" - and was greeted with a very nice surprise being dealt to my favorite underwater d-bag. How will Aquaman belittle and ride Topo around the ocean now?

SNOW BLOG. NEW LOCATION. NEW VIEW.

2011-02-09T14:45:00.001-05:00

The beginning-ish of snowmageddon 2011.

So yeah, it snows in Winter. I get it. I got it. Grew up on the East Coast, I understand it. So how come there are people driving around in snow encrusted cars, attempting to climb steep icy hills mid-storm, hitting snowbanks, and flooring it to get more traction - up here in New England? Seems crazy. They can't all be transplants from sunny Florida. It snows more here, buy some tires that aren't from Wham-O. I get that there are circumstances out of your control. But if you choose to climb a hill, then fail and slide backwards into a snowbank - when all you had to do was take another street to avoid all this - I got no pity.

Snooooooow.

Bile aside, the snow has been steady, near weekly. Seems to be a Wednesday phenomenon as I've made several trips to the comic store during blizzard conditions. (my car roof/windows/doors/hood were completely free of snow and I have decent tires - I practice what I preach) I've enjoyed it quite a bit, minus the constant shoveling. Coming from a region that crushes all snow within 24 hours (due to non- sub 32 temps, not the famously inept DC snow clearance crews) and moving to a land where it piles up and hangs out has been nice. But my perspective may certainly be biased given that my commute consists of a few steps from bed to computer. It snows, I type, I smile. No power outage either thus far. Amazing.

Perty nighttimes descend.

There have been several cycles of storms, each in the 6-12 or 18" range. I get to kick back, burn stuff in a fireplace, all while it snows against the windows soothes my brain. I can totally dig it.

Here's a round up of the snow thus far in images that I captured here and there over the past months. Plus some bonus slip n' slide car action caught from where I sit all day. My creepy peepy perch if you will.

Kids love to shovel.

The stairs are gone.

The plows aren't helping.

Snowcapades begin!

Stop going up the hill!

Reverse is your best bet at this point.

See, kids love to shovel.

I KEN DRAWL!

2011-02-04T11:31:00.005-05:00

Looks like that big headed goof who went by lots of nicknames has gotten back into the art seat. So, hit him up at his new blog, leave amusing but useful comments, and hold him to posting more than one set of images a year. BOOKMARK AND HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE! See, he did a portrait of me (yeah I stole the image and made it better!) from my time traveling days. Or have those days never really started/ended? Hard to tell with time travel crap.

Go there now?

SHOP 4 BALLERS EXCLUSIVE FROM TRENTON

2011-01-31T12:58:00.003-05:00

Insert your own Tron jokes. Please watch this, it is amazing.

Wheeeeeeee!

SENSEI MEADOWS IN DA HIZZOUSE or AIDS KARATE BEATS SEATTLE KARATE ANYDAY (IN THE 80s)

2011-01-29T13:28:00.006-05:00

Watched a terrible film the other evening with some friends, mostly because of the descriptive text and the inclusion of a small Colorado town:

After punks at school hand him a savage beating, gay teen McClain Evans (Michael O'Laskey II) secretly begins martial arts training with Karen O'Neil (director Diana Lee Inosanto), a woman who has her own axe to grind with the narrow-minded rural community. But as Evans learns to stand up to prejudice and hate, the boy and his sensei unleash a firestorm of controversy in their small Colorado town.

So I figured it'd be a goofy karate kid type thing with a gay teen angle and full of bad music and high school stereotypes. Well it went into darker AIDS fear fueled territory for the most part, and pretty quick. But the over the top-ness of the family that I guess lived stuffed in a church basement, the Ramones-esque main character, actually decent karate, and the ridiculous school bullies helped ease the pain. As did the most excellent acting.

But most of all the whiteman version of Tim Meadows made it sing. Couldn't get it out of my head once it was pointed out by Mr. Sandwich. Also, despite the box cover, there were no sword fights or climactic showdows. Not enough lasers either. I wanted lasers.

BEER CRIT

2011-01-22T18:56:00.003-05:00

What do you get your favorite DM if you want some leniancy after a Gelatinous Cube has your character slowly dissolving in its gut? Why, beer with Dragons and shit on it. Duh.

12% ABV: Check.
Dragon: Check.
Italian: Check.
Any Good?: Unknown...

THE BATTLE YOU'VE ALWAYS NEVER WANTED TO SEE!

2011-01-14T12:59:00.003-05:00

Saw this in the aisle chaos scatter at a Toys R Us the day before xmas. A 2 pack of stink for most kids since one is way superior than the other. You get all jazzed to see Merman poking out of the wrapping paper and hope that maybe the other figure is Man E Faces or Ram Man or something - but then recoil in horror to find Aquadouche. (tangent: how did Optimus Prime end up pimping He-Man in those commercials?)

But some kids might choose wrong. Perhaps this special packaging is sorta like the Daigoro sword or toy test from Lone Wolf and Cub. Helps weed out the chaff. Except today we're not baby killin' barbarians, so instead the Aquaman choosin' kid just gets their hand cut off and is allowed to live in shame. Because Merman is totally awesome. Check out his stylish sea vest and aqua-cummerbund!

SOMETHING TO BE MIGHTY STOKED ABOUT.

2011-01-12T16:24:00.004-05:00

A new Dead Milkmen album. Yay!

PRE-SNOW DOUCHERY or WELCOME TO MASSSACHUDCHEETTEEES

2010-12-30T11:30:00.004-05:00

The very definition of a MASShole.
And this one isn't even in motion.

CHECKLIST ACTIVATE!

1. Parked under a red light.
2. Blocking traffic from two directions.
3. Headlights off.
4. Completely snow covered windows.

Give that man trophy.

PARK N PAINT

2010-12-22T09:51:00.002-05:00

I jumped through the racket-filled hoops of the RI DMV this week. One such money-hoop was a VIN check. You had to go to a dude at a special police station that is open every other 3rd full moon for like 3 hours in the middle of the day. Next, pay him 10-30 bucks cash, and he'd check you car VIN vs your title. At this point you could now go find a person to notarize the friggin' application for a new registration. Yay!

Anywho, the place had a special row of parking garage spots. The signs don't indicate anything about being towed or fined if you park there too long, just that you will be tagged. And given the many vibrant non-tax dollar funded murals that surrounded the place, I'd not park there for more than 15 minutes...

I HAVE FOUND BEERLAND

2010-12-13T12:00:00.000-05:00

I've been told to go check out this place up the road by Jess² and her knowledgeable beerman. It's like a whole 3 miles away - which is light years in this town. So I've been going instead to the one that's 2 miles away. But I was driving back from some coupon fueled errand (how does Michael's stay in business?) and saw the neon lights beckoning, so I swerved in for a looksee.

Hoooooooooooray. Place is loaded. Isles of crazy stuff. Coolers of good stuff. Mountains of crap stuff. The rest of the place is an alcoholics delight as well. Plus there's a can and bottle collection thingie attached. So in the parking lot I get to dodge station-wagons full of bottles and cans that are driven by hobos (all the windows are broken).

Also there's a special isle for Stuspengy.

"Oh, so Anchor Steam in in San Fran huh? Neat."

PAINT MAKES HAPPY

2010-12-12T18:34:00.005-05:00

After a bunch of effort and lots of cursing, the hellish area that is my day-prison has finally been painted. I've been locked in this room, day-in/day-out staring at the institution green walls with a crap pile behind me that awaits a painted room. The mental downer this has been can finally be blocked. It's painted, I have purpose in here now.Have you gotten the idea that this room is painted and I'm stoked? New desk mat for my chair! Corner shelves for nerd shit! I even cut a hole in the outer desk wall for the radiator to poke through and warm my feet! Wheeeeee!

OK, AMC. I AM SATED.

2010-12-05T23:17:00.007-05:00

Not too much of the zombie outbreak was explained, as most of the facts were fuzzy and the dude didn't know what he was doing. The rest of the world is still a large enough mystery since the power/communication gird went down and no one seems to know what the deal is anywhere. The CDC exploded and is gone. No goofy new plot lines were developed. The cast has been whittled down to the canon group, with the welcome bonus of Darryl. The whisper thing was lame, but is easy enough to puzzle out if you think about it. Merle is still running around and will most certainly be back as an evil d-bag. Essentially, they built themselves a big fat reset button so that come second season they can plot a decent story arc or two. Smart move? However, the ending didn't really leave any openings or tantalizing bits to get you stoked for more, besides basic survival. Ya know? It could theoretically just end here with a well placed "and there were nooooo survivors".

Switching to something that should've ended a long while back, but like a stubborn zombie keeps lurching forward - I leave you with this balsphemous nightmare that aired tonight.

THE END

DEAR WALKING DEAD: PLEASE STOP DEVIATING IN MAJOR GIANT HUGE BIG WAYS, IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.

2010-12-04T18:28:00.007-05:00

Oooooooooook. Here I go. It's been a hit or miss batch of episodes with this series. A series I want to succeed reeeeeeeal bad. And it has, given the numbers and second season green light. But it is not living up to its potential. I know it was taking a chance and a short season and nothing was guaranteed during shooting and the budget was limited - but that's all the more reason you shouldn't fuck around with an equation that's been slingin' the bestest zombie fiction in comicdom.

I've, for the most part, been fine with the minor deviations acquired during the comic to TV transition. New throw away characters are fine, so long as you toss them. And they have! A few new conflicts, like the "vatos" in the hospital thing, was no big deal and resolved itself. However. HOWEVER. Breaking canon by actually making it to the CDC and then developing a reason for the zombie plague itself is not cool. It's stupid and rushed.

This is the one thing the comics never ever reveal over 80 issues, leaving lots of questions and venues to explore. So, there's no damn need to reveal it here either. It adds nothing and only, honestly, detracts from the stories that did so well in the first place to land a TV show. This changes everything. So many plotlines from the source material can't be used anymore with this shit floating around out there. I'm cool with new adventures and what have you, but this isn't a side trip. It's the answer. The potential for fail is so great at this point. It's almost like they're chickening out on what needs to be done ie the killing what needs doing. Shedding light on the virus subject is a very bad move. Fuck, they even named it!

Isn't it better to have the charcaters guessing about how it spreads? Bites only? Scrapes? Can you get zombie juice in your mouth and become one? Or if the USA is alone in this? If it's just Georgia or the South? All that gets flushed tomorrow when the brother from The Truman Show ruins the surprise (how ironical!).

And Merle. The wacky, now one handed, racist dude is still out there. A loose string is cool, but this loose string is bad for a pair of reasons. One: the hand cutting. Given events that will transpire down the line (hopefully), this injury will become Seinfeldian and the retribution will actually be deserved. Two: If Merle follows the trajectory he appears ot be on, then one of the best villians in the comics has just been explained away and now isn't so scary. So Kirkman, take care of Merle now.

Basically, why mess with it at all really? Lighting in a bottle twice? Hard to do. Essentially, a small ass percentage of folks watchin the show have read the comics, so it's not like you're spoiling anything for them, in fact that's all we want is the stuff we love, but on TV. Is that so much to ask for? I guess so. Oh well.

All in all, it's a fine show. The gore levels are exceptional and I'm liking Dale a bunch, he's spot on. It is after all a friggin' TV show about zombies and swinging axes at zombie's heads so I should just calm down. But I can't! Maybe they'll fix it up tomorrow. Perhaps the dude in the CDC is full of shit and this is a red herring. I have faith in this Kirman guy, he's led the story down some questionable paths in the comics, but always pulled it off and managed to shock me along the way. So, here's to hopin'...

TV CASUALTY

2010-11-30T15:26:00.003-05:00

Thanks to Mr. Horse, I now know this awesome/scary factoid.

"A recent study found that at peak times, Netflix represented 20 percent of Internet download traffic in the United States."

To look at this information inline with other trend setting studies, the internet is basically 3 things to Americans. Cats, porn, and reruns of the A-Team. And the way things are going with our useless government elected officials - we are going to have to enjoy it in the form of regulated cats, porn, and reruns of the Incredible Hulk. "Netflix is gettin' too big fer hem thar britches, I reckon.", an inbred Comcast wonders aloud, as it pulls at it's suspenders and chews on a long stem of grass whilst wearing a top hat, "Best slow that down to dial up speeds."

What does this mean? Perhaps we should look to England for advice on how to best spend the twilight years of an aging empire. If so, then we can at least look forward to some superior comedic programming - if our ISPs deem it a good thing.

POST 250! LIL' MANS!

2010-11-29T16:56:00.005-05:00

250 posts of junk! What a run!

Yes, I will continue to call out useless milestones.
They make me feel good inside. Onwards>>

Recently, I managed to:
A: Find my stupid paint tray thing.
B: Paint models using it, as opposed to stacking crap on it to collect dust.

As a certain giant nerd tournament approaches, I've been tossed back into the potential throes of my accursed addiction - painting stupid lil' mans and growing my back hump further. I'm currently in mental preparation for building an army from scratch and painting it in, more than likely, a last minute marathon. So, to ease back into things with the most minimal of effort, I shipped some totally unrelated 20mm models off to friend for painting! Woooo cash rules!

Then I got off my butt, due to guilt, and painted 26 of my 20mm Germans that have been in a near state of completeness for years now. These will complement the ones I sent out nicely. The fun thing about this batch is that they were guinea pigs of sorts. I picked up a can of this insta-shade stuff for near to nothing the other day. People claim to have painted entire armies in a weekend - with decent results - using the stuff. All you have to do is lay down a decent, neatly executed basecoat. Then just dip 'em and wait. I've been quite dubious of the technique for years, but gave it a swing on my tiny Germans. You can see them crummily photgraphed "pre-dip" above and "post-dip" below.

Much to my surprise it worked out great. Saved me hours of pain. I will be using it for just about all my smaller scale (below 20mm) needs in some form. It really did do a super job of shading. Though going forward, brighter colors will be needed for basecoats, since the shading does knock the colors down a bit.

THE CRIBBAGE MATCH or HARRY POTTER TAKES A DARK TURN, NO NOT THE END OF THE SERIES DARK TURN, THE DARK TURN I WANT IT TO TAKE.

2010-11-24T11:04:00.006-05:00

There's no hiding my love for MST3K and it saddens my nerd heart to be so behind on this one. Something called Wizard People, Dear Readers from our internet friend/comedian Brad Neely. (The George Washington Rap) Basically it sounds like a mean drunken uncle slaying the Harry Potter film, MST3K style, after a full bottle of 4 dollar gin. (the plastic unbreakable hobo bottle) The voice over track is all growly and bitter. Below is a link to the YouTube clip (one of many), since it won't embed. The bit is about the "cribbage" match and the dude misnames stuff left and right, adding to the gold factor. If you gots 10 minutes to have look while eating a sandwich, it'll be worth your time.

Just blow the fucking whistle.

SLAYER VS THE INTERTUBES

2010-11-15T21:17:00.003-05:00

The dude named Horse brightened my Sunday morning with a link to this fantastic youtubery mash up of folks in church going ape to Slayer. Motha-suckas got moves yo! Then I started to look at related videos. So here's a sampling of the better TV shows redubbed to Slayer. And of course one which goes up a notch into what the kids call "brutal".

SLAYER GOES TO CHURCH

GROVER RIPS

ANIMAL SLAYS

TUBBIES GET BRUTAL

FOR JP: KENKU. AND: I'M A DANGER, MOSTLY TO MYSELF.

2010-11-10T15:06:00.003-05:00

Looking at some olde tyme illos.
Found this gem.
Kawwwwwww.

And it appears that I can add pyrex cookware/making tea to the list of things I shouldn't touch/do. (lamps, lawn mowers, etc.) Luckily it melted already callused tissue, so it ended up only baking dead skin a bit further.

TARGET AND WALMART PEDDLE THE DEVIL'S WARES! THE DEVIL I SAY! GITHYANKI APPROVED!

2010-11-05T16:57:00.003-04:00

It's about time they flat out admitted that shit. Weeedle weedly weeeee chugga chugga chugga chug chuggaedta weedleieeeeeeeeeeeeee. Grells bitches!

Rad.

HALLOCHRISTMAS LIVES!

2010-11-03T13:31:00.003-04:00

I dunno about these spooky light up finger candles I saw at the supermarket. Kinda gross, but in a manner which they aren't intented to be.

But more importantly, this photo is from 2 weeks ago, just one isle over. Christ. (Indeed!)

STEP THREE, YOU PUT YOUR DICK IN A BOX

2010-10-27T11:36:00.003-04:00

Whilst on a magical Peter Pan bus to NYC, I spotted a bunch of brightly colored storage places and took a crummy photo. Storage places that had an odd logo choice. I doubled checked the website to be sure. Yes. I'm 12.

GRIZZLED DUDE SCARES GIRL, MYERS GOES TO JAIL, PAUL RUDD?

2010-10-26T09:23:00.008-04:00

This pretty much sums up Halloween 5+6. Loomis in this one is double super crazed. He spends most of the film acting like a monster and yelling into the face of a 10 year old recovering from being hunted down by a pychopath. The same terrorized little girl is later used as bait, a shield, and then an offering to Myers by our brave action psychiatrist.

The film starts to leap into the fringes of drunken plot points from part 3. Let's simply not hover on the fact that early in the film, Myers is picked up by a river hobo and left to sleep in his river shack for a full year until the next October 31st comes around. What were they doing for a full year? Plus there's some dude dressed in black that mysteriously shows up throughout the film for no reason at all. Except to mystically blow up a jail and set Myers free at the end so that he can careen into the wackyland that is part 6. Although 6 is easily as ludicrious as the infamous part 3, it's strangely satisfying to watch for it's off the rails plot, funtastic kills, abusive fathers, wooden child actors, the mom from better off dead, and a young Paul Rudd.

My advice, checkout parts 1+2, then head straight to Halloween H20. Skip all the other stuff inbetween.

LONG LIVE SANDWICH HUT!

2010-10-20T14:04:00.003-04:00

I finally found a local place that delivers the tasty-times sandwiches to my gut. It's called Sandwich Hut. They are cheap. They recently extended their hours. They don't mess around with Prosciutto. Excellent meatball there too. After a lunch at Sandwich Hut, I've been surprised to find myself repeating my father's famous pre-dinner quote from childhood. The line is uttered just before any preparation decisions for the evening meal are made: "I dunno, I had a big lunch." Yummers.

MUTHLOVIN' YEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-RGH! NOW I SHALL REIGN IN 180g VINYL!

2010-10-18T13:41:00.004-04:00

So dope. Slayer's The Vinyl Conflict arrived. 11 slabs-o-satanic-wax. Remastered. I coulda done without the Undisputed Attitude album though. Best vinyl set out in a whiles. I been holding on collecting any Slayer due to pricing, but this one knocks 'em all out in one go. Nice. King Diamond needs to do another boxed set, but of this level of quality, and I'd be complete. Come on KD, take some back pills and get on that!

HALLOWEEN IV "THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS" or MAYBE THAT STONEHENGE ACTIVATED BUG MASK THING WAS A BAD IDEA or FURTHER DOWN THE FAIL SPIRAL WE GO

2010-10-11T10:53:00.008-04:00

I'm slowly working my way through all the Halloween films right now. I know the 1st one very well, as it is a milestone for horror, but the rest are mostly a blur in my head. I've seen them all at some point in life, but they just never really stuck. Outside of the ludicrousness of the genre-bending tour de force that was Halloween III: Season of the Witch, of course. You can scrub all you want, but the custard filled evil robots remain. The one thign that did stick with me, after it was pointed out, was the fact that Michael Myers is the one slasher villian that drives a car. Which is awesome.

Anywho, the original and part 2 are great because they sorta smash together to make on 3 hour long slash-o-fest. Thanks to the way the second film picks up seconds after where the original left off. But even there signs of the goofery to come were present.

Mainly when Michael's crazy doctor, Sam Loomis played by Donald Pleasence, starts waving a gun at every kid that's wearing anything like the Myers mask. This culminates in an amazing scene where some poor dumbass kid in a mask has Loomis threaten to shoot his ass, only to wander into the street where he is promptly hit by a car. A car which then hits a parked truck and explodes, with the kid imapled on the front bumper. The scene ends with the kid smashed and on fire. But in a funny way. Hey, don't take my word for it.

More importantly the scene from part 2 solidifies the series' true star. No, not Michael Myers silly! The mighty madman - Dr. muthalovin' Loomis! Since the entire series seems to have derailed big time, might as well just go with whatever and let Donald Pleasence go bezerk. So, they pretty much devoted the entire 4th film to Loomis' nutty adventures. Which make sense because they goofed up the friggin' Michael Myers mask and set up some way crap lighting. The film's monster was so goofy in every scene, there was zero menace. I kept thinking to myself that he looked more like Data from Star Trek TNG than anything else.

Now, check out some the many gem filled stills from Halloween 4 I took featuring the good doctor.

Sam surveys the scene of an ambulance Myers wrecked during his mostly off screen escape. The cops are just too busy to even look and count how many bodies are present. They figure, "Welp, that's that." So Loomis steps up.

After surviving a completely unsurvivable explosion in the 2nd film's climax, Loomis now sports a jaunty scar, crumbly hands, and a limp. Not to bad for being in confined space blown apart by volumes of volatile gas and fire mixing. It's like a video game, except Loomis doesn't instantly die when he falls in water.

Donald did his own stunts. Action Pleasence!

Thus he earned his on screen boozin'. I've no doubt he was half in the bag during most of the filming. One anecdote from shooting was that Donald had a hat on his head to keep warm during some night shots. No one noticed it (par for the film in general) and the character of Dr. Loomis with a goofy hat was never really established. Sooooo they had to do a whole nights worth of shooting again the next evening.

More Action Pleasense! Though I think this is a stunt dude, since Pleasence would obviously want any stunt he performed to be lit. By lights and stuff. You know, a lit scene.

Now begins the incredulence of Loomis. He seriously wonders inside "Why won't anyone take my insane ass seriously?" "Look at my scar man, it changes in each scene! That's some serious shit!" "Where are your guns?"

The best Myers moment (there was only one) was the face ripping of a dude as he was driving. It was rad.

OK, now that Myers has been vanquished by guns (didn't work before, but now it does? Okdoke.) A bloody Dr. Loomis is thankful to have survived Michales latest rampage.

But no! The twist ending we all saw coming from the 10th minute in is upon us! Who would have thought Michael Myers' niece would have taken up his murderous ways! Shocker!

This shot and expression wraps it all up really. So many more films to go...

Heh. Hot nuts.

Lastly I leave you with the guy responsible for shitting everything up. Alan McElroy. He wrote the script in 11 days. Because he needed to get it done before a writer strike took effect. Great job dude!

SADDO CON 2011 PLAYTESTING IN SESSION!

2010-10-07T11:34:00.005-04:00

You know when you look at most card or boardgames, there's an icon or set of numbers explaining how many players it's designed for? Most of the time it's 2-4 or 3-5 or whatever. Because they assume you have a group or family to play said game with. Then there are those that indicate 1-4 or 1-5 - with emphasis on "1". They're known as "Solitare" rules or in the UK, the more appropriate, "Billy No Mates".

Well, the other day I sat down and participated in such a venture! Let SADDO-CON 2011 begin! When the lady walked over and asked what I was doing and I replied in truth - the look on her face might as well have been if I were sitting there shirtless watching gay porn with another shirtless dude.

In fairness, it's a Space Hulk (because Space Hulk is super rad) card game and it plays pretty well as a solitare thing. Be fun with people as well I'd imagine. It has a neat feel and is as brutal as regular ol' Space Hulk. Though rolling dice with no one around and getting stoked is pretty fucking sad. Sadder yet was that I lost.

WHAT'S INSIDE?

2010-10-06T14:56:00.004-04:00

Mmmmmm. Sauce 3000 G 2.

In other news, did you know The Video Dead was released to Netflix streaming?

Huzzah for trash!

HELLO CLEVELAND! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK! TO THE WICKED BAD SOUNDS OF DICK WARLOCK!

2010-10-01T10:27:00.002-04:00

Watched halloween II last night and had to pause the credits, twice. Dick Warlock was doing double time in this film as Myers and some cop. I laughed, then remembered laughing at that name before in some other film's credits. Like Halloween III, Friday the 13th V, and of course Herbie Goes To Monte Carlo. Oh fun. Would be a good band name though.

FLEAMARKET BONANAZAAAA OF VAALYOUSE!

2010-09-23T10:50:00.007-04:00

Some crap I dug up at a fleamarket recently. Gots to love fleamarkets.
It was hosted at an old drive-in theater.
One area looked like a dollar store had exploded.

Use it repeatedly. For a long time.

This sucker caught my eye real fast. What's mo' funny than lampin' on our nation's drug issues? Well, ass crack jokes to hang on the wall. Seriously, there was a special section for this. Which was right next to a bin full of high falutin' sections with philosophers' and writers' names.

Mutha-lovin' JAZZY CATS TRIO!
Damn right they need to be featured on an explosive blasty background.
A jazzy blast.
This layout should be taught in all design schools.

ONCE OWN, NOTHING CAN INSTEAD!

Amalgamation of left over superhero parts unite!
All children should only get fucked up left over mash up toys like this.
It builds character.
ROLL CALL!

PUDDIN' HEAD MUSCLE SPIDER WITH POISON DIRK!
"Fear me criminals, for I will stick you.

BIG JAWMAN WITH NO ACTION ACCESSORY!
I need no tools to cause pain, only my massive jawline.

FLESHY HEADED GORILLA GEM-CHESTOR WITH DUAL PIZZA BLADE
When my gem flashes, wrong doers drop like flies.

Together now: ALL HEROES COME!

SHIP GUN. NUMBER ONE.

2010-09-21T15:28:00.006-04:00

This hit io9 the other day, so que the kids' internets postz complaints about how this is suuuuuuuuuuch a Battlestar rip-off. >>>>>> Wave motion to the face!

Bzzzzernkwhhhheeeeeeeoooooooooooooo. Retards.

But, on the lighter side. Hooray Japan!

DESSLOCK! DESSLOCK-DESSLOK! DESSLOCK! DESSLOCK-DESSLOK!

I'M THINKIN' OF GETTIN' TO THAT "HOT COP" LEVEL OF FIT

2010-09-17T13:48:00.003-04:00

Local arty businesses located in converted old tyme mills are great. This pole dancin' place is located right across from an old man who hand makes violins.

NO, NOT SCHLITZ! SAY IT AIN'T SO!

2010-09-15T10:31:00.004-04:00

You got to have a whole bunch of other selections on hand in your store if you want to rock the "shitty beer" fridge.

OLD FUCKED UP BASEMENT, MEET MOSTLY LESS TOXIC BASEMENT

2010-09-14T10:19:00.004-04:00

More excitement updates to the max! The old ass basement walls were totally covered in banged up flaky painty paper junk and crumbly rock that constantly fell to the ground in nasty lil' chips n' clumps. They would then hitch a ride and track with you during your travels. Plus there were oddball fluffy white crystals growing on the old wood framework and some lovely spots of black mold thanks to a pair of sweet, rotting metal pipes dripping rust colored stagnant water. It was like a friggin' jams and jellies page from the Monster Manual.

But, a pair of Portugese dudes, who were way bummed about their nation's World Cup performance, came in and cast Dimension Door on all that nasty shit. Well most of the nasty nasty shit. I still had to sweep and punish Old B.O.B. with more dusty doom once they were through. The new walls are uniform in color, now that they are dry, do not flake horrible particles into the air and generally make the dingy dungeon look and smell a hell of a lot better. Not sure what to do with all the awesome hanging plug sockets and switches now that the old stupid framework is gone - but I'll take it and save my Yellow Ochre battles for the tabletop.

VOTIN' DAY IS TOMORROW, GET THE VOTE OUT FOR THE PUNISHER...AND JC.

2010-09-13T10:18:00.004-04:00

Oh man, who knew I'd be so stoked about local elections?
VOTE PUNISHER!

If you only read his little card and got stoked about him killing the mafia and look at the photo that could maybe pass as some sorta Frank Castle, you'd vote Punisher. Curious, you search YouTube and discover he is the most awesome kook who ever got kicked out of a mayoral debate while holding a 5 ft Mary statue and proposing to his girlfriend mid-debate. But then you switch on the telly and get an earful of biblical horror. The host in the segment below should get a fully paid vacation to the tropical paradise of her choice for putting on one of the best "holy shit this is real" smiles followed by some fantastic diversion conversation tactics to avoid TV disaster. (takes about 45 seconds to get to the good stuff)

So I ask you as you stand in your house hiiiiigh upon the hill:
Are yooooouuuuu looooost?

Fuck.

WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS BOX? OH WAIT I KNOW! I'LL SHAME MYSELF IN PUBLIC!

2010-09-10T11:25:00.008-04:00

Let's bask in others failures who then put it on the internets because they believe they've won a prize. Especially the failure of one of my favorite dork sub-groups: cardboard cosplay dweebs. Die in a fire! Go!

For the Emperor! I hope it doesn't rain! I wet 'em!

Saggy Baggy Load.

We paid money for for the honor of beng mocked.

You will never get the Necronomicon!

That dog from Road Warrior fell on hard times after his Dinky-Di contract ran out.

Repulsors working just fine...

Google it, prepare for horror. Good job kid.

An old fave. Cardboard Tau for the win! Again!

OK, this one is rad. You get a pass.

This is fucking art. Take note all you cosplay goons.

To quote Suicidal Tendencies most well known song. "All I wanted was a Pepsi".

SKYPE HAS TURNED ME INTO A TERRORIST

2010-09-09T13:59:00.004-04:00

All it took was a few late night missives with my cohort The Shirtless Skull. Before I even knew what was happening, I had donned the garb of Weirdball, the lost soviet tanker. (In Soviet Russia, an Oddball is you!)

Beware capitalist pig free world pigs, we seek the destruction of stop lights and the complete downfall of all movies post Original Gangsters to prop up the rise of an all Fred Williamson run world where only Italians can shoot films - though without any live sound (so they can order cappuccino and pizza at the same time) that has to be dubbed in later. Oh, and only practical effects, no money fed pig pig CGI Western ideals. ALALALALALLALALALALALALALALALALALALAALLLLAAAAAAAAAAA!

WHO KNEW?

2010-09-07T10:39:00.002-04:00

Tucked inside the curtain rod box was a pamphlet with an odd surprise.
ORLY CURTAIN RODS!

IT'S A SALE ON SMART PEOPLE! or MATH, NOT GOD (SUCK IT NIETZSCHE!) IS DEAD.

2010-09-05T19:48:00.003-04:00

OH HOW MUCH CAN I BE?
LOOK>>>>IZ CLEER TO I CAN TODAY!
I AM COUNT TO SIX NOW!
THNX U MAGIK MONEY CHARTZ!
I CAN HAZ TING NOW!

Fuck.

OH VALIANT, AND TO THINK AT ONE POINT YOU WERE EQUAL TO DC

2010-08-31T12:39:00.003-04:00

Turok embossed foil covers for all at the thrift store!

CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN

2010-08-27T09:39:00.004-04:00

One of the sad things left behind in the move was this hard workin' hunk of plastic and leaky chemicals. Sure it looks like a beat up air conditioner. That's because it is. How am I attached to some mechanical freeze box? Oh, it's background is vast, rich, and engaging. Poor ol' Cap'n Krunch. Have ye not heard the tale of the cap'n? No! Weeeeell sit back and fill a pipe for a yarn ta please ya.

One Summer, many burning seasons past, I gave up on sweating to death in my hotbox oven of a room in the old hobby flophouse I inhabited with 2 other goons. It was time for one of them newfangled air coolies I've read so much about. Of course I waited until mid-season to get an air conditioner and the choices were slim to none. There were vast swathes of empty concrete floor where all the good air conditioners used to be. Ya know, the neat ones with settings and a remote. But there were a few left, in way damaged boxes stuffed in a dank corner of the Home Despot. So I walked out with a big, weighty, stupid, expensive, no-feature having hunk of plastic. Great job.

I arrived home and got to setting it up. Like all air condition units claiming to fit any window, it didn't really fit too well. I fidgeted with stuff and wedged slabs of wood beneath it to level it out and in general made a mess of things. One of the roommates (we'll call him Spengy) eventually snuck over (he is sneaky when he wants to be) to see what I was doing. I sorta explained why everything is so stupid and in the midst of the rant, opened the window above the unit. The window holding the air conditioner in place.

Now, Spengy claims to maybe been able to grab the cord as it snaked it's way out the window, but instead opted to just let it go. I'm with him on that, I see the logic. Besides it was funny. My pocket wasn't laughing, but I sure was. Poking our heads out the window to survey the damage, the best part of the adventure revealed itself. Out there in our driveway, 10 feet or so from the dropped 80 pound or so deathconditoner, was a dude with a box of pizza. He just sorta looked up at us and walked off.

It ends here right? Nah. Being the cheap bastard that I am and the fact that I had yet to even turn the damn air conditoner on - I went to retrieve and revive the unit. I plugged 'er in and it sprung to life, despite the 2 story jump. But the fan was all mangled and rubbing against all sorts a shit and the plastic was busted and it was leaking water. All totally fixable with the one tool I had in hand, a hammer.

Buncha whacks later and some questionable internal duct tape jobs (red duct tape, the same stuff I later used on my busted glasses for all you trivia nuts out there) the monster lived! Sure it was way loud and grindy and had to be set on an angle just right or else it leaked a torrent of water back into the room, but it blew semi-cool air.

Out came the sharpie. A few teeth drawn onto the busted grill plus a name to fit the bill and Cap'n Krunch was born! He served to temper many a burnination Summer before retirement and eventual dumpster banishment. You were one of the good ones cappy.

Alright, so it's not a great story. More of an Aesop fable without animals or a moral, but it is what it is. I just happened across this photo and decided to post it. Now you can't unlearn what you've just read.

I DUNNO UNCLE TONY, MAYBE THIS WILL HURT OUR PIZZA BUSINESS. HOW ABOUT WE RETHINK THE WHOLE FELT STAR THING HUH?

2010-08-25T23:43:00.003-04:00

Best pizza in all the camps!

I guess it's harmless.
I just think that maybe the choice for a 6 pointed star award to reflect
all those years of service weren't thought out none so good.
But, I'm just one guy.

File under: Sky Juice

I THINK I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF SKY JUICE NOW MOM.

2010-08-25T14:48:00.001-04:00

File under: Bad name idea.
Carrion Crawler approved though.

THE STATE OF TODAY'S ADVENTURE

2010-08-18T14:55:00.004-04:00

Found the local Ollie's. I guess every state/region has one of these. This one is called the Job Lot. A place laden down with so much random crap that it hurts the soul a little bit and takes a few minutes to take in. Just piles of discarded/rejected shit, horribly colored furnishings, castoffs, and sub-quality items. I declared it the colon of capitalism and was immediately at peace. Let the adventure shopping commence.

I was looking out for bargains! So bargains I must find! I found only a few bargains! I left behind the solar lawn ornament with a glowing red orb that I deemed the Eye of Sauron! I narrowly avoided the overflowing aisle of "as is" detrius! Here are 2 things I managed to photo as the mutants around me stared in awe at my magic!

This stitched wall scroll was a dollar. I didn't buy it, despite it featuring 3 dogs that my friends own. But I almost did.

And this here shower curtain reeks of class. I mean, if I were a rich fuddy duddy, there'd be no other item I would want surrounding me as I wash off the sweat from a jaunty hunt. Luckily it's part of a design collection, so if I wanted to, I could have the entire bathroom filled with the same awesome image. It was next to another shower curtain featuring turkeys and some shotguns.

I'll be back Job Lot. You amuse me.

CHEERGEAR or WILL THIS DUST KILL ME? - KEEP SWEEPING.

2010-08-13T08:47:00.008-04:00

I guess I'm slightly more adulty/old/boring now. And the current interesting thing to me is this house that I own and have to make better in order to function. So the normal flow of nerdly crap will be interspersed amongst less exciting house crap. Either way you fine readers get some crap to look at. And who doesn't like crap?

Two of the more odious and straight up filthy areas of this creaky old manse are the garage and attic. Unfortunately these are also two of the more useful storage areas. Thus the towering box city we live amongst can't really go anywhere until the grime is dealt with. The basement is rather clean, but there are some damp issues in there that need to be addressed before I entrust much that own in there. Right now it's more of a staging area for debris and junk. I've been dragging around some of these boxes, unopened for about 6 years and they need a new place to rot.

The garage seemed like less of a nightmare, so I went for the easier kill. I set to it armed with a mid-sized shop vac which I named "Old B.O.B.", for hopefully obvious reasons, and an extension cord. Things went swell, I sucked up the bits of crumbly wall, spider webs, leaves, spiders, and crap for about an hour. Moving from corner to corner I set order to the filth. But, like everything, there was a hitch.

As I was happily deleting the debris from a high corner, I smelled a funny smell through my facemask. A smoky sorta funny smell. Old B.O.B. took on a different, high pitched whine, then stuttered a bit. I turn around and my vac-droid is on fire. So, I was finished vaccuuming the garage for the day. A quick trip to Lowes top exchange flamin' B.O.B, and I had a new shop vac. I toyed with naming it Bob II, for Devolutionary reasons, but really wanted to keep Old B.O.B. in the family. SO, Old B.O.B. lives on. I finished the wee bit left in the garage, declared victory and headed up to the attic.

The attic was a goddamn mess. I took no before shots like a dum dum, but folks that seen it already know, it was shitty. Old newspaper type insulation was everywhere. Thick ass linoleum from 1944 was scattered about, broken glass everywhere, wood shards hidden in the insultion, and random crud from the previous owners poked out from corners. Amongst the wreckage, I found a receipt for about $1500 from some place named "Cheergear". This helped explained the 30 or so pairs of tiny white socks (on the invoice) I found and the hundreds of iron-on letters scattered about. GO TEAM ATTIC DWELLER! (BUSEY).

So I'm using a push broom and I note the plume of crap in the air. I prey the respirator will keep me alive and press on. It's hot up in the attic, but honestly, the attic is almost as hot as my friggin' apartment used to be in DC. I start tossig trash bags and wood out the attic window onto the lawn. Then I employ Old B.O.B. once more. I vacuum between every damn floorboard. The space is awesome and ready to be filled with junk. Now I just had to move all that crap up the stairs and then up the attic stairs.

An hour of pain and I was master of my new domain of boxed up crap. Huzzah.

SO IT BEGINS

2010-08-12T10:43:00.006-04:00

"Where are the funny photos of the robotkid from Gencon?" I hear the 5's of people cry into the interweb's series of connected void tubez? Well, it got dropped this year. Choke on this for now. And as Gencon is over and done with, the depression has faded, and I physically moved several states up the coast (hooray Northern movment!), I can crawl out of my digital hidey-hole and once more profess the word that the good people are forced to hear in their brains if they click and then read this page.

From what I've read and seen, Gencon didn't really produce any goodies I simply had to have. Outside of the annual "This Sucks" return trip Wendy's salad thrown down in disgust, of course. So there, suck it Gencon, you blew anyways. (though I think this looks kinda neato, and Darksun would have been fun to nab)

So what to fill the time then? Moving into and the fixing up some busted ass foreclosure built in 1928! The electrician dude found the orginal blueprints stuffed up in some nook in the basement. Neato.

So we moved. It was a semi-epic journey of slapdash new truckery. Rented and filled the biggest thing you can get from Uhaul, a 30ft truck. The pick up process was actually efficient and easy. Just doesn't happen at Uhaul. Remember Ghostbusters 2? The angry red goo levels under each and every Uhaul in America must be phenomenal.

Got it home without too much danger as it was all 495 type drivin'. But, wheeling it through the tiny streets of Takoma Park was a chore. Backing it in to the driveway, I hit a sign post with the rear bumper. Some buzzer went off in the cabin. It kept going off. It wouldn't stop. Some light on the dash lit up too. I performed the nigh impossible task of backing it into my tiny ass driveway and now it says the brakes are fucked up. I don't buy it for a minute. Some janky sensor has to have shit the bed and is now blaring this horrible beep. I tried encasing the side door speaker in foam to deaden it. It sorta worked, but the teeth jarring noise remained. No way was I gonna make it 8+ hours with that shit going off. The though of taking back the truck for a new less busted one was making me naseaus.

Then it hits me, it's just a damn speaker. So I dig around and find the well hidden wire that leads to the left door. Only took the popping off of 3 plastic panels. Oh and look, it has a handy snap connector. Noise problem solved. Brakes worked fine. About 8 hours in, the busted brakes dashlight turns off or blows out. Don't care. So, like I said problem solved.

Some brave folks decided to head North with us as support vehicles and bonus moving goons. The 3 vehicle convoy included my own personal lane clearer in the form a small pick up truck. I signaled to turn and the determined robotboy would get in that bizzatch first, indicating it was safe for me to change lanes. So very helpful. After about 3 too many traffic jams and hours wasted, we hit Connecticut. 95 cuts through the length of that bastard. Ugh. Around midnight, I've had enough of driving. So, with an audio book blaring on the phones (Dark Tower III) I go for it. Turns out the truck has a speed restricter. Maxes out around 80. The pedal just goes limp. So I keep it at 80ish, 30ft of shit barreling through the black towards Rhode Isalnd.

Finally, we get there. 2 shocks await. One, a minor shock, the outside porch lights are glowing this insane, clown-like color-rama which slowly fades from soft pink to blue to green to yellow and back again. Wow. 2nd, the contractor dude in the house that day didn't leave a key behind. Hooray. So we boost up through a window. Nothing like some friendly neighborhood B&E to kick things off right. "No, I swear officer, I own this clown-lit dump."

We crash out, and luckily the next day unloading went super smooth. Bang, 8 people and it's done. And the weather was fab, I only sweat through 2 bottles of Gatorade. Still nice out too. Likin' this Northern thing a great deal. (may begin to bitch come the Nov doomfrost-times.)

Now, we're here, and so it begins.

LOOKS LIKE OL' DEL TORO IS A PLACEMANIAC, REALIZED MY DEEP DISAPPOINTMENT, AND HAS BEEN SHAMED INTO DOING WHAT I NEEDED/WANTED.

2010-07-29T13:48:00.004-04:00

Yay!

GIMLI

2010-07-24T00:09:00.004-04:00

It's a sad day. Colossal sadness. Tough to type through the welling tears. Not only am I waste deep in shitty moving boxes, tired of yelling at useless Uhaul employees, surrounded by mountains of fiddly crap that needs to be packed up, and baking alive 100+ degree temperatures, but I'm also dealing with the passing of a most beloved critter. Gimli, the baddest Corgi to roam the eastern seaboard, and my only godchild (that I'm aware of), has moved on. So, so, so, so, so bummed. Taking a bit to sink in really.

Here's the Gim wishing the wife a happy birthday.
We thought gee, he's tolerating that stupid hat pretty well.
But then you see the treat on his nose and realize the deal.

Yeah it's sappy and I front an exterior of solid I don't give a fuck mosta the time, but this is a real shot to the dick and has taken the wind outta my sails. We build these relationships with these fucking animals that can't talk back, need help to properly shit on their own, and will never ever mow the lawn as a nice surprise - but still the connection is there. A strong connection. Gimli was totally rad. The raddest. Besides his way rad name as descendant of Gloin, the future Lord of Aglarond and the only Dwarf to visit the Undying lands of Aman, he was the most personable canine I've ever come into contact with. Not to take anything away from the myriad of other dogs I know, but Gimli was heads and tails above all of them in my mind, even at a mere 10 inches off the ground.

Gimli protecting us from yet another fiendish horseshoe crab plot.

I've known him for all of his sadly brief 6 years, and loved every minute. He popped into the mix when I was at a really low point, and helped take the edge off of the bleak times. Moving forward, he developed a fascination and adoration for my future wife in an obvious manner. Even if it had been months since we last visited, he always knew it was her, and would go ape when she was around.

Gim had all sorts of insane quirks. He would absolutely lose his shit if you rocked a raspberry (the tongue noise thing), would herd your ass if you walked side by side with him, and despite his tiny Corgi legs he loved to run up and down stairs to the point of exhaustion. The little fucker would freeze in a state of paralyzed pleasure if you rubbed his elbows - his elbows, and possessed a vast array of redonkadonk tricks that generally involved getting food. He was into cross dressing and had a penchant for hats and humiliation. There were even key phrases you couldn't say around him or it'd set off a barking fit. Such a weirdo! Which is why I loved him. He was such a fringe critter, a state dear to my heart.

It's pretty well known that I'm a selfish bastard with the view that I don't have time for fucking dogs and their bullshit. I don't wanna wake up and walk the bastard, I don't wanna grab bags full of warm shit, and I don't wanna mold my life around a furry time bandit that constantly dictates where, when, if and how I can take part in life. It makes the strong and generally dominant logical half of my brain scream. But this little tri-colored somnabitch made a very strong case for early morning interruptions and pocketing hot plastic bundles of fresh feces. If and when I do get a dog, it'll most definitely be a Welsh Corgi. Maybe I'll nam eit Balin to keep up with tradition. (I'll teach him to avoid Moria if so)

No one knows what took him exactly. He'd been sick for a few weeks with a fever and stuff, but it all seemed like no real big deal. Then, he just sorta went. Last I saw 'im, 2 weeks back, he was up and running around and being the adorable pup named Gimli. But, the cause is of no lasting concern at this point. I just feel that this stupid assbackwards world is a bit less fun without the goofy bastard running around and shitting on lawns.

Godspeed lil' doodle.

+ POSITIVE THING: ROCKET RACCOON. - NEGATIVE THING: MOVIE HYPE TO THE MAX

2010-07-23T12:48:00.004-04:00

Negative Nelly took a backseat on Comicon news for a moment when I came across this arty gem. Rocket Raccoon and the tree dude named Groot drawn by Mignola. Of course Mignola's only doing the one visual thing he seems capable of nowadays - a cover. Inside art etc, by other folks. Fun.

But, Neagative Nelly then reappeared when the list of big Marvel stuff for the upcoming year was shown off. Pretty much Captain America vs: Hydra, Your Mom, Breakfast, Thor, Literacy, Thor's Breakfast. Oh and some Thor books vs. stuff too. Can you guess which movies Marvel is trying to pump up? What happened to just telling fun stories? It's giant movie/event book machine now. Bleehck!

On them films. Captain America might be fun if they stick to WWII and blasting Nazi superscience junk. I could do with Red Skull zapping Sherman's to dust with a giant green lazzzzer (with swastika accessory). Thor I could care less about. He's too out there to jam into the universe they're trying to build. Plus it doesn't star the Barbarian Brothers in any way. Whedon on The Avengers film sounds potentially promising as he is smart and stuff. But seeing all those heroes in a room, in spandex, live on screen is going to be some goofy shit.

The main Walking Dead stuff is today, at least that hasn't crushed my dreams yet. The poster is great.

WOW, THAT'S DULL. or $$$

2010-07-23T11:40:00.004-04:00

Of all the choices arrayed before Del Torro after he left the Hobbit (sad panda), he goes and chooses to do a movie based on Disney's Haunted House? Whaaaa? Sure, that ride is the only way you could ever drag me to the most magical place on Earth for an hour - but a movie? That's some highly disappointing news, given his ability to create and tell some sweet macabre fiction. There's no way he's going to fit a child gut-shot or wine bottle face beating in there. And wasn't this film already released, like 5 years ago only to bomb hard? Man. Comicon is off to a swell start. Bleh!

FINALLY, THAT JUNKFEST CARTOON KNOWN AS "FILMATION'S GHOSTBUSTERS" IS EXPLAINED. 10 YEAR OLD ME CAN REST EASIER.

2010-07-22T15:16:00.008-04:00

It always made my head hurt. It generally came on before something I wanted to watch. It often ruined my morning. And it sucked. Yes, Filmation's crummy cartoon version of the Ghostbusters that haunted our childhood - is actually the original version. Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. (A monkey that drives a car and wears a goofy fucking beanie.) And all this time I thought it was the lousy knock-off. Lookit! WE'RE THE GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSTBUSTERS.

Whilst in production on the film Ghoststoppers, the folks working on it woke up to just how retarded that sounded and swapped it to Ghostbusters. But, a bit later they learned there already was a show called Ghostbusters from many years earlier. The only good thing to come from that show: Rick Baker made the gorilla suit. So, they bought them bitches out and yanked the name. Of course this didn't stop Filmation from slapping their name on shit and trying to cash in on the film's later success with a cartoon. And thus, this trainwreck of a shit-toon was born.
Dig up some more funtastic factoids about Ghostbuster you prolly never knew over at Neatorama.

BEFORE HE FAILED TO HELP THAT ONE DUDE WITH HIS KNIFE PROBLEM, HE WAS BUSY PROMOTING THE END OF THE "ALIEN" FILMS' GREATNESS

2010-07-14T14:18:00.000-04:00

Yeah, all I got is YouTube stupidity. Sue me.
Once you get past the MTV bit, there's a commercial for Alien 3.
It is terrible and make me sad. Just like Alien 3.
The real fun seeps in when you figure out who the one kid is.

WE WANT MORE PETER BARK or HIS BITE IS WAY WORSE THAN HIS BARK

2010-07-09T11:29:00.006-04:00

Le notti del Terrore or Burial Ground is just another phenomenal Italio-gore zombie gore flick bonanza. Sweet goofy rubber masks, maggots everywhere, tempura by the bucket full, half-made up zombies/dudes with green make-up in the rear ranks, and a plot written in between the prima pasti and secundo pasti of an average evening cena.

But this movie decided to excel above most others when it hired Peter Bark. Now one of the top contenders for creepy man-boy in all of horror cinema. Is it a boy? Is it a man? You're not too sure early on. Why hire such a creepy-ass kid? Surely there has to be some other kid worthy of this part? As the plot unfolds (Well, "stuff that happens", not so much worthy of the noun "plot" - though it is worth noting these zombies used tools like shovels and power saws, which is better than any plot I can think of) the answer becomes clear that he's an adult midget creature, for legal reasons. And these are late 70's Italian legal reasons, which I'd assume are pretty loose.

Anywho - here, in youtubey deeplinks linked via the tantalizing screenshots below (because we want to get to the good stuff right meooooooooow) are Peter Bark's best (and only really) screen moments.

Petey wakes up because he knows his momma is bangin' that dude in the next room. (5 secs)

Peter is freakishly scared. (10 secs)

Peter is still scared, though the audience is probably more frightened of him. (10 secs)

Petey can't take the zombie horror anymore he needs...something. (30 secs)

Our plucky man-boy has a huge crotch area and a jaunty trot. (5 secs)

But he's a dumbass and get's zombified. Mamma however doesn't care.
This can't be good, right? Correction this is amazing. (watch until the end)

YAY YOUTUBE GENERATION!

2010-07-06T10:31:00.002-04:00

You only really need to watch a minute of this future/current manchild train wreck to understand we're all doomed. Plus, the kid displays super vague knowledge of why the films he chooses are his favorites. And there's piles of clips like this by the same dude. Fuck. I think I picked up malaria watching this. I will give him some credit for picking The Video Dead though.

I think the second comment block puts it into context perfectly:

"My number one zombie movie is a porno with good music. My second favorite is one with a name I can't pronounce and a plot I can't remember. The next one I bought because of the breasts on the cover. I'm not sure what it's about. The next one I bought because I heard that I was supposed to like Romero. The next one I like best and I highly recommend it because of the special features. Now excuse me as I cough all over everything. No, I never leave my couch, but I know a lot of useless trivia."

IMA GONNA ROLLA THE BALLA

2010-06-25T10:56:00.004-04:00

Father Guido Sarducci emerged from the depths of my forgotten childhood TV wastelands the other night. Colbert had him on to explain why Glenn Beck is a lunatic. I was happy. Here's an old SNL commercial that features a super "sport" we all know and tolerate.

IN SOVIET RUSSIA A TANK TREADS YOU

2010-06-23T12:44:00.003-04:00

Can't talk, gotta go buy a $300 Renault to convert into a sweet tank for the future snowmageddons.

Lookit here!

LOVECRAFT AND PROVIDENCE

2010-06-11T16:34:00.007-04:00

About 3 years back, I went on a sad, geeky pilgrimage to check out Lovecraft's neighborhood a walk around his beloved Providence, RI. It was a blustery November day when I set out early in the afternoon. Most of the stuff is located in a tight clump NE of the Brown campus. It's a cool old area filled with kooky houses, windy roads and hills.

I took my camera along to document the sights, and with a crummy list of places to visit culled from the interwebs, got to it. I've posted most of the highlights here. Finally. I 've been meaning to show this off for ages, but just sat on the images for years. Lazy I guess. Now that I'm actually slated to live there in a month or so, I figured it'd be fun to show off my future stomping grounds (well mostly, we're located a bit North of here, but is like 2 miles.). So off we go! Warning this shit is nerdy saddo territory wherein I travel to worship hallowed ground.

St. John's Episcopal Church

I parked just in front of this church and figured I'd head up into the hill and loop back down later. This was a favorite place of both Edgar Allan Poe and Lovecraft. Ya know, hangin' around graveyards get you street cred. It is mentioned in several of Lovecraft's stories, including "The Shunned House" and "The Case of Charles Dexter Ward." I wound my way around it for a bit, got looked at funny by people in the modern apartments that overlook the graveyard, then struck North for Benefit St..

135 Benefit St.

Benefit is a lovely little old road with tons of olde tyme charme. A bit down the road was a huge yellow house. This was "The Shunned House" of Lovecraft's story of the same name. Well mostly. It was supposedly derelict and in disrepair in his day, but his Aunt lived there for a few years. Poison vapors, corse-light, mold, and gigantic underground humanoids! Yay! All in that there basement.

187 Benefit Street

Further down Benefit near an intersection, I came across this weird building. Lovecraft's body was viewed here at a funeral before burial when the property was known as the Knowles Funeral Home. Probably in that goofy bulge on the backside of the house. I found a neat bike path and snaked my way towards my next point of interest.

The Atheneum

Walking up on this place was a trip. The cool lamps and the triangular roof. Figures it's steps away from where the RISD kids take care of their day to day arty farty duties. It's a super neato old library thing that Lovecraft used to hang around a bunch. So did Poe. It's mentioned in "The Shunned House" and "The Case of Charles Dexter Ward." Inside was exceedingly quiet and heavy with that soporific aged library smell. I can name a few booky ladyfriends who'd swoon whilst within these walls. I soaked it up, checked out the lower level and hit the streets. The warmth of the place was a welcome break from the punishing cold wind I was dealing with.

The John Hay Library

So I exited The Atheneum and took a right up a steep ass hill that leads to the old college area. Basically, we're getting in MU territory now. Anywho, Lovecraft's house used to be right up against this place. It would've been behind the library from the angle of this photo. Was said that he could see the stacks from his kitchen or some such. Library has a collection of Lovecraft manuscripts that I will attempt to go breathe on. So long as I make my Fast Talk check...

Van Wickle Gates

Across the street are these gates that lead to the College Green at Brown/Miskatonic. A well known photo of the old man has him seated in the low stone bench pictured to the left. Yeah, I sat in the bench too.

H. P. Lovecraft memorial plaque.

Striking North now (I knew it was North because it felt like I was going up) I stumbled onto a nerdy memorial plaque placed just across the street from Brown on Prospect. It was apparently placed there by the city on the centennial of his birth in 1990. I stopped and read the inscription, which was from some poem by him. Maybe something to do with Yuggoth, Onwards!

65 Prospect Street

Always heading up hill it seems in this place. Gah. At the peak of the hill, pretty much at the highest point in the city is Lovecraft's last house (the one that was located behind the library). It was moved to this location in 1959. He lived there until his death in 1937. This place was used as the basis for the house of Robert Blake in "The Haunter Of The Dark". I nice little place with fun windows poking out of the roof. Finally on level ground, I set out to find a very unique park.

Prospect Terrace Park

Just a block or two (well I guess everything is just a block or two away in this town) from the house I found Prospect Terrace Park. This was one of Lovecraft's fave places to hang out and read. I plan on doing the same. It overlooks the majestic State House and is a rad little park that offers potentially dope sunsets. It's just a cool piece of flat land with stylish lamps and railings. I suspect on a misty evening this place would exude malignant shadows (at least in my mind) and dudes in trenchcoats which hide their tentacled arms. Providence's founder is buried here as well. It was also mentioned in Dexter Ward.

140 Prospect Street

The Halsey House was used as the basis for the Ward house in "The Case of Charles Dexter Ward." It's a cool old mansion with some overgrown walls. Supposedly haunted in Lovecraft's day. By now the sun was beginning to get low and the wind had kicked up. My frozen fingers got off a few shots, but I need to hustle down some hills in order to get to my final stop.

Little White Farmhouse

But, this weird ass tiny house in the neighborhood caught my eye. IN the middl eof all these lovely victorian, stately houses was this squat pile of goofery. Turns out it was used as the little white farm house described in Dexter Ward. I marched off to my car in hopes of beating the sunset.

Swan Point Cemetery

Yes, I had to do the visit the grave thing. I am a sad person. Fun side note, Swan Point is actually about a 1/4 mile from our house and located in the swank chunk of the East Side. It's a well wooded area completely surrounded by a stone wall, then a cove. Very tranquil, peaceful place. I had mapped out where I was going ahead of time, but apparently if you actually head to the office for info, they'll already know why you're there and tell you how to get the grave site. There's a big marker for his parents, then smaller markers for him and his wife. And once more, yes, I ventured further into saddo-ville by leaving a little Elder Sign there for him. Just in case some outer god jerks try and pull some slimy shit.

The sun was leaving me and I needed to get back in the car, warm up , and head home. It was an interesting day. If you hare a favorite author and come upon the opportunity to do a solo walking tour ( I stress solo/non-paid tour) of their old haunts, do so. And if you come up to visit us in Providence and have interest I'll certainly drag you along this route.

STAND UP AND PAY $22.

2010-06-09T12:16:00.006-04:00

Ugh. Not only is it a Twilight photo op, but it's a photo op with Kristen-stutter-actor-superstar-Stewart sporting some legendary DC stylings. Sure she plays Joan Jett in that movie and probably borrowed it from wardrobe (given that she had a Specials and a Joy Division shirt on as well in the same time frame) - but that song didn't even exist (81) in the timeframe of The Runaways (79). Let alone a T-shirt. Get 'em while Hot Topic still gots 'em. Bah. Yes, the photo is a year old, I am slow.
In other terrible things that teen-girls endorse and perpetuate news, have a look see at these rock and roll starz that make boatloads of cash. This Hawthorne Heights photo is #1 fun. 2nd from the left makes it so that I can't see from all the tears of laughter. "Mmeeeeh, hello, I have feeeelings. I am in a mallpunk band and want to touch your feeeeeelings. Maaaeh." And th eone dude peering in from behind looks like blonde Jake. Jake is in lots of shitty bands it seems. Plus there's a new awesome video to make fun of! Not only does the song title raise some WTFs, but the make-up is pretty great. I wonder if they even know that they are stepping on the toes of giants. These guys need to become skeletons for real.

GODDAMN I HOPE THIS LIVES UP TO ITS POTENTIAL

2010-06-02T14:02:00.005-04:00

I love this black and white comic. Picked up The Walking Dead when it first hit because it had rad art (Yay Tony Moore!). Haven't looked back. It's not just zombies yelling BRAINS! and slobbering gore, though there is plenty of gore. That's just not the complete focus. The series instead decides to linger on the paranoia, fear, and uncertainty that the survivors of an unknown zombie holocaust would potentially feel. So the most dangerous things out there aren't the roamers or herds, it's that secret psychopath you picked up last week who is slowly working out his plan to eat you all in your sleep, then steal your guns. You never ever feel safe, not from the people you trust, the folks you meet, or the undead just beyond the barricade. It's awesome.

Anywho, heard it was maybe going the movie route, then it went the TV route real fast and the TV route is being handled by AMC and AMC does Breaking Bad and all this sounds good to me. For example: It's set in Atlanta, so they are shooting in Atlanta. What a concept huh? The few test shots of zombies thus far, like the one above, are super. It all sounds and looks like the folks behind it give a shit. Let's just hope they don't bail on some of the more f'd up, pivotal scenes from the series. Count me down as excited for something.

Haunt this blog if you care.

Issue #1 in full

I'VE HEARD THAT THE 60'S WERE AWESOME - BUT NO ONE REMEMBERS CONCRETE DETAILS THANKS TO KITCHEN PARTIES AND MATCHING REFRIGERATOR DECOR. AND DRUGS.

2010-05-27T10:37:00.002-04:00

This is a commercial. For Westinghouse refrigerators and stuff. But I seemed to have missed that point due to fishnets and shaking areas.

IS IT JUST LURKING IN THE BACK OF OUR MINDS? or YEAH I STOLE THAT SHIT YO

2010-05-20T12:05:00.004-04:00

Some super uncanny parallels all over this mofo, from paint schemes to general critter design. Though I'm sure hours of research could turn the tables on just about any film or story. I guess the take away here is that old Flash Gordan serials are awesome.

LEST WE FORGET - LIGHTNING STRIKES AGAIN AND AGAIN or SNK'S NEW WAVE FIGHTER

2010-05-19T09:59:00.003-04:00

Klaus Nomi. Germany's DEVO. So dope.

He was a cardboard and electrical tape wonder.

In my mind, there needs to be a Samurai Showdown/Street Fighter type 2D brawler where 80's/New Wave bands like Art Of Noise, Taco, Falco, and Kajagoogoo kick the shit out of Lady Gaga. Earthquake stays selectable, since he looks like he could start some sorta new wavey band instantly.

The little girl creature from this video got me stoked as a kid.
She'd get to point at stuff, then dudes would destroy it. Rad.
Not sure if I posted this before, but, whatever.

OHHHHHHHHH GOOD. IT'S WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED or BLADE RUNNER WAS RIGHT

2010-05-13T10:46:00.001-04:00

TVs at the damn pump. Really. A great #1 super best idea.

I dropped by a Shell late last night as the car was on the dreaded orange light of doom. Swiped the card, dropped the nozzle in, and was horrified when a voice behind me boomed "WELCOME! WE'RE GLAD YOU COULD BE WITH US!" I spun around, and there's a tiny Asian man stuffed in a yellow screen smiling at me.

Next thing I know, I'm getting peppered by 10,0000 decibel ads on how Shell gas is awesome. Then it went into a bit on home improvement tips from a bald dude on how you shouldn't paint your home in colors you actually like as you should instead pick neutrals so you can always be thinking about resale value (living is fun!). Whaaa? Not missing a beat, I get the weather report next.

At this point I'm yelling at a TV screen at midnight on Georgia Ave and telling it to shut the fuck up.

But it doesn't listen. It plows on into some other Shell related BS at random and it's like watching a game of Dragon's Lair, but without any Bluth art or Dragons or Lairs. It was so loud and obnoxious. Then the Asian dude pops back up and wishes me well. Fuck you.

I kinda always thought the relentless ads and that flying shit in Blade Runner were crazy nutty. Sadly, Shell or some other evil douche bag is probably already knee deep in developing hoverbot ads to annoy the bejesus out of us all.

I'm never going to Shell again if I can help it.

EVERYTHING AND SHIT'S MAGIC YO. OR: HOW THE FUCK DO MAGNETS WORK?

2010-05-06T22:30:00.010-04:00

I am completely ignorant of the Insane Clown Posse. I only learned what a Juggalo was about 2 years ago. I was happy before I knew this term and of them and their goofy world and the redonkadonk number of Juggalos out there. I try to go on with what tattered remnants of a soul that I have left.

Anywho, I hit upon this video by them entitled "Miracles". And I am floored. Upon watching and listening to the heavy, way deep, meaningful, life changing lyrics, I find myself confused. Are they putting for the notion of "Fuck science and shit" or is it "Science can blow me and shit, stuff happens and that's that", or perhaps "Magic is everywhere and science is shitty an' shit"? I have no real clue. It matters not.

Lyrics and deep meaning aside, this video encompasses everything I look for and love in a music video. These being:

A: One completely ridiculous concept.
B: A nonexistent budget.
C: A huge idea that can never be fulfilled by the budget.
D: Dudes in makeup.
E: Eventual space travel.
F: Childbirth allusions.
G: Fuckin' rainbows.
H: Most importantly, instilling a sense of complete confusion in the viewer.

Here are some great quotes and items to look for:

1. "Music is all magic. You can't even hold it. It's just there in the air."
2. "Crows! Ghosts!"
3. The dude's kids in make-up. One of them gives us a coy look that chills me.
4. "Fuckin' rainbows after it rains."
5. Oh man, #5 is so good. So good it gets +51 to it's THAC0.
56. "How the fuck do magnets work?"
7. "I seen shit that'll shock your eyelids"
8. "Pure motha fuckin' magic"
9. Deep thinkin' clown faced guy.

It's worth trolling through the comments on youtube itself. There are some gems. Like "Green screens, how the fuck do they work?!"

Don't feel like watching the whole video? Fine be a quitter and continue to suck. But, please redeem yourself a wee bit and hit this deep link to the finest line in the whole video that comes after all the other good parts:

"Magic everywhere in this bitch."

WATCH ME DO A KANGAROO HOP, THEN KICK IT OUT ON THE TABLETOP

2010-05-04T10:03:00.006-04:00

BMX and bikes were so important growing up. Every waking hour out of school was spent on or near a bike if the weather was decent. On the bus I'd read Radical Rick comics. And once I was able to bike to school in 7th grade, the bus could eat my ass. We even went and built a rather large track in the woods with sick jumps and banked curves. Many a scar on my body originates from that track and the stupid tricks attempted with zero practice. Helmets? Whaaaaa?

When the weather was shit, HBO seemed to always to have some excellent schlock on. Back then HBO ruled (that old opening where you go through the model city and blast into space to the HBO logo is probably the greatest thing HBO has ever produced) and had crappy movies on all the time. One year it seemed like the film BMX Bandits was on every friggin' day. I've seen it so many times it hurts.

One of the more confusing aspects of the film to my pre-teen brain was the love triangle in the movie. It got in the way of the shit I wanted to see (jumps and wheelies accentuated with laser noises) and never really resolved itself. They're just pals in the end, but both PJ and Goose (Goooooooose! Noooooo! Gooooose!) totally wanted to hit that prime, BMX toned, Nicole Kidman ass. At the end in the credits, they all win trophies for being BMX masters/funding the construction of a track. How are they going to celebrate and resolve their unfounded desires? Who will Powderpuff choose? No joke, but years later, when I deciphered the dirty meaning of "Chinese Handcuffs", my mind leapt to the BMX Bandit triangle and I knew the answer.

Anyways, to get back on track, much like RAD, the end credits of the film were nothing but BMX porn. RAD was all flatland tricks galore. BMX Bandits was about kicking some ass. Except BMX Bandits had a super rock star song attached to it as well. After watching the credits, we'd be so pumped to go out and do tricks or construct a retardedly huge launch ramp. It all led to the inevitable wreck, followed by loose skin and the picking of rocks out of scrapes. Good times. (you see we ignored the warning that shows up about a minute into the video)

GET PUMPED!